Daily Post: More Clouds QQ

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This might be a sort of whiny post. It’s overcast again. AGAIN. I miss the sun. It came out for a little bit yesterday afternoon. Tons of people were outside with their kids. Bikes. Strollers. It was as if everyone were soaking up the rays as much as they could.

I know I felt that way. I could feel a difference in my skin. In my bones. Almost instant. I finally was getting sunlight and could feel alive and like I had energy and drive to do things. The Earth was finally awake and able to give energy; radiating it into my being and allowing me to feel like I could do things.

It’s not supposed to be sunny again until Sunday. Friday and Saturday are supposed to be filled with thunderstorms. I like the thought of storms. At least there’s energy with them and a reason for the lack of sun until this perpetual twilight of cloud cover.

These long, dreary, cloudy days of stillness drag on and on and it feels so hard to get anything accomplished. I woke up at 4 am and went back to sleep after taking my Synthroid. I woke up again at 8 am and couldn’t convince myself to do anything, so I stayed in bed until 10 am.

I feel like the day is wasted and it’s not even noon. I wish I knew how to change that. I can’t go to the gym since it’s closed. I could begin packing but I have to get the totes from the house first, which means I have to clean out the car so the totes could fit.

I have to take the kittens in for boarding later. I’m saving the mopping until after their gone. I have my report that needs to be worked on. Clothes still need to be put away. Meal prepping would be beneficial so I have food for the next days before flying to Florida.

There are all these things I’m “shoulding” on myself, which isn’t helping or making me feel better. Ox thinks I should still be taking my Vitamine D supplements. I might talk to my Endocrinologist about it. I stopped taking it pre-surgery per doctor’s orders but was never told if I could resume it, so I didn’t. I never asked.

Things were going so well post-surgery, and now I’m back to feeling unmotivated and low energy. I do think a lot of it has to do with the weather. I think stress is playing into it as well. There are travel bans from certain states going into Florida. So far Nebraska isn’t one of them. So far there aren’t travel bans coming back into Nebraska. But who knows how things will change in the next week? Who knows if I’ll be able to go back to work or not? Who knows what other obstacles Jon and I are going to have to figure out in regards to moving and the apartment? What if all his interviews get canceled because of covid-19? At least we have two months rent-free to figure something out I suppose. That did work well in our favor.

I did have a fairly decent day yesterday. Productive. There are feelings of accomplishment as I look back over my list; another thing which has been hit or miss in the past few weeks.

I got a lot done in the morning. Setting up the electicity and internet. Filling out the move in form and emailing it to Jon so he could fill out his portion. Taking care of my Jury Duty letter and getting my new certification form to my FA. Figuring out what to do with the cats so I don’t get evicted during my last weeks here. I looked at student loan consolication through Navy Federal, but I don’t think I’m going to do anything with it. My interest rate could actually go up rather than down, so I’ll stick with the evil I currently have.

I made a few new contacts in my phone for my pharmacy and the vet clinic. I found out about my Zoloft perscription. I could pick that up later today when I go over to the house. I went through my email. I read a bunch of blog posts that I’ve been slacking on. I wrote. I posted. I made a shopping list and was pleased to see it was so small. I got in touch with my therapist as well. Counseling is canceled for the moment until they figure out how they want to do it remotely.

I showered before heading into town to meet with Ox. We got gas for the cars. We got the money order for my recertification paperwork along with spinach; the only grocery item I needed. We got cat litter and wet food for the kittens. While we were at the pet store we made sure all of the paperwork was in place for the boarding. Since it’s $22 per cat per day, I won’t be able to board them until the 1st of April. Not that I really wanted to do that anyway. I don’t want to be away from them for that long. I can’t swing $300 for boarding though, so even if I was morally ok with doing it, financially I can’t.

When we got back to the house, I hopped on my computer to update my sorcerous character through the Aurora program. While I was messing aroung with her sheet, I got to talk to the DM and brainstorm with him a bit. I did end up taking one level in rogue. Since most of my spells are spectral weapons, I get to use the rogue’s sneak attack to boost their damage as long as I’m stealthed or hidden. Since my character has expertise in stealth I get added bonuses to my stealth rolls. I’m really liking the direction that this character is going. I hide in the shadows then leap out in a blaze of righteous glory. Maybe I should have named her Karma instead of Saber.

Anywho, I got my CCHT paperwork mailed off, so that’s 100% done. I can submit the Concur reports when I go to work tomorrow. I should have that money back within a week or so.

Ox and I did our D&D campaign together at the house. There were another few hours wasted as the DM tried to figure things out, but once we got into the actual game it was better. I don’t feel like it was a waste of time and there was significantly less bickering.

I came back to the apartment after the game and went to sleep, and that’s about all that’s happened so far today.

I’ve started in on my meal prep, more out of necessity then because I actually want to do it. Ox and I have talked a few times. I’ve put music on so that’s been playing in the background. I’ve filled out some more paperwork. I’ve done some dishes.

I’m hoping that I can salvage today despite the rough start.

Daily Post: Post Monday and D&D

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Mostly un-proof read


I haven’t written in a while. The last post was my freak out over reporting one of my coworkers. That was Saturday evening. It’s not Wednesday afternoon. A lot has happened between now and then.

Sunday was pretty much shot. I focused on breathing most of the day. Staying calm even though my head wasn’t. As night crept closer I became more and more anxious about Monday morning; the day I would see my coworker again.

Somehow I was able to sleep. I think the weighted blanket had a lot to do with that. I think having Ox next to me helped as well. I always feel safer when he’s around even if there isn’t anything that will legitimately attack me. Sometimes the monsters are in our head and our own creation, but that doesn’t mean you don’t feel any less safe.

I spent a majority of Sunday creating a new D&D character to join in a campaign that Jon is running with from friends. I like the character I’ve come up with but it was rough and added friction to the day. I would come up with an idea only to have it shot down and to go back to the drawing board to come up with something else, but these few things don’t work so back to the drawing board I go…

With the low-level worry of Monday looming over me, the constant rethinking of my character wasn’t a welcomed challenge. I wanted my character to be the way I wanted her to be. I didn’t want to have to troubleshoot through stupid shit because “we can’t use homebrew stuff”.

Eventually, I got my character to a point that I was happy enough with her that I was looking forward to the game Monday night after work. It gave me something to look forward, too. I also found out that I work with my other RN on Friday and Saturday, so I only had to survive Monday’s hell. I could survive one day.

That’s what I kept telling myself whenever the tension started building. It’s only one day. I can make it through one day.

Monday started out rough. My RN was pissy most of the morning, which I figured is how it would go down. I didn’t receive any help setting up the clinic; something which I have grown to expect over the last few weeks. I don’t know what changed for her, but out of nowhere, she started being nice to me.

Maybe she realized that by making my morning hell she was setting both of us up for failure. I can’t do everything on my own AND run on time. If I run behind so does she so her day is automatically harder by default. Maybe it was because despite her bitchiness I didn’t comment or retaliate. I kept working and doing my best to keep things afloat and on time. Maybe she realized she was being rude. I don’t know. All I know is that eventually she changed her tune and it took away a lot of the anxiety I was feeling and the day ended up not being awful.

D&D with Jon Monday night got canceled. I can’t say I was too heartbroken about it. I got to talk with the DM and to get a better feel for my character. We decided to start a new campaign rather than having me jump into the one they already had going. I was able to talk about the homebrew stuff I wanted to use and received the DM’s blessing for it, so my character became even more of what I wanted her to be.

Overall, it was a pleasant night. Ox and I went to the gas station for minor grocery shopping before I came back to the apartment for failed D&D. He did his raid on WoW and came over after to sleep next to me. It was a nice night; one which I was able to enjoy since the tension of “unknown Monday” was over.

Tuesday I woke up and lazed around for a while. I started plucking away at chores that have piled up. Mostly dishes. I drove into town to take my recertification test. I had been worried about the testing center closing due to covid-19, but they remained open and I’m grateful for it.

The closer to the testing center I got, the more “not ok” I felt. As I pulled into the parking lot I realized it was because I wanted mom to wish me luck on my test. I wanted to hear her words, but I couldn’t and because of that, I didn’t want to take my test.

Not taking the test isn’t an option though. Without a current lisence, I’m not allowed to work. This is something I have to do regardless of how sucky I feel about it. Jon called me as I parked the car. I had been thinking about calling him to hear his voice since I was early for my test.

We chatted about my feelings for a bit. I cried a little. He empathized with me. I felt better for being able to share my feelings rather than having them eat away at me from the inside. We talked about our D&D characters since gaming had been rescheduled for Tuesday night. It was a nice way to relax a bit and refocus before my test.

The test itself was surprisingly easy. I was pleased with how much more confident I was in my answers compared to when I took the test two years ago. I passed and I wasn’t surprised or worried about it as I submitted my final answers.

I sent a picture of my renewed certification to my FA. She said she hadn’t been worried about it but she was glad it was done and congratulated me.

It felt good to have something major off my list. I can submit my Concur report to be reimbursed for the $250 I spent to take the test. I need to send my renewed license to the DHH of Nebraska. That will be another $95 but that too will be reimbursed. I’m looking forward to getting that money back so I can use it for the credit card or student loans.

Which… that’s something I found out. Not all of my loans are being deferred so I have a $150 at the beginning of April. Lame, but doable.

I also found out that my landlord is going to be coming into the apartment on Friday, so I had to figure out what to do with the kittens. I got that taken care of this morning. I’m going to be boarding them Thursday night and picking them up Friday evening.

D&D was AMAZING!!!!! Omg, it was so much fun. I attacked a level 20 lich as a level 2 character because that’s how I roll. I also insulted a velociraptor with my Vicious Mockery, telling it its mother was a chicken. XD

God, I love the dynamic of this group so much more than the one Ox and I are currently in. There wasn’t bickering between wife and DM. The other players actually roleplayed their characters. There wasn’t a focus on combat or progressing the campaign. It was more about creating an organic story and character interaction that made sense. Soooooo goooooood. Omg.

We made it to level three. I’m thinking about taking a level of rogue since I’m a tiefling urchin. I mean… yeah, I’m a self-taught sorcerous, but if I grew up on the streets then I would have some sort of rogue/thief influence. I need to look into what taking a level in rogue would give me as far as skills, abilities, proficiencies, and such, but I’m very strongly leaning towards that possibility.

As far as today, so far I’ve been super productive. I’ve taken care of most of my morning chores. I got electricity and internet schedule for the apartment, which, I move in less than a week. Can. Not. Wait.

I got the cats taken care of as far as boarding goes. I called about my Zoloft prescription. That will be ready for pick up tomorrow. I sent my FA my jury duty notice so we can get the letter drafted for that. I also sent her a scanned copy of my certification. I’ve gone through my email. I’ve caught up on the blogs I tend to follow. I’ve replied to several messages though there are still more that need my attention. I swept yesterday so mopping today would be nice. Meal prep will most likely happen later today after some more minor grocery shopping.

I’ve been catching up on stuff mostly and even though it’s yet another dreary, overcast day, I’ve been doing better today then I have been post-Saturday evening.

The goal is to keep plucking away at things until the D&D session tonight. Since my other one is so much more fun, I feel like I’m going to have less of a tolerance for BS, which I’m ok with. I have enough stuff going on in my life to have what should be a fun game feel like a frustrating obligation. I have better things to do with my time than waste it.

I guess I’ll go for now. I need to shower still and head into town to meet with Ox. Here’s to a decent day.

Daily Post 213: D&D Issues

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Yesterday ended up being an alright day. It was rainy and yucky. Not cool. : /

I talked to Ox and Jon before creating a to-do list. I messaged L. I wrote and posted. I cleaned the litter box and made sure the cats had food and water. #goodFurMom

I showered, got dressed, took the trash out, then loaded up the car with my laundry and the cardboard I have accumulated over the past few weeks.

I went to counseling. We talked pretty extensively about covid-19. How was I handling the changes in regards to school, work, and personal life? What were some of the possible changes regarding counseling access in the future if stricter measures were put into place? I talked about how I felt I had fallen off the “self-care” train, but that I was getting back on it and seemed to be better for it. It was a good session and I’m glad I went.

I went to the house after leaving campus. I started my laundry. Ox and I had sexy time, but it didn’t go very well. It was short and immediately switched from a D/s situation back to normal everyday life and my brain was having a hard time with that. I ended up going back to the apartment while Ox was in the shower.

I could have handled the situation better. At the time, I felt I needed space because I knew all of the emotions were my own. Ox hadn’t done anything wrong. In fact, he had done pretty much everything that I have mentioned wanting at one point or another. Not every fair of me to come back now and be like, “QQ that wasn’t what I wanted”.

Needless to say, he wasn’t expecting me to be gone when he got out of the shower. He called, but my phone was still on silent from counseling. He proceeded to send text messages which caused my phone to vibrate. I was in bed under the covers trying to figure out what was going on inside my brain.

We tried to talk for a little while, but it wasn’t a very productive conversation. I wasn’t at a place mentally and emotionally to really articulate why our encounter was bothering me the way it was. Since our upcoming D&D session was switched to an online platform, we agreed to talk later once I came back over to game.

Despite the unaddressed yuckiness between us, Ox was kind enough to switch my laundry to the dryer for me. I cuddled with the kittens for a while, which helped. Eventually, I got up and started plucking away at more chores. I had to run out to Dollar General for dish scrubs. I had thought I had two under the sink, so I threw out the current one only to discover that, no, I didn’t have dish scrubs and now had no way to clean my dishes…

After completing that unexpected errand, I began cooking the pasta dish I had planned as a meal for this coming week. It’s been so long since I’ve had anything with noodles. While I’ve been fine without them, there are several recipes that I like that I haven’t been making due to a lack of decent noodle replacement.

The other week while Ox and I were at Costco, we found a box of “Healthy Noodles”. They’re a little expensive; $15 for six bags. Ox encouraged me to try them so we got a box.

Last week I used them for the first time in a chicken alfredo recipe. The noodles were different from regular noodles, but they weren’t bad. I was ok with them enough to give them a shot in other recipes.

Enter my decision to try making my spaghetti sauce with them.

Sooooo goooood. Oh man. I can’t wait to make some of my other recipes. We actually got a second box of them on Tuesday while we were at Costco for our weekly shopping trip.

Anywho… It felt good to cut up the veggies and wash the dishes and to cook a meal that I haven’t been able to enjoy in months. At least not the way I want to enjoy it since Lil’ Ox is finicky and doesn’t like mushrooms or onions, or because Mama Ox doesn’t add basil to the sauce…

No. This time it was made right AND I got to have it with noodles. /swoon

Ox and I talked again once I got the sauce to a point where it was simmering. I talked a bit more, explaining that the previous night I had spent literally hours trying to take care of my arousal on my own, only to give up because it wasn’t working. I wanted him and no amount of sexy brain power was going to change the fact that I was on my own and that’s not what I or my body wanted.

During our conversation, I was finally able to explain my experience the previous night and that in my head, I had built up our next encounter into something a bit different than what it had turned out to be and how things had so quickly gone back to normal as if nothing had happened at all. It had hurt and while, yes, Ox and I were fine, I needed time to get over my emotions and that’s why I had left.

I wasn’t feeling up for being around people. Lil’ Ox was still at the house and Mama Ox had just gotten home. Instead of going to the house to game, I stayed at the apartment which let me continue to be productive.

I looked at my online class. Nothing has been posted or changed so there wasn’t anything for me to do… I’m not surprised since the whole school is having to switch their class content to an online format. I’m going to look into it later today. If nothing else, I’ll do the reading so once the assignments are posted I can complete them quickly.

I did get a reply back from an RN who works with my primary care physician. She basically blew off my request for a refill of Zoloft, saying I had two refills left and needed to contact my pharmacy.

Me: Thank you for your reply to my message. I have been taking a single 25mcg tablet of Zoloft daily since January and currently do not have refills left from the original prescription. I still have roughly two weeks of the medication left but was unsure of what actions needed to be completed in regards to obtaining additional refills. If the refill would be for another 90 days, I would need the pharmacy switched due to insurance coverage to [new pharmacy]. Am I able to contact them directly about the refill or does this need to go through processing at your office first? I look forward to your reply with any further actions I can take to help facilitate a prescription renewal at the above location.

Diplomacy is the ability to tell people “fuck you” in a way that they actually feel good about it.

I haven’t received a reply yet. It’s still early in the morning though. They haven’t been open for very long.

Anyway… On to D&D… which will be a majority of this post since it sucked last night. Pretty hardcore actually…

We spent two hours getting on to Roll20 and figuring out audio settings for everyone. The GM kept having lag issues, so he constantly had to disconnect or refresh. After a while of not being able to even type in the chat window because the lag was so bad, I suggested we try Skype instead.

So then we all had to switch over to that and remember our login information and get it sent to Dark so she could create a call for the group…

Once we finally got to a point where we could game, Dark decided to spend nearly an hour and a half going off and doing her own thing without talking to the party about it first. When the party finally was reunited she proceeded to act as if she were the group leader, conveying information to the queen of the lizardfolk, but she was doing such a poor job of it and giving such misinformation that my character called her out.

Dagger: Actually, you can’t promise any of those things because we don’t know what the humans will actually do once we return to them. And really, the humans wanted us to come here to ask two questions specifically, which you haven’t asked, so it’s highly unlikely that they would help at all even if we did return to them. By the way, your majesty, is Saltmarsh safe and what has really been going on for your people with these attacks and stuff?

Seriously, last night was one of those moments where inside my head I’m thinking, “go fuck yourself. I hope your character dies”.

Irrational Right Brain: I get that your the DM’s wife but literally everyone is tired of the time you waste bickering with your husband when he makes a ruling you don’t like or agree with. We’re all tired of you not acting like you’re part of the group and running off to do your own thing and then getting pissy when you trigger a trap or something and no one is there to help save you. For being the person who “needed D&D” in your life, you seem to be doing everything possible to make this a mind-numbingly tedious experience for everyone else involved. The campaign doesn’t revolve around you.

I told Ox that I wasn’t sure if the group would last long enough to finish the campaign with the way it has been going. I can see the other two members getting tired of wasting their time and quitting or trying to find a better group. I wouldn’t blame them since I got more play time then they did and that’s saying something since I barely got to do anything at all.

On the bright side, I did get to sing my first song as a bard. : D

Ok… maybe I didn’t exactly “sing” it since it’s more of a poem than a song… but I wrote it off the top of my head none the less and I’m proud of it so I’m going to post it here to make everyone suffer just like my D&D group. ^^

Dagger’s First Poem:
Oh queen, oh queen do come to thee
Please grace this party with your divine beauty

From distant lands we have traveled far
To speak to you about troubles so large

Though draconic words not all we speak
Help we offer if perchance we meet

Oh queen of queen please come to me
I ask you grace this Tabaxie with your grand company

Totally sang/spoke that while I sat on the throne in the throne room since we were left unattended. Either she would love my song or be pissed that I was in her seat. I was ok with either as long as she showed up and we got to talk to her. XD

I’m thinking about reach out to the DM. I’m pretty sure I’ve said that before. If I haven’t, I’ve thought it enough times to feel bad for not having done it yet. I’m also thinking of forcing a bit of role-playing into our next session. Not in a bad way… but our party is pretty disjointed and this recent experience with the lizardfolk queen proves it. We need to sit down as characters and actually start understanding one another and decide how we want to be structured as a party. Do we have a leader? Is it more of a democracy where everyone gets to throw in a vote? We have some downtime before we embark on our quest to take out the traitorous priests and their 1000 teeth monster. Hopefully, our group can figure out what type of party we want to be before we get there.

So yeah, D&D wasn’t awesome, but it had its moments. The miniatures Ox and I ordered came in yesterday, but since we played online we didn’t really get to use them. Much lame. ;-;

Since the online option didn’t seem to work out all that well, I offered to host our next campaign here at the apartment. Everyone seems on board with it, so we’ll see how next Wednesday goes. I’m hoping it will be better.

After D&D, Ox came over since Lil’ Ox had gone back to her mom’s house earlier in the evening. There was mind-melting sexy role play sexy time. When I say this was a level of hawt never yet experienced, I mean it was a level of hawt that had never yet been experienced. Sooooooo insanely good. Hooooooly fuck. I’m still floating on a personal cloud of bliss this morning, and that’s after a six-pound cat decided to wake me up by jumping off the windowsill directly onto one of my ovaries. >.<;

Not how I wanted to start the day, but still not bad enough to fuck with my feelings from last night’s amazingly dirty, depraved, slutty fun time. Not even going to be sorry if language like that causes anyone to blush. Yeah. It was so good I’m not even able to feel embarrassed about it. My stress levels are beyond appreciative.

Today is yet again a dreary, rainy day. At least it’s not snow…? It’s also decently warm rather than freezing. I’m pretty low energy. Most likely because after making two drinks last night during D&D I had total faith in my ability to make a third drink.

My head: I have regrets. Many, many regrets. >.<;

Luckily, I don’t have a lot to do today. I got a message from work last night during D&D asking if I would cover a shift for incentive pay, but it got covered by someone else. Not complaining. I have to get the clothes from the house so I can’t put them away at some point. Not sweating over it.

Really… I wouldn’t mind doing a bunch of nothing. My final meal is cooking at the moment and that’s pretty self-sufficient since all it needs to do is bake for an hour. I’ve written what feels like a massive post… With everything else in my life still mostly stable and quiet I feel like I can actually afford to chill today and enjoy some stillness and peace.

Daily Post 210: A Brief Writing

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I’m in a better spot mentally than I was last night. The past two days at work haven’t been bad, which is what made my feelings of exhaustion so confusing last night. The RN and I were talking behind the nurse’s desk yesterday after changeover and we both agreed that it felt like we had gotten our asses kicked even though we did extremely well time-wise.

I think the weather plays a role in my overall mood. It’s been cold again. Overcast. It snowed Friday night and into Saturday morning. The roads were awful on the way to work which didn’t make for a great start to the day.

Ox did spend some time with me last night even though he has his kids this weekend. I was grateful for our time together. It helped dissipate some of the tension. I knew a lot of it was most likely from tiredness and that what I really needed was to go to bed. The cuddles and pets helped me let go of a lot of the stress from work, though. It was nice to focus on something other than my obligations and undone tasks.

When I came home last night I had originally thought to write, but after a handful of minutes I realized it wasn’t going to help the way I wanted it to. I, instead, made dinner, ate, then went to bed with the kittens around 7ish.

I vaguely remember Ox calling me since I never sent him a goodnight message. When I spoke to him this morning I asked if we had actually talked last night because I wasn’t sure if I had dreamed it or not.

Ox: I’m pretty sure you fell back asleep before we hung up.

I wouldn’t be surprised if I had with how dreamlike and “unreal” the memory is.

It’s another dreary, overcast, cold day today, but I’m mildly more ok with it. I just got a text message saying the bacon for breakfast is in the oven, so I guess I’m going to go. I’ve reflected on the past month of February, which most likely helps in feeling mentally grounded and present. I’ve fixed my login access for the system my doctor uses to communicate with me, so that’s a major thing already taken care of. I want to do a little bit with the folders we use for D&D and I want to finish up my report for school.

There’s a lot of stuff going on with covid-19, but for now, I don’t want to write about it. I’ve done my catching up for the day. My goal is to be quietly productive before surviving work tomorrow. After that, I have three days where I don’t have to go anywhere since my class is now an online class until further notice.

Here’s to today and recovery and warm cups of coffee.

Daily Post 207: The Missing Writing

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I thought I had written a post talking about my D&D adventure, but I guess I haven’t. Or it got lost somewhere. Or I dreamed that I did it. Or hallucinated. Who knows?

It does mean that I have a lot to catch up on. Much lame. : /

I went over to the apartments after lunch with Ox. The kitchen is amazing. I toured two layouts and one is better than the other as far as space goes. They have a 24-hour gym which is nice. And a car care center. That would be nice, too. The location is pretty good as far as grocery shopping and such. It would add a bit of travel time for me in regards to getting to work, but not all that much. Maybe 15ish minutes. It is further form Ox, but the drive isn’t bad. 10 minutes or so.

I took a bunch of pictures to send to Jon. I got a paper application along with a few other papers and then went back to the apartment. I hung out there for a bit before Ox came over so we could go to D&D.

This last session was super fun. We ended up being commissioned by the town council to go take over the smugglers’ ship since we were so successful at stopping the land side of the operation.

My character, being my chaotic character and all, asked if we could keep the ship once we took it over. You know… finders keepers and all. The council reluctantly agreed. When I asked if we could keep any of the shiny things we found they replied by asking weren’t we supposed to be stopping the smuggling, not taking part in it.

Me: Well, you’re already missing these goods. You’re asking us to prevent future losses. Not to recover the things you already lost.

Dark: She’s not wrong.

God, I love this character.

Since I’m a cleric of trickery, I don’t do a lot in regards to healing. I’m more about convincing people to do things. Well… as the group was discussing options about how to get on board the ship my character offered up a plan.

Me: Guys! Guys! I have this spell and it’s really cool. I could disguise myself as a smuggler and talk to the guys on the ship and be their friend. Then, once we’re on, we can kill everyone. Do captains have hats? Are their cooler than my hat? If it is, can I keep it?

Suryc: I hate to say this… but she actually has a good plan.

And thus, the party was now dependant on a chaotic neutral trickery cleric with the flaw of speaking her mind without thinking to get them to where they needed to go. XD

It was really good. We got onto the ship fine. The smugglers believed all the stuff I was telling them because I’m such a charismatic person. Things were going well until the rogue of our party got caught. That led to a lot of combat where my character died four or five times.

A few of the smugglers surrendered to our party once we killed the captain. My character didn’t care. She was pissed. I began flinging doors open looking for anything of interest to me. I found some lizardfolk, but they spoke a different language so I didn’t care. I told the party we should kill them. That was after the boar I had summoned charged through the door, breaking it down.

I ended up finding the galley of the ship. Frustrated, my character took one of the frying pans from the room and walked up to a surrendered smuggler. I pointed the pan at the tied up human.

Me: You! Where are the shiny things?!

Smuggler: What do you mean? There are tons of shiny things around.

Me: I don’t mean firey shiny things. I mean shiny shiny things. Magical shiny things would be even better.

Smuggler: You’re holding a shiny thing right now.

Me: I’m about to beat you with a shiny thing if you don’t show me where the real shiny things are.

Smuggler: Ok. Ok. I’ll show you where they are.

Me: Good.

The smuggler ended up taking me to a door on the other side of the ship. I had him go through it first, opening the door from the side just in case there were more bad guys. The inside of the room was nicely furnished with a writing desk, a bed, a couch, and other things that would normally have been of interest to my character.

After surveying the room, I pointed the frying pan to the smuggler again.

Me: Get! Out!

He backed away from me, clearly not understanding what my issue was. Once he was out of the room, I slammed the door and proceeded to curl up on the couch all cat-like and sulked. And that’s how the session ended. XD

It was so much fun.

So that was the end of Wednesday. Ox and I came home after that and went to bed.

Thursday was a school day. Not much to report there. After class, I went to the gym. I talked to Jon a bit and we agreed to apply for the apartment, so that was added to my to-do list. Fill that out and go submit it so we didn’t have to worry about the application fee. Just a $100 admin fee.

I had a pretty good workout then proceeded to gather all the information I needed for the application. I dashed back into town to turn it in. We found out later that evening that the application was approved and we’re set to move into the apartment on April 10th.

So now there’s a bunch of extra stuff on my to-do list… It never ends…

I didn’t do much for the rest of Thursday.

Ox and I had sexy time. I know I gloss over those interactions; no crazy details or anything. Last time was a little different, though. I feel like there are different levels of connection. Sometimes it’s more about physical gratification and sort of the shallower side of things. Other times it’s more about a mental or emotional connection and it touches something closer to the core of who we are as individuals. Other times it’s about healing or stress relief or any number of things. Sex isn’t a cookie-cutter where the same reasons or results apply to every situation.

Ox and I have been toeing more into the BDSM side of things recently. There wasn’t a lot of physical things that I feel would be classified as “kinky” this past Thursday, but there was a deeper level of mental play. I haven’t cried in a while, even with everything that’s been going on. I guess part of that is due to everything happening so fast, so consecutively, that I haven’t really had a chance to process through one event before another thing is demanding my attention. I’m constantly going without reflecting or addressing the issues associated with an event.

Thursday, Ox pushed me mentally to the point where I cried, and while I know for most normal people that sounds awful, for me it was perfect and exactly what I didn’t know I wanted or needed.

He held me while I cried over Dagger having surgery, over my coworker being catty, over the elation for not having cancer, over the stress with my brother moving, over my social experiment and the joy and anxiety that went with it. Over everything.

He held me and told me I was safe and that things were ok and I could finally let go of everything I didn’t know I was holding onto.

As the tears subsided I felt better, stronger, cleaner, calmer.

I stayed at the house for a bit, wanting to be physically close to Ox for a while longer. Eventually, I did come back to the apartment. I went to sleep early. Ox came over once his raid was done and we fell asleep together.

Friday was an alright day at work. My brother and I ended up fighting that evening on the phone. He misread one of my text messages which is where things really deteriorated. It’s been going slightly downhill for a few days, though.

With having our timetable moved up from May to April, it’s looking like I won’t be able to go out there to help him pack. Our older brother is going to be flying out to Daytona with our nephew to help pack instead. After packing, all three of them are going to make the drive from Daytona to Nebraska.

I think this option works better. I don’t have to miss work or school. I don’t have to pay for a plane ticket that I can’t truly afford. I get to see both my brothers and my nephew. Jon is traveling with someone who would be better assistance if one of the vehicles breaks down.

I feel like there are a lot of pros to the new situation, but Jon feels like I’m abandoning him; leaving him to travel halfway across the country by himself. I promised him x, y, and z, and now I’m doing none of it.

We talked through our feelings. It wasn’t easy. At one point he said we have to get used to having hard conversations and not breaking down into tears. I agreed. I took a few deep breaths. I told him that it was frustrating for him to say he understood circumstances were outside my control and it wasn’t my fault.

Me: If you understand that, then don’t direct your frustration AT me. Directed it at the Universe or whatever, but not AT me. I feel attacked and like the effort I’m putting into this means nothing to you.

We resolved our feelings by the end of the conversation. I asked if we were ok. He said yes and that he still loved me and that we would figure it out. I know a lot of the future conversations are going to revolve around finances for a bit, and that’s a subject I’m not good at talking about.

I hate money. I hate people owing me money. I hate owing people money. I hate the stress of not knowing if I have enough money. I hate not having clear, concrete numbers. Mentally it will be rough until he gets up here and we have a few months to see how things settle out. At least I was able to get to a point where I felt like there was closure in the conversation. I was able to go to sleep after having it.

I woke up tired for work Saturday. The day itself was smooth, but there had been more conversations and I was frustrated when I went on my break.

Move-in for the apartment is April 10th. My brothers are planning to be in Lincoln on the 16th of April. When I told my FA I wanted the 17th and 18th off, typically days I would work, I was asked to see if I could switch days with our other tech. I reached out to Other Tech, but she’s planning a vacation or something and won’t know until Tuesday if she can switch with me.

I was frustrated. The only time I have asked off in the past year was for surgery. This is going to be the only chance I have to be there to help with the move in. The only chance I’ll have to see my older brother and nephew while they’re in town. I want my days off. I feel I’ve done too much for our team and our patients to be told, “No. You can’t have two days.”

I called Ox and told him the situation and how I felt unsupported. How I was frustrated and felt like I was being told “No”. I hadn’t gotten back in touch with my FA over Other Tech’s response. Ox’s advice was to let her know and if push came to shove, to put in for PTO. Basically, draw my line in the sand. I WON’T be there on these days. Figure it out.

Still feeling frustrated, but slightly better, I let my FA know what Other Tech had said. We won’t know until Tuesday if she can switch days with me. My FA replied, saying to keep her posted and if nothing else, we’ll reach out to the region to find coverage.

That made me feel better. I felt more supported. Essentially, I have the days, it’s just waiting to see if I need to put in PTO for it or if I’ll be able to get my hours by switching days. And looking back on it, a lot of the frustration I felt was internal because of shit my brain was saying, not based on facts or reality. I think a lot of it had to do with being tired and not taking enough time for self-care.

Being frustrated didn’t help with my tiredness level, but I did feel better after my FA’s reply. I was able to finish out the day sans yucky feelings. I went to the house after work. Ox has his kids so we ordered pizza for dinner. I ate at the house with the family. We even took care of the cardboard that was on the front porch since we have to recycle that. Overall, it was a nice evening.

I came home and went to sleep. I woke up a few hours later and realized I had left my sweater with my cigarettes at the house. Ox brought them to me. We had a cigarette together and then I went back to sleep.

I’m done with roller coasters. I need some quiet, normal, non-eventful days. ;-;

Daily Post 206: Half Way Done

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Alright. So here we are, about halfway through my “off” days.

Monday was alright at work. It was fun being able to tell my patients about my social experiment for school. They seemed genuinely interested in how it went and joked and smiled with me as I told my stories. The day would have gone better had the nephrologist not rounded in the middle of change over. Luckily, my FA helped flip a few stations and even started one patient’s treatment for the RN and me. We would have been significantly behind without her help.

The rest of the day went smoothly. I had some frustration at the end of the day. This was the RN who I’m pretty sure mentioned to my FA how she didn’t like me coloring during my downtime. As I’m sweating bullets trying to get the clinic closed up she’s sitting at the computer. It must be nice…

By the time I got home, I was mostly over my frustration. The drive home in sunlight with music helps a lot in getting over things like that. Is something at work frustrating? Yeah. But you know what? It’s over. Fuck it. I’m going to enjoy my drive in the non-snowy weather. I’m not going to let the frustration take this moment away from me.

Monday was raid night for Ox. We went to the gas station together so he could get a few energy drinks. I even partook of one before going back to the apartment. I unpacked from work. Washed the dishes. Cooked dinner. Finished editing my assignment for school. Printed my assignment out and packed it away for Tuesday. Packed for the gym the next day.

I then proceeded to spend most of the night coloring a new mandala, staying up until 11 pm. Blaming the energy drink on that one since I typically can’t stay up much past 7 pm most nights.

I was awake when Ox came over so we had a cigarette together then went to bed.

Tuesday morning was crazy productive. I did my morning routine. I packed up the car with my gym bag, school stuff, and my basket of laundry. I ran over to the vet to finish paying my balance with them. The check from Ox finally cleared so I had the money to take care of financial things.

After the vet, I swung by the house to start my laundry. I then headed into town. I went to Walmart and got a money order to pay rent. I went to Costco and got gas for the car. I hopped across the street and got two packs of wet cat food for the kittens. From there I headed to school feeling good about having gotten all of my morning stuff done.

Class was good. I got to talk pretty extensively about my experiment. Not a lot of other people wanted to talk about theirs. I figured that’s how class would go down. Whatever. I had fun and it was super informative and I wrote extensively about it.

After class, I headed to the gym. It didn’t feel like it would be a good workout. I was tired and thought about not going. Instead of giving up, I stopped at a gas station near the gym to eat my protein bar since I was ridiculously hungry. I was able to have more of my energy drink and Ox was actually able to catch up with me so we got to spend some time together.

All of those things helped me to start feeling better. After about 15 minutes, I continued on to the gym. I still didn’t think it would be a good workout, but at least I wasn’t giving up on it. After a 10 minute warmup on the bike, I was feeling more with it. I reached gear 11 a few times. I ended up biking for 35 minutes, reaching just over 6.5 miles. Not bad for thinking I wouldn’t be able to do much.

I stopped at the gas station in Hickman before going to the house. I use lemon and lime juice frequently and I was running low on them. I figured I would pick new bottles up while I was out instead of having to make an emergency trip later.

Once at the house, I switched my laundry and ate again. I went ahead and spent the $20 to get the set of silicone containers I found on Amazon. They should be here Thursday. I logged my workout, noting that I’ve been improving since my return to the gym at the beginning of the month. My first workout was only 20 minutes and I barely made it past 3 miles on that one.

I also took a moment to recognize that while I may not be losing weight, I haven’t gained anything since November and receiving my cancer diagnosis. If I’m able to maintain while not doing a whole lot at the gym, then, theoretically, once I start pushing again, I should start making progress in that area. It made me feel better to realize I haven’t been doing that bad on the health side of things as I had been thinking. I’m going to give it another month before going back to lifting since that was the advice from my Endocrinologist. She wants me to heal a bit more first before doing crazy shit.

Ox and I had sexy time while I was over. Twice even. That left me dead for the rest of the day. In a good way. Totally not complaining that I didn’t get much of anything else done. When I was recovered enough I packed up my laundry and came back to the apartment and slept for a while. Eventually, I woke up to eat, thought about looking at the rest of my to-do list, but opted to go back to sleep instead.

Ox came over at some point and fell asleep next to me. I halfway sort of remember him getting into bed. I do clearly remember his alarm going off this morning. XD

He woke up for work and got ready, kissing me goodbye before he left.

My back was sore when I woke up at 6. I think it was from sleeping weird, or maybe for so long since I’m pretty sure collectively I slept more than 12 hours yesterday. As I moved around doing my morning stuff the pain went away which I’m grateful for.

As far as today goes, I’ve finally started making progress on my report that’s due March 19th. I’ve been going through my reference material and highlighting the information I want to use in my report. I’ve also got the report body outlined and the text formatted properly. Pretty much all that’s left is to put the information where I want it.

I just put the roast in the oven to cook and I’ve written, so all that’s left is to start plucking away at the minor tasks on my list before going into town for counseling.

Ox and I plan to meet for lunch at the diner. From there I need to go check out one of the apartments Jon and I are interested in. There’s D&D tonight. I’ve already made sure my character sheets are in the bag. XD

It’s going to be another busy day, but it should also be a good day. It’s sunny again which is nice. Summer is on its way. I’m looking forward to it.

Report Cat is Helping

Daily Post 205: Breaking Social Norms

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Another day that didn’t go as expected, but once again, in a good way.

I colored for most of last night after writing. I even made a drink eventually. Since I was drinking I ate after my 10 pm cut off time for taking my Synthroid at 2 am. That was fine. I figured I would take it when I woke up the next day.

Ox came over and slept next to me. When my alarm starting going off like normal for me to take my pill, I poked at Ox, telling him to shut it off. In his half-awake state, he kept hitting snooze instead.

My Brain: Not cool, bro. >.>

Eventually, he found the stop button and we both went back to sleep for a while. I woke up at six. I took my pill then went back to sleep for a while. I woke up again around 9. That’s sort of crazy in my world. Usually, I’ve already been awake for 7 hours at that point.

Shortly after waking up I concluded today wouldn’t be an exceedingly productive day. Since I’m a girl and all, I had cramping and general feelings of blah-ness. No plans for the gym unless I started feeling better, which didn’t feel likely. And with how eventful the past days have been, I was ok with social interaction not being very high on my list.

I took care of the kittens then headed over to the house to have breakfast with the family. Ox was amazing and took my trash out for me before he left. Once at the house, I read my previous three or four posts to Ox while the bacon cooked.

After breakfast, I asked Ox to cuddle with me. There had been tentative plans to do grocery shopping, but I still wasn’t feeling well and the tiredness I had woken up with hadn’t lessened even though I had already had over half of my Bang and a cup of coffee.

Ox made the comment of me taking a nap. He said grocery shopping could wait until Tuesday; our normal day. Today could be a recovery day from all of the craziness. As he held me I reluctantly informed him that I had an assignment due for school.

Me: I have to break a folkway for school by Tuesday.

Ox: What?

I explained what my assignment for the class was and that I had no idea what to do as we cuddled. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to be away from Ox. And I really didn’t want to do anything outside my comfort zone. I had been thinking of taking a zero on the assignment, introvert that I am. I couldn’t not tell Ox about the assignment, though. In my mind, not telling him about it would have been a form of lying.

Bringing up the topic led to both of us dinking around on our phones to get ideas of different folkways to break and how. After some brainstorming, I had settled on the idea of going into town. It’s almost Mardi Gras and I was thinking of getting a feather mask from Party City to wear while doing grocery shopping. The mental interaction with Ox had given me a bit of energy so I was more on board with going out. I would be completing something that I needed to get done for school and taking care of a task on my to-do list at the same time. Win-win, right?

As Ox and I were having a cigarette outside before heading into town he mentioned the helmet and mace we had created for my Hawk Girl costume a few years ago.

Holy shit!!! I still have those! I could totally use them! BEST IDEA EVER!!!!

I dashed back inside and got my helmet and mace. I could not wait to do the experiment now. Maybe it was because I got to wear something we had made together, or because it was something I had already worn before and was comfortable with, or because I had some sort of personal investment in the project now. I can’t say specifically what it was about wearing the helmet that made me more ok with doing this project, but I was actually eager to do it now.

Ox took me back to the apartment so I could paint my face. We talked about the mace a bit. He said he wasn’t ok with me taking that with me due to the potential of legal ramifications. It didn’t matter that it was fake. Walking around with a mace on my hip would most likely be crossing a social line that wouldn’t be pretty. I eventually conceded.

Me: Fine… I won’t take the mace… but I’m totally going to paint my face and go the grocery shopping in my badass Hawk Girl helmet. God, this is going to be so good. For science!

I went to the gas station here in Hickman first. Overall, it was a positive experiment. I got a lot of data for my assignment and was emboldened by the support and encouragement I got when I interacted with people one on one.

Deciding to push further, I had Ox drive me to one of the Walmarts in Lincoln. I went in and continued with my social experiment. I even got to meet a sociology teacher who came up to me and asked if I was doing an experiment. It was a wildly successful project and I had so many things to write about. The difference between the reaction of children and adults. The non-verbal aspect of body language. My own internal reactions to doing something outside of the social norm.

My Brain: Soooo many things. Sooooo good.

At the end of my Walmart trip, I went into the restroom and washed my face off, returning to my normal, socially acceptable self. Ox and I finished our shopping in peace and quiet.

We stopped by the At Home store that recently opened. He mentioned how I haven’t gotten anything for the apartment in a while and I was supposed to have been getting something for myself each time I did well on a test. At my continued statements of, “I don’t need anything,” he threw in that I really deserved something for doing so outstanding on my cancer test, with that coming back negative and all.

I couldn’t argue his logic. I mean… I had been thinking about getting a colander, but I really didn’t need anything… I was getting by fine without one… But what the heck? We’re out together and I’m feeling better, so let’s enjoy the time we have, even if it ends up being window shopping.

So… I ended up with a new sink strainer, a collapsable colander, a pair of silicone tongs, a silicone oven mitt, and a new lidded trash can for the bathroom so the kittens can stop saving me from evil q-tips… Yeah… totally need nothing for the apartment…

I feel like we got a lot of things and there’s a part of me who still feels uncomfortable that we spent money. The total came out to $40, though, which in my mind isn’t all that bad. I feel like we got our money’s worth.

While we were in the store, we saw a set of collapsible food containers. Mind = blown. I didn’t know anything like that existed. The ones in the store weren’t microwaveable safe, but I was curious if Amazon had anything that was, which, they do. Totally going to be the next thing I buy myself. My minimalist, organizational brain cannot wait. This opens a whole new world to me.

Anywho. Costco was the last place for us to stop. Once we were done there we headed back to the house so I could type my findings for the assignment due Tuesday. That’s what I’ve been doing for the past hours; typing and proofreading and editing.

I didn’t expect to spend my day doing this assignment, but it turned out to be amazingly fun and I’m glad it was such a success. I typed five pages… most likely overkill since only three paragraphs were required, but I don’t regret a single word. I’m sure I went much more in-depth than what most students do for this assignment.

Currently, I’m cooking ribs in my Ninja Foodi for dinner. Since those are almost done, I’m going to go. I work tomorrow, but then I’m back to having some days off. Hopefully, there aren’t emergency surgeries or crazy social experiments that I have to do and I can just chill and be antisocially introverted for a while. That would be nice.

Daily Post 204: Progress

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Another mostly uneventful day. I took my Synthroid at 2, then went back to sleep. For the past month, it hasn’t been an issue. I get an extra 30 minutes of snooze time before having to get back up. I’ve never been groggy or sluggish.

Not so today. God did I not want to get out of bed. I hit snooze another two times before finally dragging myself out from under the covers around 2:50. Once I got moving I was fine, but yeah, the start was rough.

Work itself went smoothly. I mixed acid for the first time today since my surgery. It’s not a complicated task, but it involves moving heavy boxes and lifting bags to pour into the mixer. I haven’t felt up to the challenge until recently. The other tech has been taking care of this particular task for me and I’ve appreciated it. I want to get back to my old self, though, and today was my first attempt. I’m happy to report that my incision wasn’t angry after all of the movement. Woo.

I got to meet our new patient for the first time as well. She’s extremely sweet.

I went to the house after work. Papa Ox was outside so he and I got to talk for a bit. He inquired about Dagger. I’ll most likely take the kittens over to the house next weekend so Papa Ox can see them for a bit.

There was back and forth talk about getting Chinese for dinner. Ultimately we decided not to and I came back to the apartment for the evening. Ox may come over later tonight. I told him to surprise me. I didn’t have much mental energy left to give after working all day.

I laid in bed for a little bit once I got here. After some time, I got up and went onto YouTube to look for “self foot massage” videos. My feet have been killing me lately. Maybe it’s time I looked at switching out my shoes. The massage helped which is nice. I might add it to my self-care routine. I’m sure my feet would be grateful. Not so sure about my hands. XD

Jon and I talked a bit more about the moving situation. He wants a solid date so it’s not a nebulous idea. He’s going to be calling the two apartments we’re interested in after his doctor’s appointment on Monday. Tentatively we’re shooting for a lease to start in May. We’ll have a better idea of our options and time frame next week. It seems to be coming together nicely, though.

My lease ends May 31st. I think I’ll be alright if I have to pay rent at two places for one month. That would make moving less of a time crunch. I would have a whole month to do it. Ox and I have saved a majority of our tax returns as a buffer to help with the upcoming expenses. Jon added filling his taxes to his to-do list. Hopefully, he gets a decent amount back. He also plans to pick up extra shifts at the hospital until he moves to add to our collective buffer.

I’ve meal planned for the coming week and made a small shopping list. Not much else to do for the rest of the night other than relaxing. I got to work on my mandala a little bit at work today. It’s close to being done so I think that’s what I’ll do for a few hours. Or you know… until I finish it. I know me… I’ll set a time limit, but I can finish this section real quick. And that only leaves this section in the area I’m working on. That other part won’t take very long… 8 hours later…

I guess today was progress. Progress in my healing. Progress in Operation: Relocation. Now for some more progress on a personal project.

Daily Post 203: The Return Home

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Today hasn’t been all that eventful. Mostly because it was a workday. Woke up and did my morning routine. It was hard not having Dagger there, knowing he was at the vet alone. Saber and I cuddled together all night. She missed her brother. She kept looking for him.

Saber: Meeeooow. Meeeeoooooow.

Me: I know, Saber. I know. I miss him, too.

Ox had agreed to pick Dagger up from the vet once he was off work. I didn’t want to go this morning. I wanted to call in and say I couldn’t be there. Dagger needed me. I wanted to call out last night. Since our clinic has such a bare-bones crew, though, I knew I couldn’t. I had to go to work. I had to be away from my little tiger. It sucked.

As my patients came in and asked me how my week had been I got to tell them about the good news regarding my cancer. I also got to tell them the craziness that was yesterday with Dagger eating one of my cross-stitching needles. When Ox finally called me to tell me he was off work I didn’t know what to feel.

I wanted to be the one picking him up. I wanted to be there when Dagger got home. I wanted to be there to say, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for leaving my project out. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for not giving you a choice with the surgery. I’m sorry you’re in pain. You’re my little tiger and you were so brave and I love you so much.”

I was grateful for Ox being there in my place. I was also grateful the day was smooth for the most part. I left the clinic by 4 pm. I was able to make it to the vet around 4:30 to pay half of the $600 bill I have with them. I plan to pay the rest on Tuesday on my way to school.

Ox stayed at the apartment with Dagger and Saber while I was at work. I hadn’t expected him to do that. I knew he was going to be there for a little bit, but he ended up sleeping here at the apartment with the kittens cuddled up against him.

Finding that out, that he didn’t leave Dagger alone, warmed a part of my heart. We hadn’t talked about it. I hadn’t asked. He hadn’t offered, and while I joke about the kittens being his fur babies, in my mind they aren’t his responsibility. I didn’t really give him a choice when I got the kittens. I just did it. He didn’t have to stay here to comfort them, to keep an eye on them.

He didn’t have to give up his whole afternoon, but he did and there aren’t words for what it means to me. It was an act of selflessness and I won’t forget it. It’s added to the ever-growing list of kindnesses he has done for me; to the times he’s been there for me even when I haven’t asked.

While I was at the vet they gave me the needle Dagger swallowed. It’s the most expensive needle I own. I’m seriously thinking about framing it or something. I know it’s stupid and no one would want to inherit it when I die, but it means something to me. One of those moments in life.

Anywho. The vet was extremely kind in letting me split the payment up. She understood this wasn’t an expected expense. I’m still waiting for a check from Ox to clear with my bank. That should happen Monday.

I ran by the gas station to pick up a Bang for Ox. Originally it was going to be a Reign but the gas station didn’t have those, so Bang it was.

When I got to the apartment I finally got to see Dagger. He’s doing well. Still sore, but he’s moving around and seems to be himself. Ox and I clipped the kittens’ claws while he was here. He left not long ago.

I don’t think I’m going to do much with the rest of my night. I’ve packed for work already. I’ve washed the dishes. I’ve eaten. I’ve written.

The only obligation left is to give Dagger his med in an hour. I’m thinking about coloring since I haven’t since Monday. I think that would be nice to do while listening to music. And then, eventually, going to sleep with both my kittens knowing that they’re both ok.

The Victorious Tiny Tiger

Daily Post 202: Cancer and a Needle

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A lot has happened since writing yesterday and I want to start this writing with the best and biggest piece of news of all.

Kevin’s ass was kicked.

My thyroid cancer, Kevin, needs no further treatments at this time.

I met with my endocrinologist yesterday evening at 4 pm. Yesterday was full of some of the longest hours of my life. Ox and I got to the appointment early. I got checked in. We both waited to be taken back to the exam room. My vitals were taken. We waited longer… And the whole time inside my head I’m dreading the moment my doctor will sit across from me and tell me that the battle isn’t over. Here’s another unknown number of months where this thing will still be an issue on your mind.

But that wasn’t what happened.

My doctor did, in fact, come in and sit across from me. She explained, for the first time since my surgery, what the surgeon had done aside from removing my thyroid.

She explained concisely what my pathology found and that while, yes, one node out of nine along the front of my neck was positive, all of the other nodes from the left and right sides as well as all of the blood vessels and other tissues sampled came back negative. For the time being, we are not going to proceed with a radioactive treatment and instead monitor some of the things in my blood. If certain numbers stay low, then we’ll check less frequently. If they continue to remain low, then nothing else needs to happen.

So while it might be inappropriate to say this chapter is 100% done, for me, for now, I’m marking it as done. If a radioactive treatment is needed it won’t be until further in the future. I can, in fact, begin to enjoy this calm because it’s not the temporary month it felt like it would be. I have another three months or so before potentially having to look into additional steps. I can focus on school, life, work, recovering, being at peace with myself. I can not worry about cancer for the next three months.

And even if I do have to have a radioactive treatment, it won’t require a hospital stay for an unknown number of days. I would go to the hospital, take a pill, and then go home. That type of situation seems much more manageable, doable, within my world.

Labs were drawn while I was there. I won’t know until tomorrow or potentially early next week if my dosage of Synthroid needs to be adjusted. But adjusting the amount of a pill doesn’t seem as huge of a deal. Not when I know that I don’t have all of this other stuff to figure out.

It was an amazing appointment and I shared the news with several people while I was waiting to have my blood drawn. The sense of relief I had in being able to finally share good news was indescribable.

It’s over. At least, for now, it’s over. We did it. We won. It’s over.

Ox and I picked up pizza for the D&D group on our way from the doctor’s office. When we got to the house I shared the good news with the group because I couldn’t keep it to myself. No one there knew of my previous diagnosis or the surgery. They all seemed genuinely happy for the news and commented that they had no idea I had been going through something like that.

God, it was so good. I’m still riding the wave of relief. It’s done. It’s over. We won. We can stop fighting. All of the tension, and worry, and unknown can finally stop. For right now I can rest. We can rest. There’s nothing else for anyone to do.

So yes. That was the biggest thing about yesterday.

The day itself started alright. I felt frazzled for most of the morning. I knew I needed to do things and I did fairly well at working my way through my to-do list. I felt disorganized though. My mind wasn’t focused and at the time there were three areas of my life that I didn’t have clear direction in. Work, Jon moving to Nebraska, and my cancer.

I worked through different tasks at the apartment before heading out to counseling. I stopped at the house to pick up my clothes. I ran to Petsmart to get cat food and cat litter. I made it to counseling on time despite leaving later than what I would have liked.

Counseling helped me figure out a lot of my emotions. We talked pretty extensively about the work issue with me coloring. I talked about how I felt like I was more bothered by the fact that it became an issue involving my boss rather than being a conversation between me and the concerned parties. I also mentioned how I felt like it was one particular person rather than both nurses.

In my mind, regardless of why something bothers you, at least tell me, “Hey this bothers me, can you please not do it?”

Why did my coworker(s) feel like they couldn’t talk to me themselves?

That ended up being the root of my bothered-ness. If I’m supposed to work with these people, but I can’t trust them to communicate to me when there’s an issue, then how can we function as a team?

The end result of that ended up being me deciding to have a conversation with my FA to get her perspective. If she were in my shoes, and she knew people felt like they could not approach her with even minor issues, what would she do if anything?

I haven’t had that conversation yet, but I felt better for having a clear plan of action for the situation. I need to have a conversation. Nice. The work area of things seemed less like chaos since I know knew how to begin addressing the issue.

That led to talking about Jon and his decision to move. The issue of the dog might not be as hard as originally thought. His doctor does sign off on emotional support pets, which can’t be discriminated against. Jon has a really strong case for Queenie being emotionally supportive. He has an appointment with his doctor Monday to see what can be done for obtaining paperwork for her.

So while that takes some of the pressure off of the whole moving thing because it adds apartments back to our list of potential locations, not having an idea for timeframe makes things hard to figure out. Are we doing this in March? Waiting until May? When do both of our leases end? When are we looking to move in? None of this was known.

Another conversation was needed. That was the conclusion for that area of my life as well. Since Jon had officially decided to move, the next thing we needed to figure out was when. Is it going to be March, during my spring break? Would it be later, around May when both of our leases were closer to being over and my Sociology class was out of the way? What are the pros and cons of the choices we have and what one did we want to shoot for?

Two out of three areas addressed. That left my feelings regarding my upcoming appointment.

Counselor: What are you wanting to get out of this appointment?

Me: *sad laugh with tears in my eyes* I can’t have what I want. I want to be told that it’s done and over with and that I can tell everyone that I don’t have cancer.

Oh, Universe… Had I known then…

I said that realistically speaking I was hoping to know what the next steps would be and how time-sensitive they were. If I had to have this radioactive treatment done, did it have to happen soon? If so, then I would most likely have to try to get it taken care of during my spring break which may or may not affect helping Jon to move. If it could wait a little bit, maybe I could do it during the summer instead. Lots of unknowns in this regard, but I was on the road to having answers. All I needed and could do was keep breathing until my appointment and go from there.

I felt better after counseling. Still a little frazzled but not as much as I had been. I called Jon shortly after getting to my car and we talked about the whole moving thing. He agreed that though he would prefer for me to fly down now so he could be in Nebraska tomorrow, waiting until May-ish would most likely be the better option. We could plan things a bit more.

I headed to the gym and biked for roughly 30 minutes. Six miles at a top gear of 9. Not bad. Worked up a sweat. Felt good for having gone since I hadn’t the day before.

I called Jon again on my way home. It was during this conversation were I found out about the emotional support paperwork his doctor would be willing to fill out for Queenie, which is the name of his pit bull by the way. If we are able to get the paperwork in place then that puts the new apartments being built in Hickman back on the table, which is where I would really, really like to be.

I said I would call and see if I could get some questions answered in regards to the new apartments. I continued on my way home. Made the phone call. No one answered. Left a message. I started reading chapter 5 for my Sociology class and basically tried to keep my brain engaged enough to not dwell on the upcoming appointment.

Around 3 pm Ox came over. We headed into town. It started snowing as we got out of the car. Much lame. But the appointment went amazingly well so the weather couldn’t fuck with my mood.

D&D was fun. Our characters made it to level two. I found out that I forgot to put my character sheets back into the D&D bag and had to spend a majority of the time flipping back and forth between the pages for my character and a page with the stats for my Giant Badger. All that time I spent on making tables for my Bag of Tricks and then I don’t even get to use them. >.<

We headed home around 8 pm, stopping at the gas station real quick to pick up some cans of peas for the last meal I needed to make for the upcoming week. Ox and I went to bed with the kittens who were content enough to settle down with us rather than running around like coked-up fiends.

Ox woke up in the morning and got ready for work. Lately, we haven’t been having a cigarette together on my days off. He gets ready then comes in and kisses me goodbye, letting me stay in bed all nice and warm. I sleep until around 6 am which is when my alarm goes off. While there’s a part of me who misses that part of our mornings together, there’s also something sweetly romantic about goodbye kisses.

When I finally started my day, it started normally. Smoothly. Wake up, feed the kittens who would swear up and down they’ve been starving for the last eight years of their lives… Feed myself, take my med, make a to-do list, start tackling said to-do list.

Today’s pre-school stuff ended up being cleaning the litter box, washing dishes, finish reading chapter 5, take chapter five test, complete an assignment for school about a cultural icon, print cultural icon assignment and ensure it was in my notebook, cancel the loan application I had started with my bank, make a post on Facefail about the good news regarding my cancer, and post the picture of the puzzle my dad and I had worked on during his visit. All of that while the roast I needed to make for the last bit of my meal prep cooked itself in the oven.

Phew… That was a lot of stuff for only two-ish hours.

I drove to school. We began talking about the concept of universal wrongs. Do they exist and if so what are they and under what circumstances. God, I love the discussions we have in this class.

I had packed a bag for the gym but realized halfway to school that I had forgotten it at the apartment. Of course I did… So much lame, but the day was still young. I could go back out later or do something at home if I was feeling motivated to do so.

I hadn’t been back home long. Long enough to have sat down at the computer to begin writing. I wasn’t all that far into it when I noticed that Dagger was chewing on one of the threads to my current cross-stitch project. I got the spray bottle and sprayed him a few times to get him off the table and away from my project. He jumped down then started hacking a bit.

My brain froze at that moment.

Me: He ate a needle. Oh my god. I bet he ate a needle.

I rushed over to my project. Two of the three needles that I had been using were accounted for, but one was definitely missing. Dagger hacked a bit more as I rushed over to him. He laid down and let me open his mouth. No blood. No signs of a missing needle. He even started purring and licking his fur where the water had gotten him.

Me: Maybe he didn’t eat the needle?

I did a more thorough investigation of the table and the surrounding floor. Needle still missing.

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I called Ox.

Me: I think Dagger swallowed a needle.
Ox: What do you mean?
Me: I mean, I think Dagger swallowed a needle.

How else do you explain that you think your cat swallowed a needle?

I didn’t stay on the phone long. We both thought calling the vet was our best option for figuring out what to do. So I called the vet.

Me: Hi. This is Jennifer, the owner of Dagger and Saber.

I explained what had happened, how Dagger had been acting, and how he seemed fine now, but that I couldn’t find the needle anywhere. The vet said without doing an x-ray there wasn’t a way to know for sure. I could take a magnate to the suspected areas of the table and floor and see if maybe the needle was hiding somewhere. The vet said they could do the x-ray at the clinic for $125 and that they could do it as soon as I could bring Dagger in.

Ox had already been on his way to the apartment. I called him back and told him what the vet said. When Ox got inside he looked around for the needle as well. We were both hoping an extra set of eyes would maybe find it. No dice.

We packed Dagger up into the cat carrier and drove the five-minute distance to the vet office. The technician took him back and returned a few minutes later.

Tech: Yep. It’s in there.

Fuck my life. Seriously. No one in their right mind can be creative enough to come up with some of the shit that happens to me.

They said there were a few options since the needle was still in his stomach. It was possible another location could go in endoscopically and retrieve it. If we stayed at the clinic we were at, they would have to perform surgery. She would call and get prices for everything so we could make a decision.

Well… the endoscopic thing would have been over $1200, not including the $125 I already owed for the x-ray.

Surgery was $600, including the x-ray.

So I signed the consent forms for the surgery and struggled to maintain my composer long enough to at least walk out of the front door. I was so furious. At myself for leaving my needlework out when I knew I should have put it away. And at the Universe because fuck you. Is this because you gave me what I wanted yesterday? I don’t have cancer but now I have to worry about Dagger dying? Fuck you. Just… fuck you.

Ox held me saying that it wasn’t my fault and things would be ok.

Me: I know. But it feels like my fault. If it’s not my fault then why does it feel that way?

Ox took me back to the apartment so I could be with Saber. This is the longest the kittens have been apart from each other. I didn’t feel right leaving her alone. I didn’t do anything for a while. I didn’t want to go to the gym or workout. I didn’t want to go back to writing. I didn’t want to color or cross-stitch or watch anything on Netflix.

I ended up cuddling with Saber and taking a nap. Ox called me once. I went back to sleep after our phone call. The next time I woke up it was to the vet calling me.

Dagger was awake and had already had a snack. The surgery went beautifully and he would be ready to come home tomorrow. They even saved the needle for me in case I wanted it back. There’s a sick part of me who does. Maybe to frame or something. I don’t know.

So that’s where I am currently in life.

I’m very aware of how even though the Universe throws random shit at me, it’s usually during a time where I can do something about it.

In this instance, I was actually home to see what was going on. I was aware of the missing needle seconds after it happened, rather than hours later if I even went to cross-stitch tonight, or potentially even the next day when Dagger started having issues for “no reason”.

No. I saw it. I knew about it and could react to it.

I also have the finances to handle the situation. Trust me, I would rather spend $600 on pretty much anything else, but if this situation was going to happen at least it happened during a time where I could afford it.

So… yeah… fuck you, Universe, but at the same time thank you.

Thank you for letting me keep Dagger. Thank you for my appointment yesterday. Thank you for making it seem like having Jon move up here will actually be doable.

Thank you for so many things. If you could stop fucking with my life that would be great.

Dagger – Vanquisher of Needles