Month: April 2022

Evening Reflections 018: My Roles

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Daily Summary:
Yesterday was alright. Made BLTs for lunch. Got some stuff done during work in regards to my mentorship. Gamed a bit. Had some good conversations with teammates. Not a whole lot happened. Spent most of the day chilling. Other than cooking, doing laundry was probably my biggest “life” accomplishment. 

I messaged back and forth with Sir a bit. It was good to hear from him. My Blacksmith and I have also been talking more. He had messaged me shortly after Ox’s email where he said he never wanted to see me again. My Blacksmith, Sir, and Warren were my biggest support structures during that period of time. All three of them helped me through the initial period of darkness and I am grateful for the conversations they were willing to have with me. 

So minor social time through text with Sir and Blacksmith.

Bunny called during my break and I got to video chat with her for a little bit. I know she wishes we could talk more. It’s hard to do while I’m at work and by the time I’m off it’s pretty late in the evening.  I’m hoping this weekend her and I can get more time to connect. I think it would be good for both of us. 

So that was my day yesterday. Not a whole lot. It was nice. No complaints. Here’s to another decent day.

Random Ramblings: Prompt 6-31
What are the three biggest roles that you play in your life, related to others? How do you feel about each one?

My three biggest roles would most likely be: Partner/companion, family member, and teammate. 

Partner/companion is in relation to the roles I fill in my closest and most important dynamics. I am a partner to Ox and Bunny. I am a companion to Sir, Warren, Blacksmith. I am ok with these roles for the most part. 

With my companion role, it is more about friendship. There is acceptance for who I am, fully. I don’t worry so much about expectations. There aren’t really obligations on either side. It’s a mutual support structure. I feel secure in my role, I understand and am ok with the boundaries. There’s an understanding that we each have our own lives and though our paths may not be in line for marriage or anything, we have worked through the yuck of breakups to maintain a unique friendship. 

The role of partner is… complicated. 

I still feel mildly undeserving. I still feel like in the future this transgression will be brought up and used as ammunition against me. I still worry even with all of the work Ox and I are putting into the dynamic, that my polyamory will never be fully accepted and I will have to spend the rest of my life either being untrue to myself, hurting myself in order to fit into a box small enough to be accepted, or fully be me and hurt those I care deeply about.

I worry being authentic will cause hurt. I worry that since Bunny and I haven’t had a lot of time together that there is resentment or hurt feelings between us that haven’t been addressed. 

I am much less secure in my role as partner. I worry about it. I worry about not being a good one. I worry that I shouldn’t be a partner anymore; that the recent addition to my relationship history makes me unfit for the role for the rest of forever. 

I worry that I really should just be the crazy cat lady and forgo relationships. 

That’s how I feel about that aspect of my life. I am working on it, but right now it is still tentative at best and something fragile. Vulnerable. Uncertain. 

Family member is a role I am ok with as well. I am a sister to my brothers and a daughter to my father. I will always be my mother’s daughter. The relationship with my younger brother is the only one that I have concerns over. He can be unkind at times. He can lash out specifically at me because I’m an easy target. I have learned to distance myself during those moments until his emotions have had their time and he and I can have legitimate discussion. 

This is the one family dynamic that has any sort of strife in it. I manage it the best I can and I understand the limitations of asking for/depending on his support. I am proud of the progress Jon and I have made since we were in high school. At the same time, my heart also aches over the viciousness we are still able to inflict upon each other. 

Overall I will say I am ok with my role as family member. I understand my place within that role for the various people I fill it for. I may wish some of those roles were different. I also understand I cannot change others. I can only change myself. 

The role of teammate is a role that I enjoy filling. I am supportive of my teammates at work. I engage with leadership and am proactive in my growth and development as an employee. Work has always come naturally to me. I understand “the game” and I’m good at playing it. I have a strong sense of work ethic. I do what I’m supposed to do when I’m supposed to do it. I show up on time. If I don’t understand something I ask. I would rather ask and look foolish than fuck something up trying to fake competence. 

Out of my top three roles, even though this one is listed last, it is the one I am most secure with. Part of me thinks that’s sort of sad. I have a more secure foundation with total strangers than I do with the people who are supposed to be closest to me. 

I know part of that is my own doing. At the same time, the issues that lead to my cheating were present for years. There are several deep-rooted issues on all sides. It’s going to take time to address those and heal the hurt from those in addition to the devastation of my actions. 

My #1 Clifton Strength is Restoration. I thrive on fixing things; especially things other people have given up on. 

I can see how to mend the relationships. I worry though. I worry it won’t work. I worry I’ll always have to be less than my full self. I worry I’ll always be misunderstood. 

I guess that’s the biggest thing undermining my sense of security in the “partner” area. I worry. I fear. And there’s really nothing anyone can do to change that. Those things are all inside my own head. They are my perspective, and so it falls to me to work through them. 

Morning Musing 018: 04.29.22

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Gratitude:
I am grateful for my body and not dying during workouts. 

#1 Goal:
Complete a minor grocery trip since I forgot to buy bread for Ox and run to the apartment office because they’re jerks and won’t let me pay the renter’s insurance fee online. 

#1 Concern:
Being ridiculously sore over the weekend and not getting a whole hell of a lot done.  

#1 Achievement:
Made it to the gym today. /flex

Evening Reflection 017: Criticism and Advice

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Daily Summary:
Yesterday did not go how I thought it was going to. The change in plans was a good thing and I am content with how yesterday went. 

It started with my morning call with Ox. Shortly after getting off the phone, I had a text message from a personal trainer at the gym I recently joined. During my sign-up, I talked extensively with the associate who was helping me about my combat sports history, how I would like to get back into the MMA side of things, and that in regards to personal training I would like someone who understood that aspect of my workout life. 

She had a few ideas regarding people she could reach out to. So that’s where the text message stemmed from. The trainer wanted to know the times/days I would be willing and able to meet. That led to going to the gym yesterday to have an impromptu meeting. 

Before leaving, I had been looking through the Facebook market for a computer desk for Ox. He and I had gone to a handful of stores looking for a decently priced desk for him. The idea is for him to bring his computer over so we can game together like we used to. Stores didn’t have a whole lot and what they did have was stupidly overpriced in our opinion. 

I was able to find a few desks that seemed promising. While I was dashing around the house, getting ready to leave for my “not scheduled” appointment, I sent messages to arrange in-person viewings of the desks. I let Ox know what I had found while I drove to the gym and we game planned to check one of them out together. Since I was going to be out and about, I figured I would, real quick, do some grocery shopping as well, because why would I have done that the previous night while we were already at Walmart? -_-;

The meeting went well. I think I will get along with the trainer once I start working with him. Currently, the idea is for me to spend roughly a month getting back into the habit of working out and focusing on gaining my stamina and endurance back. Next month I plan to do my “trial” month of the boot camp classes, which are a bit more intense than the regular group classes. Mid-July is when I get another installment for my retention bonus. I plan to use that bones to pay for the 3 months of personal training I want. Ideally, by then, I’ll be at a better spot healthwise and can fully leverage the sessions. 

It feels good having a road map for my improvement. 

I was super sore yesterday and didn’t think it would be good to try to do two classes back to back. My body needed a rest day, so aside from the consult, I didn’t do anything at the gym. 

Instead, I headed to the location to view one of the desks. Ox and I met at the seller’s house. Ox liked the desk so we bought it for 20 bucks. It’s a pretty nice desk. No need to always buy something new. 

We loaded up the desk in his Trax. He went to the house to get his computer stuff. I went to the grocery store to shop. 

We had talked on the phone about how grocery shopping could work. Ox wanted to have some specific things at the house for him. We’re also trying to keep finances separate for the most part. I have a Google Excel sheet listing the things I “owe” him for. 

We agreed that I could buy the whole list rather than waiting for a day where we could shop together or forgoing picking things up which would require Ox to go out himself. Instead, I bought everything and figured out what he owed out of what I paid. That’s going to count towards what I owe him rather than money passing back and forth all the time. 

I made it back to the rental with just enough time to put groceries away before logging into work. With the covid forbearance extended and the outbound dialing campaign completed at work, the past few days have been fairly quiet. No outbound calls. Only inbound. 

It’s allowed me time to do personal things during the downtime. Listening to audiobooks, doing more with my Clifton Strengths… installing and playing World of Warcraft: Classic Burning Crusade… 

Yeah…

That’s what Ox and I did yesterday. We both have characters and we are leveling them together. It was fun and connective. 

We went to sleep once I was done with work. Last night was another night of sleeping deeply. I woke up feeling rested though still more sore than I would like. I didn’t go to the class at the gym at 8:30. With yesterday being as busy as it was before work, I really would like a day to relax and not deal with people; gym bunnies included. 

So that’s what I’m going to attempt to let today be. Nice, quiet day at home, not going anywhere. Maybe Ox and I will go for a walk once he’s off work, but ideally nothing hardcore. The past few days have been busy and extremely productive. I would like a day to chill and regroup. 

Random Ramblings: Prompt 4-31
List the pros and cons of caring what others think about you.

Fuck…

I am not prepared for this prompt. At least I feel like I’m not. I feel like I need to Google “pros and cons” for this prompt because I don’t know… This is delving into stuff I haven’t truly, consciously, put thought into and I have a feeling there’s going to be stuff I trip into that isn’t going to feel super awesome… >.<;

Fml…

-sigh-

Well…

If I didn’t care about what other people thought, I wouldn’t push myself as hard as I do. Victory wouldn’t matter as much. I would most likely give up easier; quicker. It’s not so much I want to impress anyone. It’s more that I want to make the people within my inner circle proud. I want to prove to myself that I can do the things I think I can’t because I know it’s all inside my head. I want to prove to “them” that their faith in me and their support are not wasted efforts. 

The opinion of my circle is where I find validation, connectedness, and belonging I suppose. Maybe its an external validation of my sense of honor and worth. It’s not just shit inside my head that I’m thinking to make myself feel good. Other people hold the same opinion that, yes, I handled something well, or I did the right thing. 

My opinion is consistent with their perspective, so my opinion has merit.

I don’t often care about the opinions of people outside my circle. In regards to my biggest critic… caring about the negative crap I tell myself makes me question my self-worth. With my biggest critic, it’s not so much that my actions are wrong, it’s that I as a person am wrong.

I am worthless. I am a failure. I am a mistake.

My inner critic instills feelings of shame and beats me until I am on the ground. My inner critic lowers me rather than raises me. Those opinions and thoughts become mental and emotional obstacles that make a hard task even harder. It’s not so much that my critic lowers the bar… It’s that it crushes me with the bar, loading it with so much weight that it feels impossible to lift. 

Caring about the opinion of my inner circle can be a negative thing, too… it can make me fear failure. What will they think if I mess up? If I don’t win or succeed? Will they think less of me? Will they sneer or mock or tell me all the ways I could/should have done something better or differently? What if they are able to complete something easier than I am able to do it? What if I struggle while for them it is effortless?

Very rarely has anyone in my inner circle made me feel like crap. Honestly, the only person I can think of who is still in my inner circle who does this is my younger brother. He is on his own journey regarding personal growth and intrapersonal communication. Just because your family doesn’t mean you do not have toxic traits…

I take John’s opinion with a grain of salt most of the time, especially when I feel like my character is being attacked by him. Most of the time it is misplaced anger. It doesn’t make the feelings “easier” to deal with, but it helps prevent me from internalizing his comments and allowing them to foster feelings of shame or worthlessness within myself. 

So, all of these fears I have regarding the perceived negative opinion of my inner circle are really just normal social fears and anxieties. There’s nothing to validate these fears. No previous behavioral action to support, yep, they’re going to think you’re a piece of shit if you fuck up…

We all fear rejection from the group. We fear not belonging. Those are normal fears. I try not to let them hold me back. I try to not let outside standards trump the standards I have for myself, nor push me further than what I am capable of. 

These have been hard lessons that I’ve learned throughout the course of my life. It’s ok to say no to things. I have the right to say no. I have the right to do things differently than someone else would because this is my life and they can make the choices they want to make with their own. 

I can understand and value the thoughts and perspectives of others. I can even consider them when evaluating my life, but ultimately it is my life and my opinion and choice are the things that matter most.

So why do I consider positive things as opinions and negative things as truth?

It reminds me of a meme… why do you take criticism from people you would never take advice from?

Would I take advice from my inner critic? Fuck no. 

So why am I taking her criticism? Why am I allowing her words to replace my truths? 

That’s something to think further on. 

Ultimately, I do think there are inherently pros to knowing and caring about the opinions of others. Their perspectives matter and can help provide clarity. They can even be positively motivating by providing emotional or mental support through challenges. 

At the same time, caring solely about the opinions of others can invalidate my own thoughts and feelings. It can turn into an emotionally or mentally abusive situation depending on what is being said and internalized. It can prevent me from being my full self or striving to reach for things due to the fear of failure and ridicule. 

I think there is a balance. I do think making sure you are surrounded by healthy, supportive people and not by asshats is an important factor regarding how much care to give outside perspective. 

Rising Strong is actually helping me understand that. Is this person in the arena with me? If they aren’t, if they are standing on the sidelines with a bag of popcorn while I struggle, how much should I really care about their opinion? 

Morning Musing 017: 04.28.22

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Gratitude:
I am grateful for good days and the opportunity to learn and grow from not-so-good days.

#1 Goal:
Relax

#1 Concern:
Falling mildly back into gaming addiction. 

#1 Achievement:
Grocery shopping and figuring out financially what I owe Ox for the handful of times he’s paid for things recently. Also going to a consultation with a personal trainer at my gym so I have a game plan through July.

Evening Reflection 016: On Grieving and Forgiveness

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Daily Summary:
Yesterday felt like a productive day. I wrote, posted, packed up the cats, then came back to the rental house. Which, after going back to some of my previous writings, I never explained the conclusion of the living situation…

I was approved for the rental house where my brother and his partner were staying. They in turn were approved for the house they wanted to buy. We all moved into our new locations and have been doing well. All of my stuff is finally out of storage. I unpacked mom’s china for the first time in over 4 years. I have my “work” corkboard up and decorated with all of my Thank You notes and achievements and little things which hold fond memories for me. I need to decorate my “life” corkboard, but for the most part, everything is unpacked and arranged. The cats love how much space there is for them to run around and there are a billion windows for them to sun bask or lose their shit when they see a bird. It’s adorable. 

Anywho, I came back to the rental, made sure the cats were doing well after making the trip home in the cat carrier, started laundry, showered, and all that fun adulty stuff. Once I felt caught up with tasks at the house, I hopped in the car and made the short drive to a nearby gym. 

I had canceled my membership at the YMCA. Those locations, while not super far away, also are not close and I knew I wouldn’t be invested enough to drive out of my way to go to a place that I already halfway sort of didn’t like. 

This other gym is significantly closer and more in line with the type of goals I want to have for myself. And… AND… they have a sauna. I was sold before we even finished talking. They have a “happy little warm introvert box”. I would give part of my soul for that shit. Instead, all they wanted was part of my paycheck.

I get a discount due to my company. That’s sort of cool. Not going to lie, I wasn’t expecting anything when I name-dropped who I work for. Just felt like part of the conversation for me. 

I am going to be going to my first class today. It’s a spin class at 9:30. I’m hoping I do well. I’m hoping there are not a ton of people. 

Work was decent yesterday. I was able to finish a cross-stitch I was working on and began another. I sent an email to the Director of Global Training to see about setting up a meeting with her. I also got to spend some time chatting with my Team Lead. 

Ox ended up coming back to the rental after his D&D session ended. I was worried he came over out of a feeling of obligation or something equally as “not warm” feeling due to my #1 Concern yesterday. 

He assured me it wasn’t. It helped that he seemed to have no idea what I was talking about. Never mind that I had read both my writings to him during the few minutes we had before my workday started… 

Honestly, I’m not upset that he didn’t remember, or that it at the very least, didn’t make it to long-term memory. I’m glad my writing wasn’t a factor in his choice to come over. At the same time, I’m grateful for not spending the night alone in my own head. I think I would have faired better than on previous nights. It wasn’t something I was looking forward to finding out. 

I slept decently, which feels weird. I feel able to handle today and I’m looking forward to it being relatively productive. The highlight will be the sauna. Legit, I cannot put into words how much I am looking forward to finally feeling warm. 

Random Ramblings: Prompt 4-31
What do you think and feel about what your biggest champion thinks of you?


I… don’t really know how to answer this one. Do I write about what I feel about mom as my champion and her thoughts or do I write about myself as my champion and my thoughts?…

I guess I could do both. We’ll start with mom since that’s who I started with in the last writing. Woo structure. 

What do I feel about mom’s opinion of me, her support, faith in my ability, compassion, acceptance, non-judgment, love, and compassion? 

I feel warm, heard, seen, valued, safe, accepted, supported, loved, and cared for. I feel like I matter. 

It’s like when you’ve been cold and alone, lost outside in the woods in the snow and finally, someone finds you and wraps you in a warm, thick blanket. It has just the right amount of weight to make you feel secure without crushing you under the heaviness. 

Mom always made me feel like I belonged. 

What do I think about all of that…

That’s more complicated. I think that mom is right. I trust in her judgments. I believe in the way she treated people. I truly admire and respect the way she could be supportive of people without compromising her integrity. 

At the same time, my inner self is saying, “I don’t deserve that.”

But… is that truly my voice or is it the voice of my inner critic or another aspect of myself; a growth or tumor of negativity that isn’t my “true” voice? If that’s the case, wouldn’t it be better to think of it more like another person saying “You don’t deserve that?”

If it is, then I think they can shut the fuck up. But what if it is me? True me? 

That thought makes me feel cold and alone again. Like the blanket is being forceable taken from me. Like someone is with mom and saying, “It’s her fault she got lost in the first place. She doesn’t deserve help or support. She deserves to walk the rest of the way back in the cold.”

I don’t like those feelings. They don’t feel compassionate or loving. They don’t feel accepting or foster feelings of belonging. 

I guess, at this point in my journey, I have a choice. Do I walk back with the voice which is mom, safe, loved, and cared for, or do I walk back with the voice of judgment, alienation, and worthlessness? 

I’m not sure if the evil voice is truly me… if it is, then I have a ways to go before I am truly my own champion. Until I am able to fill that role in a healthy way, I choose the voice of warmth and safety. 

What do I feel about myself as my champion?

I feel I could do it eventually. I think it’s something I can learn. I have doubts when it comes to the affirmations and support I give myself. I know it is tentative. I know I can be vicious and cruel and so anything positive or supportive is hesitantly heard, never fully accepted. I know it can be taken away, revoked at the slightest transgression. And since I have committed a very serious, major transgression, I don’t have a lot of faith in the kindness I am showing myself. 

I suppose that would be a lack of trust on my part. A valid lack of trust, which is sort of sad… I don’t trust myself to love myself the way mom does. 

I have more faith in my ability to be cruel to myself rather than supportive. 

What do I think about that…

I think it’s sad. It makes my heart heavy to know that ultimately, I don’t trust myself. 

The one person in the whole world I should be able to turn to and depend on… and I don’t trust her… 

And I suppose it’s more that it’s broken trust… There have been so many times in my life where I have not been there for myself. Where I have let those evil voices of self–doubt, shame, guilt, and insecurity assault my psyche. I have stood by and watched my inner core be beaten and bloodied and I did nothing to stop it…

I know I wasn’t there for myself in the past. How can I trust I will be there for myself now or in the future? 

Rising Strong doesn’t specifically talk about this topic, but it definitely has areas that are making me think about how I handle and cope with intense emotions. 

One of the sections talks about forgiveness and how in order to truly forgive you have to accept the death of something and grieve over its loss. 

I grieve over the death of version 1.0 of the relationship with Ox. I do so knowing that there is version 2.0 we are working on and towards. That is how I am able to forgive my actions regarding the relationship.

I grieve over the death of who I was before my actions. I do this to have forgiveness within myself which is what is allowing me to begin to find who I am. 

Maybe this is tied into that, or a slightly different facet. 

Maybe I need to grieve over the death of who I was as a support structure, too. That inner me that was never there, never helped, only watched me struggle… maybe I need to grieve for her, too. She was a part of me, but it feels like my story no longer has a spot for her. Much like the 8-year-old me isn’t the main focus of the story, or 21-year-old me, or 27-year-old me… I feel this is a split in the road and I am saying goodbye to something in me, a part of me, that I can no longer move forward with. 

It’s sad. It hurts. This is what I grieve. 33-year-old me. 

It’s not that she wasn’t good enough, because she was. She tried her best and her best was all she could do. I no longer fit into the 33-year-old me mold. I can’t go back to it. I can only move forward, and so maybe that’s what I have to do… Hug her goodbye with tears running down both our faces as I take the hand of the me that will become my champion and learn how to build trust with her. 

I know what I should feel in regards to a champion. Mom showed me what that felt like. I need to grieve who I was so I can become who I’m meant to be. Grieving sucks. I’m going to go sit with my emotions for a while. 

Evening Reflection 015: Like a Champion

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Daily Summary: 

The weekend has been decent. Definitely better than I expected, and that’s including having cramps of death from the curse of being female. 

Lil’ Ox was super excited that I was at the house. Over the course of Saturday and Sunday Ox, Lil’ Ox and I played two whole chapters of Stuffed Fables. It was a lot of fun for all of us. I even did a few games of Uno AND talked to Mama Ox a bit. Look at me being all extroverted and shit. 

Ox’s ex-wife had her parol hearing Friday morning. She was released to go to the center she was accepted into. She and I have been talking a lot over the past months. I don’t remember how much I wrote about that before “The Event”. 

I truly am happy for her and proud of the changes and progress she has made for her own well-being. That is one area I have yet to broach, how my actions affected her. It led to hurt feelings when I shared my blog with her. It led to a conversation where I tried to explain that I wasn’t willfully ignoring that aspect of my actions or trying to keep my connection with her a secret…

I can only write about so much for so long. In my first writing, I didn’t have it in me to go further into other areas. I hurt. I faced a lot in a single sitting. I needed to step away and come back to write more at a later time. Hopefully, I was able to communicate that to her. Hopefully, that helped ease some of the hurt feelings she experienced. All I can do is try to write without the fear of judgment and talk about whatever emotions my writings may instill in others. 

With her being out of the system, she is able to chat more with Ox and me. There were a few video calls mixed into all of the other social aspects of the weekend. Being terrified of video chats, I’m proud of myself for engaging in them. 

Ox was kind and worked with me to find periods of time where I could be undisturbed in the bedroom as a way to decompress. I checked out a couple of audiobooks from the library and stitched while I listened to them. I finished “Almost Adulting” by Arden Rose. It was a good book, well written and full of character. I started Rising Strong as a Spiritual Practice by Brene Brown. I haven’t gotten very far into it, but I’m looking forward to hearing the rest of her stories. 

Currently, I am at the house, writing as a way to kill time before I am allowed to eat. Curse you Synthroid. ;-;

The cats are yelling at me for their wet food. I brought them with me to the house so they wouldn’t be alone at the rental all weekend. It took a little while for them to adjust to being around the other cats again, but by the end of Friday evening, they had both settled in. Ox and I are kicking the idea around of this being a new weekend routine. I pack up Friday night and spend the weekend at the house with the cats. Monday, my later day for work, I pack back up and head to the rental for my work week. 

We are still trying to figure out what works for us with my schedule being opposite of his. I’ve been having a lot of very positive meetings with leadership at Nelnet. The current idea is to get me into the Global Training and Development team either leading classes or creating the computer-based content. Those are two sub-teams on that team, and oh look, I can do both sides of it, so I’m going to break their model. /flex

Anywho, I’m going to stop rambling for now and get on to writing for my prompt. I’m sort of looking forward to the week. I’m not as tired and drained as I thought I would be. I’m hesitant feeling and I’m not sure why. I’m also not going to let that stop me from trying to have a productive day.

Random Ramblings: Prompt 3-31
Who’s your biggest champion? Who do they say you are? Why?

This writing is going to be painful, for different reasons than addressing the aspect of my biggest critic and while I am more ok with what this writing will most likely end up being, it will still contain hard truths that will hurt. I worry they will hurt Ox or Bunny. I am reminding myself as I type that this is my safe space and I cannot control the emotions of others. All I can do is be honest with and for myself because ultimately that is what these writings are for. To show to me, reveal to me, what my inner-thinking and feelings are. To provide clarity so I can acknowledge and accept or understand and work to change things that get buried under the avalanche of mundane routine of surviving Life. 

My biggest champion was my mom. 

She said I was strong. That she was proud of me. That I was beautiful. That I was capable and resourceful. She said I was kind. 

Why did she say these things? Part of it was most likely because she was my mother. While I have never experienced it personally, I do think the bond between a mother and child is something special. Something which, when healthy, can defy all other dynamics within our lives. It is not beholden to the same rules or expectations. 

I remember some of the stories mom told me about when she was a nurse. How patients would ask about the mother’s ring I had made for her and she would get to gush about her “three perfect blue-eyed children” and how she would tell them “if any of them turned out to be murderers I would be slightly disappointed”. 

She loved me so fully, so unconditionally. She never made me feel bad for being quiet or for not wanting to go out with the other kids. She read “Are You My Mother?” to me so many times that the pages began to fall out of the book. She let me read books well above my reading level when I began to read on my own. She proofread every essay I ever wrote up to her hospitalization. She let me come home any time I needed a temporary escape from my life to figure out what I needed to do. She supported me all through my educational career, never discouraging me from the paths I wanted to take. No, “That’s dumb. You should go to school for a real degree.”

She nurtured my passions and when I began to doubt myself, she would always know just what to say. 

“I believe in you.”

“That does sound like a really hard issue. I know you’ll figure it out.”

“I love you.”

No step by step action plan for fixing my problems. No stepping in and saving me from myself. Just quiet acknowledgment that, yep, there was a problem and unshakable belief that I could and would get through it. 

While being my mother may have factored into her perspective, I think it was something deeper than motherhood alone. 

She watched me grow into the person I was before her death. She saw me work through the hardships I had faced up to that point in time. She saw me fall down and stand back up. She saw me do all of these incredibly hard and scary things. She was able to have an outside perspective and to watch me lead a life that made her proud to say she was my mother. 

I think that more than anything is why she was able to say and think all of those things and have them feel like truths. My historical record made her affirmations genuine rather than just motherly platitudes. 

I feel like I don’t have a champion right now. Mom is dead. She can’t call me. We can’t visit each other. We can’t do all of these things we used to do. And so it feels like I am alone, without a champion to help me fight against my biggest critic. 

Ox and I talked a little about this writing prompt. I told him it would be coming up. Tears stung my eyes as I apologized. Shouldn’t I think of Ox as my biggest champion? Didn’t this prove, yet again, that I wasn’t worthy of his love? 

“I can never compete with your mom. She’s still your champion.”

His words have been floating in my head since our conversation. 

I know mom is still spiritually with me, regardless of her physical presence or lack of it. I know she still influences my life when I allow myself to be open and receptive to universal energies. I know, regardless of where she is or what she is doing, that she still cares for me, loves me, and wishes me nothing but peace and the strength to live a full life. 

I feel mom showed me what a true champion could and should be. I feel I need to be those things for myself as if her death passed the mantle of champion to me. 

I feel I have not been any of those things she showed me a champion should be.

And I suppose that’s not fully true… I have been my champion at different points in my life, but not the way mom was. I fall short, give up, and revert back to negative thinking patterns way, way more often than I stand with and fight for myself. 

It makes me wonder if I can be my biggest critic and biggest champion simultaneously or if to be one I have to unlearn the other. 

I do not have an answer for that, and I might never have one. 

This is something I think I need to be more aware of going forward in my life. I feel this is part of learning and “growing up”. I am no longer the young, insecure girl I was in high school. I cannot keep assuming the role of biggest critic because my place in this season of life is to be my biggest champion. 

Maybe I never should have assumed the role of biggest critic… I don’t know. 

I’m not saying I should ignore reality and only focus on the positive aspects of things. That’s not what mom did. She definitely didn’t have a problem calling me out on my shit. She never told me I was a horrible person while doing it, though. She never, ever, said I was a failure. 

She kept me grounded in reality while shifting my awareness from the negative worry consuming my mind to the positive capability within myself. She acknowledged the problems while supporting my problem-solving abilities with past experiences and objective observations from previous situations. 

She never lied about what I was able to do just to make me feel better. She never downplayed the situation or glossed over it with unrealistic optimism to soothe my feelings. 

Mom was real. Very real. 

That’s what I need to be for myself, and in some ways, I feel I am at times. It’s more that I need to learn to be this role, my champion, even when things are dark and scary. I need to give my critic less air time because she doesn’t deserve to be the only one talking in my head. 

She can have her moment. Her emotions are valid. But she needs to be held accountable for her word choice, too. Freedom of speech does not mean freedom of repercussions. If she starts being vicious and cruel, I have the right to cut her mic. I have the right to disinvite her to the debate inside my head. I have the right to not accept her statements as truths and leave them in the realm of subjective opinion. 

I control my inner discussion between my Id and Super Ego. I control my emotions. I control my actions, even my mental ones which may not be physically noticeable. Me, the Ego, is the moderator, and I owe it to myself to actually moderate what the fuck is being said on the stage of my mind. To filter and fact check and slam down the ban hammer when shit gets out of hand. 

I deserve that. I owe myself that. I deserve the champion my mom showed me how to be. Instead of shrinking away from that role and thinking other people will help me through the hard, dark, scary times the way mom did; instead of waiting for other people to save me from myself, I could and should do it. 

I can and will be my own champion. 

I owe myself that much. I owe myself support, love, and compassion because that’s how I would show up for other people. 

So that’s what I’m going to start endeavoring to do. I’m going to move forward with a conscious awareness that I am now my biggest champion and that negative self-talk is an un-invitable offense when at the discussion round table inside my head. 

Crazy Attic Ladies be warned, the ban hammer is out. 

Morning Musing 015: 04.25.22

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Gratitude:
I am grateful for quiet time, self-reflections, and writing prompts.

#1 Goal:
Getting a new gym membership. 

#1 Concern:
Spending tonight alone. 

#1 Achievement:
Surviving 2.5 days with a 12-year-old and not feeling emotionally and mentally tapped out. A lot of that has to do with structuring “down-time” into the days so I could write or cross-stitch. Being kind and considerate of my extreme introversion helped me avoid panic attacks when the inevitable question of “What are we doing next?” was asked.

Evening Reflection 014: My Two Cents

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Prompt 2-31: What do you think and feel about what your biggest critic thinks of you?

I’m writing this before evening… don’t care. If I don’t do it now I most likely won’t have time to do it later. These writings are important to me so I’m going to do them when I can without judgment. 

I don’t know which to start with first… what I think or what I feel…

I guess we’ll go with feelings. At least that would be following things in alphabetical order so there’s something giving this structure rather than leaving it to chaos.

I feel like shit. I feel cold. I feel… alone… 

Those are the things I feel when I beat myself up; when my inner critic harps at me and rants. Chastises. Berates. Insults. 

A new one she found last night was “Dumb Dragon”. Ox says I need to stop saying that to myself. I agree, but it feels like a new truth and I don’t know how to fight against the phrase when most of myself feels like it’s true. 

I feel like I have left myself alone in a dark place to fend for herself and she’s not doing very well. 

So… that’s what I internally feel about the never-ending inner tirade of criticism I give myself. 

What do I think about all of it? 

Honestly… Now, after having completed my first writing. Now, after beginning to see things from an outside perspective. Seeing myself a human… I feel like my inner critic needs to shut the fuck up. 

Like… seriously… none of what I am telling myself is helping ANYTHING. I know I fucked up. I don’t need to be constantly undermined and torn down when I try to stand back up. I don’t need to be kicked while I’m done. I need myself to stand with me in the mud and look down at my dirt-covered, tear-soaked hopeless face with compassion and love and either offer me a hand or even sit with me in solidarity until I find it in me to push myself up off the ground. 

I don’t need another enemy. I need a companion through the darkness in my own head. 

So yeah… my inner critic can go fuck herself. I’ll prove her wrong. Again. 

I’m not a dumb dragon. I can make not smart choices. I can do not smart things. 

I AM NOT DUMB. 

I am smart. I have amazingly unique strengths, which is something that work is helping me with because of course while my life is on fire, I’m excelling at work. I was accepted to the mentorship I applied to. I was given the opportunity to take the Clifton Strengths Assessment as part of it. 

My top 5 strengths, in order, are Restoration, Intellection, Input, Indivisiulization, and Connectedness. I’m sure Competitiveness is up there in the top 10 because fuck that chick and anyone else who thinks that I should stay down. 

No. 

I won’t. 

I can and will get back up. I will not let my story end here. I will not let this be my final or defining chapter. 

I don’t know where my story goes from here but I for sure know this isn’t where I’m going to let it end. 

Fuck you, Inner Critic. That’s what I think of your input. Stand on the sideline sneering down at me with your self-righteous bullshit opinion. You’re not the one living my life nor are you the one working through the emotional disaster. I am strong. I have strengths. And I will utilize them to keep getting back up when I fall down. You can’t stop me. I won’t let you. 

That’s what I think. And on that rage-filled draconic note, I’m going to go eat breakfast, because fuck not eating due to feeling worthless.