Daily Post: More Clouds QQ


This might be a sort of whiny post. It’s overcast again. AGAIN. I miss the sun. It came out for a little bit yesterday afternoon. Tons of people were outside with their kids. Bikes. Strollers. It was as if everyone were soaking up the rays as much as they could.

I know I felt that way. I could feel a difference in my skin. In my bones. Almost instant. I finally was getting sunlight and could feel alive and like I had energy and drive to do things. The Earth was finally awake and able to give energy; radiating it into my being and allowing me to feel like I could do things.

It’s not supposed to be sunny again until Sunday. Friday and Saturday are supposed to be filled with thunderstorms. I like the thought of storms. At least there’s energy with them and a reason for the lack of sun until this perpetual twilight of cloud cover.

These long, dreary, cloudy days of stillness drag on and on and it feels so hard to get anything accomplished. I woke up at 4 am and went back to sleep after taking my Synthroid. I woke up again at 8 am and couldn’t convince myself to do anything, so I stayed in bed until 10 am.

I feel like the day is wasted and it’s not even noon. I wish I knew how to change that. I can’t go to the gym since it’s closed. I could begin packing but I have to get the totes from the house first, which means I have to clean out the car so the totes could fit.

I have to take the kittens in for boarding later. I’m saving the mopping until after their gone. I have my report that needs to be worked on. Clothes still need to be put away. Meal prepping would be beneficial so I have food for the next days before flying to Florida.

There are all these things I’m “shoulding” on myself, which isn’t helping or making me feel better. Ox thinks I should still be taking my Vitamine D supplements. I might talk to my Endocrinologist about it. I stopped taking it pre-surgery per doctor’s orders but was never told if I could resume it, so I didn’t. I never asked.

Things were going so well post-surgery, and now I’m back to feeling unmotivated and low energy. I do think a lot of it has to do with the weather. I think stress is playing into it as well. There are travel bans from certain states going into Florida. So far Nebraska isn’t one of them. So far there aren’t travel bans coming back into Nebraska. But who knows how things will change in the next week? Who knows if I’ll be able to go back to work or not? Who knows what other obstacles Jon and I are going to have to figure out in regards to moving and the apartment? What if all his interviews get canceled because of covid-19? At least we have two months rent-free to figure something out I suppose. That did work well in our favor.

I did have a fairly decent day yesterday. Productive. There are feelings of accomplishment as I look back over my list; another thing which has been hit or miss in the past few weeks.

I got a lot done in the morning. Setting up the electicity and internet. Filling out the move in form and emailing it to Jon so he could fill out his portion. Taking care of my Jury Duty letter and getting my new certification form to my FA. Figuring out what to do with the cats so I don’t get evicted during my last weeks here. I looked at student loan consolication through Navy Federal, but I don’t think I’m going to do anything with it. My interest rate could actually go up rather than down, so I’ll stick with the evil I currently have.

I made a few new contacts in my phone for my pharmacy and the vet clinic. I found out about my Zoloft perscription. I could pick that up later today when I go over to the house. I went through my email. I read a bunch of blog posts that I’ve been slacking on. I wrote. I posted. I made a shopping list and was pleased to see it was so small. I got in touch with my therapist as well. Counseling is canceled for the moment until they figure out how they want to do it remotely.

I showered before heading into town to meet with Ox. We got gas for the cars. We got the money order for my recertification paperwork along with spinach; the only grocery item I needed. We got cat litter and wet food for the kittens. While we were at the pet store we made sure all of the paperwork was in place for the boarding. Since it’s $22 per cat per day, I won’t be able to board them until the 1st of April. Not that I really wanted to do that anyway. I don’t want to be away from them for that long. I can’t swing $300 for boarding though, so even if I was morally ok with doing it, financially I can’t.

When we got back to the house, I hopped on my computer to update my sorcerous character through the Aurora program. While I was messing aroung with her sheet, I got to talk to the DM and brainstorm with him a bit. I did end up taking one level in rogue. Since most of my spells are spectral weapons, I get to use the rogue’s sneak attack to boost their damage as long as I’m stealthed or hidden. Since my character has expertise in stealth I get added bonuses to my stealth rolls. I’m really liking the direction that this character is going. I hide in the shadows then leap out in a blaze of righteous glory. Maybe I should have named her Karma instead of Saber.

Anywho, I got my CCHT paperwork mailed off, so that’s 100% done. I can submit the Concur reports when I go to work tomorrow. I should have that money back within a week or so.

Ox and I did our D&D campaign together at the house. There were another few hours wasted as the DM tried to figure things out, but once we got into the actual game it was better. I don’t feel like it was a waste of time and there was significantly less bickering.

I came back to the apartment after the game and went to sleep, and that’s about all that’s happened so far today.

I’ve started in on my meal prep, more out of necessity then because I actually want to do it. Ox and I have talked a few times. I’ve put music on so that’s been playing in the background. I’ve filled out some more paperwork. I’ve done some dishes.

I’m hoping that I can salvage today despite the rough start.

Daily Post: Post Monday and D&D


Mostly un-proof read

I haven’t written in a while. The last post was my freak out over reporting one of my coworkers. That was Saturday evening. It’s not Wednesday afternoon. A lot has happened between now and then.

Sunday was pretty much shot. I focused on breathing most of the day. Staying calm even though my head wasn’t. As night crept closer I became more and more anxious about Monday morning; the day I would see my coworker again.

Somehow I was able to sleep. I think the weighted blanket had a lot to do with that. I think having Ox next to me helped as well. I always feel safer when he’s around even if there isn’t anything that will legitimately attack me. Sometimes the monsters are in our head and our own creation, but that doesn’t mean you don’t feel any less safe.

I spent a majority of Sunday creating a new D&D character to join in a campaign that Jon is running with from friends. I like the character I’ve come up with but it was rough and added friction to the day. I would come up with an idea only to have it shot down and to go back to the drawing board to come up with something else, but these few things don’t work so back to the drawing board I go…

With the low-level worry of Monday looming over me, the constant rethinking of my character wasn’t a welcomed challenge. I wanted my character to be the way I wanted her to be. I didn’t want to have to troubleshoot through stupid shit because “we can’t use homebrew stuff”.

Eventually, I got my character to a point that I was happy enough with her that I was looking forward to the game Monday night after work. It gave me something to look forward, too. I also found out that I work with my other RN on Friday and Saturday, so I only had to survive Monday’s hell. I could survive one day.

That’s what I kept telling myself whenever the tension started building. It’s only one day. I can make it through one day.

Monday started out rough. My RN was pissy most of the morning, which I figured is how it would go down. I didn’t receive any help setting up the clinic; something which I have grown to expect over the last few weeks. I don’t know what changed for her, but out of nowhere, she started being nice to me.

Maybe she realized that by making my morning hell she was setting both of us up for failure. I can’t do everything on my own AND run on time. If I run behind so does she so her day is automatically harder by default. Maybe it was because despite her bitchiness I didn’t comment or retaliate. I kept working and doing my best to keep things afloat and on time. Maybe she realized she was being rude. I don’t know. All I know is that eventually she changed her tune and it took away a lot of the anxiety I was feeling and the day ended up not being awful.

D&D with Jon Monday night got canceled. I can’t say I was too heartbroken about it. I got to talk with the DM and to get a better feel for my character. We decided to start a new campaign rather than having me jump into the one they already had going. I was able to talk about the homebrew stuff I wanted to use and received the DM’s blessing for it, so my character became even more of what I wanted her to be.

Overall, it was a pleasant night. Ox and I went to the gas station for minor grocery shopping before I came back to the apartment for failed D&D. He did his raid on WoW and came over after to sleep next to me. It was a nice night; one which I was able to enjoy since the tension of “unknown Monday” was over.

Tuesday I woke up and lazed around for a while. I started plucking away at chores that have piled up. Mostly dishes. I drove into town to take my recertification test. I had been worried about the testing center closing due to covid-19, but they remained open and I’m grateful for it.

The closer to the testing center I got, the more “not ok” I felt. As I pulled into the parking lot I realized it was because I wanted mom to wish me luck on my test. I wanted to hear her words, but I couldn’t and because of that, I didn’t want to take my test.

Not taking the test isn’t an option though. Without a current lisence, I’m not allowed to work. This is something I have to do regardless of how sucky I feel about it. Jon called me as I parked the car. I had been thinking about calling him to hear his voice since I was early for my test.

We chatted about my feelings for a bit. I cried a little. He empathized with me. I felt better for being able to share my feelings rather than having them eat away at me from the inside. We talked about our D&D characters since gaming had been rescheduled for Tuesday night. It was a nice way to relax a bit and refocus before my test.

The test itself was surprisingly easy. I was pleased with how much more confident I was in my answers compared to when I took the test two years ago. I passed and I wasn’t surprised or worried about it as I submitted my final answers.

I sent a picture of my renewed certification to my FA. She said she hadn’t been worried about it but she was glad it was done and congratulated me.

It felt good to have something major off my list. I can submit my Concur report to be reimbursed for the $250 I spent to take the test. I need to send my renewed license to the DHH of Nebraska. That will be another $95 but that too will be reimbursed. I’m looking forward to getting that money back so I can use it for the credit card or student loans.

Which… that’s something I found out. Not all of my loans are being deferred so I have a $150 at the beginning of April. Lame, but doable.

I also found out that my landlord is going to be coming into the apartment on Friday, so I had to figure out what to do with the kittens. I got that taken care of this morning. I’m going to be boarding them Thursday night and picking them up Friday evening.

D&D was AMAZING!!!!! Omg, it was so much fun. I attacked a level 20 lich as a level 2 character because that’s how I roll. I also insulted a velociraptor with my Vicious Mockery, telling it its mother was a chicken. XD

God, I love the dynamic of this group so much more than the one Ox and I are currently in. There wasn’t bickering between wife and DM. The other players actually roleplayed their characters. There wasn’t a focus on combat or progressing the campaign. It was more about creating an organic story and character interaction that made sense. Soooooo goooooood. Omg.

We made it to level three. I’m thinking about taking a level of rogue since I’m a tiefling urchin. I mean… yeah, I’m a self-taught sorcerous, but if I grew up on the streets then I would have some sort of rogue/thief influence. I need to look into what taking a level in rogue would give me as far as skills, abilities, proficiencies, and such, but I’m very strongly leaning towards that possibility.

As far as today, so far I’ve been super productive. I’ve taken care of most of my morning chores. I got electricity and internet schedule for the apartment, which, I move in less than a week. Can. Not. Wait.

I got the cats taken care of as far as boarding goes. I called about my Zoloft prescription. That will be ready for pick up tomorrow. I sent my FA my jury duty notice so we can get the letter drafted for that. I also sent her a scanned copy of my certification. I’ve gone through my email. I’ve caught up on the blogs I tend to follow. I’ve replied to several messages though there are still more that need my attention. I swept yesterday so mopping today would be nice. Meal prep will most likely happen later today after some more minor grocery shopping.

I’ve been catching up on stuff mostly and even though it’s yet another dreary, overcast day, I’ve been doing better today then I have been post-Saturday evening.

The goal is to keep plucking away at things until the D&D session tonight. Since my other one is so much more fun, I feel like I’m going to have less of a tolerance for BS, which I’m ok with. I have enough stuff going on in my life to have what should be a fun game feel like a frustrating obligation. I have better things to do with my time than waste it.

I guess I’ll go for now. I need to shower still and head into town to meet with Ox. Here’s to a decent day.

Daily Post 213: D&D Issues


Yesterday ended up being an alright day. It was rainy and yucky. Not cool. : /

I talked to Ox and Jon before creating a to-do list. I messaged L. I wrote and posted. I cleaned the litter box and made sure the cats had food and water. #goodFurMom

I showered, got dressed, took the trash out, then loaded up the car with my laundry and the cardboard I have accumulated over the past few weeks.

I went to counseling. We talked pretty extensively about covid-19. How was I handling the changes in regards to school, work, and personal life? What were some of the possible changes regarding counseling access in the future if stricter measures were put into place? I talked about how I felt I had fallen off the “self-care” train, but that I was getting back on it and seemed to be better for it. It was a good session and I’m glad I went.

I went to the house after leaving campus. I started my laundry. Ox and I had sexy time, but it didn’t go very well. It was short and immediately switched from a D/s situation back to normal everyday life and my brain was having a hard time with that. I ended up going back to the apartment while Ox was in the shower.

I could have handled the situation better. At the time, I felt I needed space because I knew all of the emotions were my own. Ox hadn’t done anything wrong. In fact, he had done pretty much everything that I have mentioned wanting at one point or another. Not every fair of me to come back now and be like, “QQ that wasn’t what I wanted”.

Needless to say, he wasn’t expecting me to be gone when he got out of the shower. He called, but my phone was still on silent from counseling. He proceeded to send text messages which caused my phone to vibrate. I was in bed under the covers trying to figure out what was going on inside my brain.

We tried to talk for a little while, but it wasn’t a very productive conversation. I wasn’t at a place mentally and emotionally to really articulate why our encounter was bothering me the way it was. Since our upcoming D&D session was switched to an online platform, we agreed to talk later once I came back over to game.

Despite the unaddressed yuckiness between us, Ox was kind enough to switch my laundry to the dryer for me. I cuddled with the kittens for a while, which helped. Eventually, I got up and started plucking away at more chores. I had to run out to Dollar General for dish scrubs. I had thought I had two under the sink, so I threw out the current one only to discover that, no, I didn’t have dish scrubs and now had no way to clean my dishes…

After completing that unexpected errand, I began cooking the pasta dish I had planned as a meal for this coming week. It’s been so long since I’ve had anything with noodles. While I’ve been fine without them, there are several recipes that I like that I haven’t been making due to a lack of decent noodle replacement.

The other week while Ox and I were at Costco, we found a box of “Healthy Noodles”. They’re a little expensive; $15 for six bags. Ox encouraged me to try them so we got a box.

Last week I used them for the first time in a chicken alfredo recipe. The noodles were different from regular noodles, but they weren’t bad. I was ok with them enough to give them a shot in other recipes.

Enter my decision to try making my spaghetti sauce with them.

Sooooo goooood. Oh man. I can’t wait to make some of my other recipes. We actually got a second box of them on Tuesday while we were at Costco for our weekly shopping trip.

Anywho… It felt good to cut up the veggies and wash the dishes and to cook a meal that I haven’t been able to enjoy in months. At least not the way I want to enjoy it since Lil’ Ox is finicky and doesn’t like mushrooms or onions, or because Mama Ox doesn’t add basil to the sauce…

No. This time it was made right AND I got to have it with noodles. /swoon

Ox and I talked again once I got the sauce to a point where it was simmering. I talked a bit more, explaining that the previous night I had spent literally hours trying to take care of my arousal on my own, only to give up because it wasn’t working. I wanted him and no amount of sexy brain power was going to change the fact that I was on my own and that’s not what I or my body wanted.

During our conversation, I was finally able to explain my experience the previous night and that in my head, I had built up our next encounter into something a bit different than what it had turned out to be and how things had so quickly gone back to normal as if nothing had happened at all. It had hurt and while, yes, Ox and I were fine, I needed time to get over my emotions and that’s why I had left.

I wasn’t feeling up for being around people. Lil’ Ox was still at the house and Mama Ox had just gotten home. Instead of going to the house to game, I stayed at the apartment which let me continue to be productive.

I looked at my online class. Nothing has been posted or changed so there wasn’t anything for me to do… I’m not surprised since the whole school is having to switch their class content to an online format. I’m going to look into it later today. If nothing else, I’ll do the reading so once the assignments are posted I can complete them quickly.

I did get a reply back from an RN who works with my primary care physician. She basically blew off my request for a refill of Zoloft, saying I had two refills left and needed to contact my pharmacy.

Me: Thank you for your reply to my message. I have been taking a single 25mcg tablet of Zoloft daily since January and currently do not have refills left from the original prescription. I still have roughly two weeks of the medication left but was unsure of what actions needed to be completed in regards to obtaining additional refills. If the refill would be for another 90 days, I would need the pharmacy switched due to insurance coverage to [new pharmacy]. Am I able to contact them directly about the refill or does this need to go through processing at your office first? I look forward to your reply with any further actions I can take to help facilitate a prescription renewal at the above location.

Diplomacy is the ability to tell people “fuck you” in a way that they actually feel good about it.

I haven’t received a reply yet. It’s still early in the morning though. They haven’t been open for very long.

Anyway… On to D&D… which will be a majority of this post since it sucked last night. Pretty hardcore actually…

We spent two hours getting on to Roll20 and figuring out audio settings for everyone. The GM kept having lag issues, so he constantly had to disconnect or refresh. After a while of not being able to even type in the chat window because the lag was so bad, I suggested we try Skype instead.

So then we all had to switch over to that and remember our login information and get it sent to Dark so she could create a call for the group…

Once we finally got to a point where we could game, Dark decided to spend nearly an hour and a half going off and doing her own thing without talking to the party about it first. When the party finally was reunited she proceeded to act as if she were the group leader, conveying information to the queen of the lizardfolk, but she was doing such a poor job of it and giving such misinformation that my character called her out.

Dagger: Actually, you can’t promise any of those things because we don’t know what the humans will actually do once we return to them. And really, the humans wanted us to come here to ask two questions specifically, which you haven’t asked, so it’s highly unlikely that they would help at all even if we did return to them. By the way, your majesty, is Saltmarsh safe and what has really been going on for your people with these attacks and stuff?

Seriously, last night was one of those moments where inside my head I’m thinking, “go fuck yourself. I hope your character dies”.

Irrational Right Brain: I get that your the DM’s wife but literally everyone is tired of the time you waste bickering with your husband when he makes a ruling you don’t like or agree with. We’re all tired of you not acting like you’re part of the group and running off to do your own thing and then getting pissy when you trigger a trap or something and no one is there to help save you. For being the person who “needed D&D” in your life, you seem to be doing everything possible to make this a mind-numbingly tedious experience for everyone else involved. The campaign doesn’t revolve around you.

I told Ox that I wasn’t sure if the group would last long enough to finish the campaign with the way it has been going. I can see the other two members getting tired of wasting their time and quitting or trying to find a better group. I wouldn’t blame them since I got more play time then they did and that’s saying something since I barely got to do anything at all.

On the bright side, I did get to sing my first song as a bard. : D

Ok… maybe I didn’t exactly “sing” it since it’s more of a poem than a song… but I wrote it off the top of my head none the less and I’m proud of it so I’m going to post it here to make everyone suffer just like my D&D group. ^^

Dagger’s First Poem:
Oh queen, oh queen do come to thee
Please grace this party with your divine beauty

From distant lands we have traveled far
To speak to you about troubles so large

Though draconic words not all we speak
Help we offer if perchance we meet

Oh queen of queen please come to me
I ask you grace this Tabaxie with your grand company

Totally sang/spoke that while I sat on the throne in the throne room since we were left unattended. Either she would love my song or be pissed that I was in her seat. I was ok with either as long as she showed up and we got to talk to her. XD

I’m thinking about reach out to the DM. I’m pretty sure I’ve said that before. If I haven’t, I’ve thought it enough times to feel bad for not having done it yet. I’m also thinking of forcing a bit of role-playing into our next session. Not in a bad way… but our party is pretty disjointed and this recent experience with the lizardfolk queen proves it. We need to sit down as characters and actually start understanding one another and decide how we want to be structured as a party. Do we have a leader? Is it more of a democracy where everyone gets to throw in a vote? We have some downtime before we embark on our quest to take out the traitorous priests and their 1000 teeth monster. Hopefully, our group can figure out what type of party we want to be before we get there.

So yeah, D&D wasn’t awesome, but it had its moments. The miniatures Ox and I ordered came in yesterday, but since we played online we didn’t really get to use them. Much lame. ;-;

Since the online option didn’t seem to work out all that well, I offered to host our next campaign here at the apartment. Everyone seems on board with it, so we’ll see how next Wednesday goes. I’m hoping it will be better.

After D&D, Ox came over since Lil’ Ox had gone back to her mom’s house earlier in the evening. There was mind-melting sexy role play sexy time. When I say this was a level of hawt never yet experienced, I mean it was a level of hawt that had never yet been experienced. Sooooooo insanely good. Hooooooly fuck. I’m still floating on a personal cloud of bliss this morning, and that’s after a six-pound cat decided to wake me up by jumping off the windowsill directly onto one of my ovaries. >.<;

Not how I wanted to start the day, but still not bad enough to fuck with my feelings from last night’s amazingly dirty, depraved, slutty fun time. Not even going to be sorry if language like that causes anyone to blush. Yeah. It was so good I’m not even able to feel embarrassed about it. My stress levels are beyond appreciative.

Today is yet again a dreary, rainy day. At least it’s not snow…? It’s also decently warm rather than freezing. I’m pretty low energy. Most likely because after making two drinks last night during D&D I had total faith in my ability to make a third drink.

My head: I have regrets. Many, many regrets. >.<;

Luckily, I don’t have a lot to do today. I got a message from work last night during D&D asking if I would cover a shift for incentive pay, but it got covered by someone else. Not complaining. I have to get the clothes from the house so I can’t put them away at some point. Not sweating over it.

Really… I wouldn’t mind doing a bunch of nothing. My final meal is cooking at the moment and that’s pretty self-sufficient since all it needs to do is bake for an hour. I’ve written what feels like a massive post… With everything else in my life still mostly stable and quiet I feel like I can actually afford to chill today and enjoy some stillness and peace.

Daily Post 212: The Positives of Yesterday


I’m starting today off by writing. I’ve already sent a message to L since there were tentative plans on meeting today after my counseling. A lot of places were closed yesterday while Ox and I were out, so I think it might be best to postpone further meetings until the world stops losing its mind.

But, let’s jump into yesterday since a lot of stuff happened. All good stuff, too, I’m happy to report.

First off, yesterday was sunny. So the day already started out with better points than previous days despite all of the “what the fuck” things I had on my to-do list to figure out.

My list was a bit more organic yesterday than normal. Instead of mapping out how I envisioned the day going, I added tasks a handful at a time and tackled the small handful before assessing my energy levels and picking the next tasks to add to the list. It worked fairly well.

I canceled the electricity set up which was a pleasant and quick phone call. I messaged my cousin. I called the pharmacy and got my Synthroid figured out. I called and left a message with the apartment complex since no one answered the phone. I cooked the chicken for part of my meal prep. I sent a message to my primary care physician inquiring about a refill for my Zoloft since I don’t feel my life is in a place to try discontinuing it.

I messaged L. I messaged Nicki and got information about jury duty. There’s a letter the company can send on my behalf explaining that they can’t cover my absence for two weeks or longer. I wrote and posted my writing. I showered. I got dressed. I set up appointments with my Endocrinologist and even created a contact for them on my phone.

By that point, Ox was off work. We agreed to meet in town for lunch. He called shortly after I had left Hickman saying most places were closed, so it didn’t seem like lunch would be an option. Lame. He said he would run over to GNC for the energy drinks. We agreed to meet at Office Depot. I had an empty ink cartridge to turn in and between our DnD sheets and my typed notes for Sociology, I needed more page protectors.

I ended up getting 50 heavy weight, super sexy page protectors for $8 due to the credit I’ve built up from returning ink cartridges. Totally not complaining. We basically got them half off.

Irrational Right Brain: Oh, yeah. Look at me and my bad self being a sexy, thrifty bitch. /struts around

Once that was done Ox and I decided to brave Costco to see if we could get the few remaining items on our shopping list. While we were there I got gas for the car.

Costco wasn’t packed which was nice, and they actually had everything I needed. They also had signs encouraging social distancing, so of course I clung to Ox’s arm for nearly the entire time we were there.

Me: I’m social diiiisssstttttaaaaancing. DIIIIISSSSSTTTTAAAAANCING! You know, so you don’t get my GEEEEERRRRRMMMMMS!

Ox: I want more than your germs… >.>

Me: /blushes like a school girl

Was totally not prepared for that response to my bratty, smart-assed comments. XD

Since we were near the new apartment and I had yet to receive a phone call back from them, five hours later, I made the choice to stop in personally.

That ended up being an amazing experience.

So… If Jona nd I wanted a 2nd-floor unit, we would have to wait until the 18th of April to move in. That means we would have to figure out a place for him to stay for roughly a week with his dog. That would be pretty hard to do.

If we went with a 3rd-floor unit, we could move in as soon as April 1st. No matter which option we went with, we would be in the same style of unit, we would still receive the original promotion and rate we had signed up for, and all of April would be prorated for free.

Let me type that again…

Jon and I will be getting two months of rent… FREE. Regardless of when we move in.

Me: Why, yes. I would love to move in on April 1st. Thank you.

So that’s set into motion. April 1st is a Wednesday, so I have it off from work. With the month being prorated the way it is, I have all of the money needed to cover the pet deposit and the security deposit. With having the apartment secured before Jon moves up, we won’t have to worry about getting a hotel room on the 9th. He can just move into his new home. I have roughly two weeks to move most of my crap down two flights of stairs then up another three. With still recovering from surgery, I’m thinking that packing lighter boxes and making more trips would be the better option rather than trying to cram everything into as few trips as possible. I’ll last longer if I do things lighter. Especially on my own since Ox works on my off days.

So yes. Lots of positivity from the Universe.

Oh! And my Synthroid didn’t have a co-pay when I picked it up. Even better. : D

So yesterday turned out to be a pretty awesome day. After I got back to the apartment, I put the new groceries away and proceeded to sleep until 9:30 pm. I woke up, ate, then went back to sleep until about 6:30 this morning. I actually feel rested. I feel mentally able to handle my life since so many areas are more stable than they were yesterday morning.

As I said, I have counseling today, but that’s really the only time-sensitive obligation I have. And once again, I feel sorry for my consulder.

Counselor: So, how have you been?

Me: Well…. so all of THIS happened…

I plan for today to be mostly dedicated to catching back up with school and cleaning the apartment in small doses. That’s the next two days actually. School and cleaning. Maybe starting in on packing the non-essentials since I move in two weeks.

In two weeks I’ll have my own washer and dryer. In two weeks I’ll have a dishwasher that works. In two weeks I’ll have a ceiling fan again. In two weeks I’ll have a balcony door that isn’t finicky and actually closes properly.

In two weeks I officially begin a new chapter. I know it’s been a bit since my surgery and all, but moving is a significant change, an actual marker. Moving into the new apartment will be a start. I haven’t figured out what it will be a start of, but a start none the less. I’m looking forward to it.

Daily Post 211: My Life…


Not proof-read
Also WordPress is being annoying
Sorry for formatting issues

Alright… so let’s delve into all of the shit that’s been happening in my life.

Firstly, I realized that for the past week or so I haven’t been making my to-do lists. That most likely is a contributing factor to the frazzled fire-fighting I feel has been my life recently. Today I am fixing that and it’s already off to a better start than previous days.

Secondly, covid-19. I’m sure everyone is tired of hearing about it. Reading about it. Dealing with it… Since it is impacting my life, sadly I must dedicate time to this topic in order to fully address what has been going on recently for me.

Covid-19 and work:

My company has been sending updates daily to measures, we as staff, need to implement in the care we provide to our patients. I support all of the changes in policy. I also recognize that in larger clinics, these changes are easier to implement. With only ever having two staff members present at our unit, some of these new changes are hard, if not impossible, to do the way the company wants us to do them.

I can’t be on the floor caring for my patients while at the same time, at the lobby door screening every incoming person to see if they have a temperature. Yesterday was a mild disaster of a day at work, and that was while my FA was present to help manage the new changes, post signs, and inform patients of the changes.

I don’t have much faith on Friday being better. I have to be screened before I return to work after my trip to Daytona as a precaution for me not to spread the virus to our patients. This brings me to my next topic…

Covid-19 and Project: Brother Relocation

Due to covid-19 my older brother will no longer be able to fly to Daytona to help Jon move. Not because he doesn’t want to do it. It’s because my sister-in-law is against the idea of my brother traveling and potentially bring the virus back home with him. Jason explained it was a losing battle.

I don’t think it’s fair that my sister-in-law is making him choose between home life and family. I understand her reasoning, but it’s hard to not have strong feelings when she’s keeping my brother from supporting the remaining blood family he has left. Jon and I don’t want his home life to be any more stressful than it is. We understand his choice, but it is another moment where one of us has reached out and asked for help only to be told “no”. This is why we have such a hard time asking for help. We’ve been conditioned from previous experiences that while we are quick to help others, that help is not returned and so it’s better to figure it out yourself than to be at the mercy of others.

The lack of moving help was found out Sunday afternoon. That led to several phone calls on my end to see what I could and could not do in regards to traveling.

I first reached out to Other Tech to see if she would be willing to cover my Monday shift. That would allow me to leave Sunday, giving me more time to help Jon pack as well as get here to Nebraska. She was able and willing as long as our FA approved of the switch.

Cool. I called my FA. We aren’t allowed to change days because several other clinics in our area are experiencing staff shortages. “Unnecessary overtime” would not be approved by the company.

Fuck it. Fine. Since that won’t work, I’ll book a ticket for April 7th, get to Orlando by 1 pm, and we’ll leave as soon as I land for Nebraska. Fuck you, Universe. We’re going to make this happen.

Talked to Jon. Talked to Jerad. Booked a crazy cheap flight; only $100 for what is normally $600. Got a call later from my FA saying, actually, yes, I could switch days with the tech…

Nope. Too, late. Totally not looking into changing anything because I’m sick of things fucking changing. We’re going to stay the course with what we have because it works and we know who’s involved and who is or isn’t doing what.

On the topic of moving… let us jump to yesterday evening where Jon called the apartment complex to confirm that his renter’s insurance was acceptable. It is, so that’s cool.

Jon: So we’ll see you on the 10th to pick up the keys. : )
Assistant: Actually… I have you guys picking up the keys on the 20th…

What the fuck?

So apparently, there was an email sent to both Jon and me saying that the tenants for the unit we were supposed to move into changed their mind and are no longer leaving. Since they are current residents, they get priority on the unit. That’s fine… I get it… But what the fuck? Did you want to call to make sure we got the email that we didn’t get so we could know we didn’t have a unit to move into?

That’s one of the many things on my to-do list to call and figure out today. Originally, Jon was going to call, but I offered to take that off his plate since he has other things he needs to figure out in regards to the move now.

I also found out yesterday evening that I’ve been summoned for jury duty in May… That has since been resolved. I informed my FA earlier this morning about the summons. There’s a paper she can give me since I’m in the healthcare field which will exempt me due to everything that’s currently going on. The clinic can’t cover my absence for two weeks. We’ll see how that pans out, but at the moment it’s looking like a non-issue, which would be nice since I have other shit I need to focus on.

I finally got back in touch with my Endocrinologist. I was on hold for 30 minutes during my lunch break yesterday since they wanted me to call them back in regards to appointments I was trying to schedule. They answered their phone this morning and I was able to get my lab work scheduled with my follow up appointment. They had also sent my Synthroid prescription to the pharmacy I had requested. Nice, since this is the second day in a row of not having my medication.

Luckily, Synthroid is a long-acting medication. Once I get my prescription I can add my missed dosages to the current day’s pill and be fine. It’s not ideal, but also not the end of the world. This hiccup is also happening significantly before my lab draw, so my levels should balance out to stable, meaning my lab work should be an accurate representation of what the meds are doing for me.

I’ve already called the pharmacy. We’re waiting to hear back from my insurance company. The staff at the pharmacy are exceptional. There’s an issue with my insurance approving the prescription, but they’re looking into it and will keep me posted. Apparently, the card number they have doesn’t match my name? The pharmacy sent me a text message asking for pictures of the front and back of my insurance card. They had this issue last time when our PA wrote a prescription for my bronchitis. I’m not worried about it. I appreciate them looking into the issue for me. I hope to hear something back later today.

I had to cancel the electricity set up I had diligently scheduled since we apparently won’t be moving into the apartment we were told we would be. That was an easy phone call. Another thing off the list…

I sent a message to my cousin earlier this morning since I haven’t replied to her original message a week or so ago. I also reached out to L since I didn’t want him to think I was ghosting him. Things have just been so insanely… insane. By the time I get done beating the rest of my life back into order, I don’t have it in me to write and explain what has been going on. Sunday and Monday night I went to bed so early I needed up with 12 hours of sleep and even that was borderline not enough to get me through the day’s troubleshooting.

I’m currently waiting for the apartment office to open so I can call them about our living arrangements. I won’t know what we can or can’t do until that phone call so I’ve been plucking away at other things in the meantime.

I’ve already cooked the chicken for one of my meals this week. That was something I did last night; grocery shopping. I went to the local gas station and got most of the things I needed from there rather than braving the panicky crowds of bigger stores in Lincoln only to find out they are out of stock of what I need.

Fuck that. I’m here. They have what I want/need. I’ll just get it now and be done with it. So I have that going for me.

My Sociology class is currently an online class for the next three weeks. Pretty ok with that since it freed up my morning to handle everything else that needed my attention. I’ve written, which feels nice. There’s still an email I need to send to my Blacksmith. He was another person who reached out to me a few weeks ago. I never replied and so I woke up to another message this morning saying he “guesses I’m avoiding him”.


Irrational Right Brain: Can you back the fuck up, Universe? Jesus.

I did just get a text message from the pharmacy. My prescription is ready for pick up. Woo. See. They really are awesome. I love those guys.

So the game plan for today is to figure out the apartment. Shower. Meet with Ox for food. Do some minor shopping; energy drinks, page protectors… Since I did the grocery already we shouldn’t have to worry about much of that.

Starting laundry would be nice. Plucking away at school stuff would also be nice. My report due date is changed to the 30th; also nice.

I feel like every time I say I want a relaxing day of recovery the Universe says, “Hold my beer.” So I’m not going to say that today. I’m going to enjoy the first sunny day we’ve had in a while. I’m going to keep adding green marks to my to-do list. I’m going to keep focusing on one problem at a time and see what I’m able to get resolved and figured out.

So far has been working well for me, so we’ll stick with it.

Daily Post 210: A Brief Writing


I’m in a better spot mentally than I was last night. The past two days at work haven’t been bad, which is what made my feelings of exhaustion so confusing last night. The RN and I were talking behind the nurse’s desk yesterday after changeover and we both agreed that it felt like we had gotten our asses kicked even though we did extremely well time-wise.

I think the weather plays a role in my overall mood. It’s been cold again. Overcast. It snowed Friday night and into Saturday morning. The roads were awful on the way to work which didn’t make for a great start to the day.

Ox did spend some time with me last night even though he has his kids this weekend. I was grateful for our time together. It helped dissipate some of the tension. I knew a lot of it was most likely from tiredness and that what I really needed was to go to bed. The cuddles and pets helped me let go of a lot of the stress from work, though. It was nice to focus on something other than my obligations and undone tasks.

When I came home last night I had originally thought to write, but after a handful of minutes I realized it wasn’t going to help the way I wanted it to. I, instead, made dinner, ate, then went to bed with the kittens around 7ish.

I vaguely remember Ox calling me since I never sent him a goodnight message. When I spoke to him this morning I asked if we had actually talked last night because I wasn’t sure if I had dreamed it or not.

Ox: I’m pretty sure you fell back asleep before we hung up.

I wouldn’t be surprised if I had with how dreamlike and “unreal” the memory is.

It’s another dreary, overcast, cold day today, but I’m mildly more ok with it. I just got a text message saying the bacon for breakfast is in the oven, so I guess I’m going to go. I’ve reflected on the past month of February, which most likely helps in feeling mentally grounded and present. I’ve fixed my login access for the system my doctor uses to communicate with me, so that’s a major thing already taken care of. I want to do a little bit with the folders we use for D&D and I want to finish up my report for school.

There’s a lot of stuff going on with covid-19, but for now, I don’t want to write about it. I’ve done my catching up for the day. My goal is to be quietly productive before surviving work tomorrow. After that, I have three days where I don’t have to go anywhere since my class is now an online class until further notice.

Here’s to today and recovery and warm cups of coffee.

Daily Post 209: Remembering Truths


It’s been a while since I’ve written. Working last Wednesday sort of threw everything off for the rest of the week. So here I am with about a week’s worth of stuff to catch up on.

I’ve decided to go with duel specking my character with the bard class. I reached out to our DM with a clarifying question.

Me: Quick question for God: If I duel spec as a bard would I have to legit sing?

God: It really depends on the style of music. There’s gonna be some genres I simply won’t allow at the table. But for sure you’re gonna be performing for us in some capacity. Mwahahahahahaha!!! >:3

Me: Excellent >:3

I can’t wait for tonight’s session. It’s going to be great.

That was the majority of Thursday. Figuring out what I wanted to do with my character level and spell wise, remaking my character sheet in a new program Ox found, and figuring out what items I wanted to replace while we were in town.

Class was fine. We started talking about statuses and roles and group dynamics along with classical studies pertaining to an individual’s willingness to conform in group settings.

Friday and Saturday I worked. Neither of those days was awful. I got some studying done during my breaks. Not as much as I would have liked, but some was better than none.

Saturday night Ox and I ended up going out to dinner. We haven’t had a legit date night in a while. And I guess that needs some back story…

We were supposed to run an extra treatment for a patient Saturday afternoon. Friday she had assured me she would be there for her Saturday treatment. I had gotten to work early to ensure we could have her chair ready for her in the afternoon. Even if something happened with another patient, we would be able to get her in since she said she would be there.

I flipped the station for her. I set up the machine and it had just finished testing when the phone to the clinic rang. My RN answered it. Our patient wasn’t coming.

I haven’t been that frustrated and angry in a while. I was so frustrated I was almost in tears.

Me: I need five minutes. I’ll be right back.

I had to leave the floor to regain perspective and my composure.

Irrational Right Brain: I trusted you. I did these things FOR YOU. You said you would be here. I didn’t call and check to see if you were coming because you told me not to worry about it with the craziness of change over. I had to throw those supplies away because you didn’t come when you said you would. I wasted them because I trusted you. I set that machine up FOR YOU. It wasn’t just flipping a station. There was intention behind every action I did to ensure we weren’t behind FOR YOU. And while I understand all of this is my own perspective, at the time it felt like you threw everything I had done, all of my effort and trying, onto the ground and stomped on it.

After I got over the feelings of betrayal the rest of the day was alright. Patients staggered off well enough that there wasn’t a crazy rush at the end of the day. We closed the clinic up. I drove home. Ox gave me a hug.

I was still frustrated. I was still missing mom. He offered for us to go out together for food since there weren’t plans for dinner. I agreed. I changed out of my scrubs into one of his shirts and a pair of shorts. I wanted to drink. It doesn’t happen often, but that’s where I was Saturday night. I wanted to throw all of my responsibilities and caring down onto the ground and say “fuck it” for a few hours of my life, so I did. Ox let me. He drove. He listened to me and he didn’t judge me.

We went to Buffalo Wild Wings. They were busy. I ordered a Long Island Iced Tea. Since I don’t drink often and hadn’t eaten since lunch it didn’t take long for my drink to do its job. I didn’t mind the loudness anymore. Ox and I talked and I didn’t mind talking about the painfulness I felt. I didn’t care about the silent tears running down my face as I talked about mom. I didn’t care what people thought as I got a second drink. Everyone else could fuck themselves if they thought I would feel bad about crying in public.

Once we were done eating, we went out to the parking lot. Ox gave me a cigarette while I continued talking.

Me: I know I sound like an eight-year-old when I say “I want my mom.” But I want my mom. I want her back.

Ox brought me back to the apartment. I came inside and crawled into bed, still hurting but not minding the pain. It’s there for a reason and while it sucks I cherish it.

While I was in bed I began thinking about my inner landscape; the way I view my mind and the different areas I’ve created in it.

There’s my ice cave. The place I spent so much time in while I was growing up and dealing with my parents’ divorce. The place I retreated to when mom died. It’s where I go when there’s nothing I can do about the pain and confusion I feel other than breath. It’s where I wait, still and silent, because the cold makes the pain seem less.

There’s my summer forest full of green and sunlight. My ice cave is at the center of this calm and warm place. There’s a brook, feeding the forest with water. There are birds and a deer with giant antlers; old and wise as he slowly bends down to drink from the brook. He’s my friend and unafraid of being present while I’m there. He lets me watch him living life and being part of the balance.

There’s another area; one I don’t think I’ve ever taken the time to understand. I’ve always been scared of it. I’ve always thought of it as a personal hell. Saturday I took the time to acknowledge it as real.

From now on it will be my Forest of Nightmare. It’s dark here. The darkness of a moonless night. The trees are black and barren. Roots tangle along the ground, gnarled and unseen, waiting to trip me, making my knees and palms bloodied and scraped.

Monsters live here in the nightmare. At least I used to think they were monsters, and I guess that’s what I figured out during my drunken Saturday night.

They’re not really monsters. The concept of monsters is just another perspective that I have control over. These things have always existed. The forest, the creatures living in them, the things the “monsters” represent. They have always been a part of me, a part of life. Sometimes I’m unaware of them until I meet them for the first, terrifying time, but that doesn’t mean they haven’t always been there; always lived, always breathed, waiting for our meeting.

Grief doesn’t have to be a monster. Loneliness doesn’t have to be a monster. Moonless nights in black forests don’t have to be terrifying. It’s my choice to fear these things that have always been a part of who I am. If I want it to change then I need to make different choices.They have just as much of a right to live as anything else. Existing doesn’t make them bad or evil; my perspective does.

So… I’m trying to make different choices and have different perspectives.

Much like in How to Train Your Dragon, where Hiccup finds Toothless. At first, Hiccup thinks Toothless is a vicious killer and something which should be feared. A monster. Over time he comes to understand that’s not what Toothless is. Hiccup is still fearful when he extends his hand out, unsure of what will happen. Toothless pushes his forehead against the outstretched limb, offering friendship, which is really just understanding and acceptance when you boil it down.

So, I’m extending my hand to the monsters I have fought against and run away from. They aren’t monsters. They deserve to exist and to be understood. They deserve to be accepted as they are rather than being feared. This is their home, with me, inside me, and I can either ignore them or take the time to learn to cohabitate with them.

I want to learn to be accepting of myself. I want to learn to not fear my Forest of Nightmare.

That was a pretty heavy psychological endeavor to have Saturday night. As a result, Sunday I spent most of the day sleeping. I woke up and had breakfast at the house. Came back to the apartment and took a nap with the kittens. Woke up and ate. Went back to sleep… No school work like I had been planning. It was sunny outside but also super windy so it was hard to feel like doing anything other than basking in the sunlight. Being away from people was nice. It helped me recover enough for work the next day.

Monday I worked with my FA on the floor. It’s been a while since we’ve worked together. The day itself went smoothly. One of the other techs from our sister clinic came down to learn our machines. She’s super awesome and it was good to spend some time with her.

I went to the house after work. Since it was raid night for Ox we had a cigarette before I came to the apartment. I was supposed to do a bunch of schoolwork but didn’t. Instead, I reread most of my Letters to Mom. That was a sad realization. Through all of my cancer stuff I never once wrote to her. I haven’t told her anything about Jon moving. I didn’t tell her about passing my first semester of nursing school or making the Dean’s List. I haven’t reached out to her in so long…

It gave me more to think about Monday night and so instead of pushing through my mental exhaustion, I opted to sleep instead. If I got a zero on my mid-term exam Tuesday morning I would still pass the class, and since I was showing up to take the test I would make higher than a zero. I know a majority of the content. I don’t have to get 100%. I would be ok with whatever I made because that was the effort I put into my schooling.

Ox came over after raid. We fell asleep together. It was nice and comforting. I woke up Tuesday and had a chill morning before going to class. I feel I did well on my test. The grade still isn’t posted. I’m hoping to get the results later today.

I did errands while I waited to meet with Ox and HiWay Diner. We had an enjoyable lunch before finishing the grocery shopping. I went to the house with him. We had sexy time, though that had a bit of a rough start. I tweaked my back at work Monday morning, so while I desperately wanted the interaction with him, my spine had other ideas.

Me: This is happening, Body. Just fucking enjoy it, damnit.

Body: Oh yeah? Well, take this! And this! And how ’bout this!

Me: I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’ll never do it again! I swear!

Yeah… hard to feel sexy when your spine feels like it’s trying to break itself in half. Ox was kind and understanding and eventually, we found a position that didn’t cause spikes of searing agony to stab at my nervous system. Once we found that it was back to being a mind-melting experience.

That did lead to some heavy conversation afterward, which, again, needs some backstory…

Ox and I have been talking again about finding another female to have some fun with. I’m going to ignore the cries of “Slut!” and “Whore!” because I am fully aware that some/most people won’t agree with my choices, but they’re my choices and this is my life and something between my partner and myself and his opinion is the only opinion that really matters at this point.

I made a few posts on a BDSM site explaining what we were looking for. Through those posts, there was a person who reached out to me. It was a guy, but instead of being the typical, “I know you’re looking for a female, but how about a mmf three-way?” type of message, it was an offer to join his group. It’s centered around sex positivity and is a local group for our area. Since Nebraska can be pretty conservative, it was nice to see something like that existed locally.

I joined the group and sent a message back thanking him for reaching out to me. That’s led to some pretty extensive emailing back and forth. He seems like an interesting person. He at least seems to not mind my novel-length replies and engages in the conversation in equal measure.

We’re both interested in friendship and would like to meet each other in person. Queue emotional roller coaster of Doooooom…

I don’t have friends here in Nebraska. I want friends. Most of my friends tend to be guys. How is Ox going to feel knowing I’ve been talking to a guy on a kink site and now want to meet him in person?

Only one way to find out… Fuuuuuck… my life… >.<;

We had that conversation Sunday night. Ox has some misgivings. We laid down ground rules for what would be ok and no ok as far as meeting. I relayed the information and L (we’ll call him L) and I arranged to meet at a coffee shop across from campus on Thursday after my class.

So that wasn’t as big of a roller coaster as I had been prepared for, but it did lead to additional conversation about additional play partners; specifically about how I still feel it’s unfair for Ox to play with girls while I am not allowed to play with guys, not that I really want to, but it is an imbalance and I don’t do well with imbalances.

I actually got a reply from one chick asking if we were still looking for someone.

My Brain: Totally not done with that roller coaster, btw. K. Thx. Bye. : D

Me: Fuck you, Brain…

So… there was sexy time yesterday. I don’t remember how, but we got back onto the topic of other people. I’m feeling uncomfortable about it, so it’s obvious that something is bothering me but I don’t want to talk about it so I don’t, but Ox knows somethings up, he just doesn’t know what because I won’t talk so he doesn’t know what to do because he doesn’t know what’s going on inside my head…


We ended up talking about it.

I’m still insecure about a lot of things regarding my surgery. My new scar. The fact that a stranger cut me open and took part of me away. The fact that I have to be on medication for the rest of forever to be “normal”. The fact that I’m still recovering and not able to do things at the gym I took for granted. The fact that I’m still dojo-less and even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be able to train as I have in the past.

So, what happens if we find a chick, and for whatever reason, the situation is extremely stimulating for Ox and she’s able to help him finish easier or faster than I am able to? That would mean the issue is really, truly with me right? I’m not doing something right or I’m not enough. It really is me.

What happens if they hit it off and form a friendship where they want to start hanging out, alone because they’re friends? What if she’s prettier than me? What if she doesn’t have cancer? What if she doesn’t have grief because her parents are still alive? What if she catches feelz for Ox and then we have to contend with all of that? What happens if Ox gets the type of dynamic that I’m not allowed to have because “guys are bad”?

Ox and I have only recently been branching out into the BDSM side of things and so while I am enjoying and grateful for it, it’s still new and tentative. I don’t feel secure in it because I don’t understand why the change is there or if it will last, or really what any of it means for him. Is it only bedroom play or is this the real-life dynamic that I’ve wanted that I convinced myself I couldn’t have because believing I couldn’t have it was easier than constantly pining for it?

What’s our relationship goal? Do we even have one? Where are we headed? How are things going to change once Jon and I are roommates? How are things going to be once I go back to nursing school and no longer have a life for eight months?

There’s so much in flux right now. I don’t want to add another person into the mix when so much is still unclear, unsettled, muddled, muddy, nebulous…

Ox: We don’t have to do this. It’s why I’ve left it up to you. If you don’t want it, that’s ok.

Me: But this is something I agreed to before I moved. Won’t you feel betrayed if I don’t do this?

Ox: No. I love you. I’m with you. And I’m here for you.

It was a hard conversation. Admitting to my “not good” feelings was hard. I was worried about rejection and anger, but like so many other times before, I was given love, kindness, and understanding instead.

At the end of the conversation, Ox hugged me and said we were ok. Originally I had plans to cross-stitch at the house on the bed next to him, but with the looming conversation, it felt less ok to do something like that. I should go to the apartment and hide. I should be emo in bed under the covers and leave this unresolved because it’s easier to not confront it than to work through it.

But no. We worked through it. Together. And at the end, I did go inside and cross-stitch, something I haven’t been doing.

That’s something else I’ve noticed. For the past few weeks, all of the self-care I had been doing post-surgery has fallen to the wayside again, and I wonder if that’s not factoring into the general discord I have been feeling. I haven’t colored for weeks. Yesterday was the first time in a while that I’ve stitched. This is the first writing in roughly a week. There are piles on the kitchen table and dishes in the sink… I’m allowing Life to take over again and that’s not ok.

Today is about cleaning up; catching up. I was supposed to go to counseling, but Ox accidentally took my keys with him to work, so I can’t drive anywhere. Instead, I’m going to stay at the apartment today. Writing has helped me reflect. I’m in the process of meal prepping. As my back allows I’ll pluck away at sweeping and moping and going through my piles. Email, phone calls, school notes, condensing to-do lists… all of it.

Today is about getting back on track and tonight will be an awesome night of D&D.

Things will be ok. Things are ok. I’m my mother’s daughter and I’m a warrior. Those are my truths. I think I needed to be reminded of them.