Daily Post 182: Small Steps


It’s been a while since I’ve written. A lot has happened during the lapse in posts.

The kittens are doing well. Saber gained over half a pound by the time we saw the vet again. Switching back to wet food and adding kitten formula to it helped. Both her and Dagger were big enough to get their first round of vaccinations so that process is underway. They have another appointment in two weeks. It’s crazy to see how much they’ve grown since I first got them roughly two months ago.

Yesterday I got an actual litter box for them. At first, they were so small they wouldn’t have been able to get in and out of a normal litter box. I had gotten an aluminum turkey baking tray; one of the disposable ones you can get from Walmart. I cut one of the edges down and wrapped the corners in duct tape. It worked really well as a litter box. The only downside was the kittens would track litter all over the hardwood floors in the bedroom.

The new litter box is a hooded litter box, so even if they go to town trying to find buried treasure in their litter, they can’t make as much of a mess. They seem to be doing well with it. I haven’t seen any messes to clean up in the 24 hours that they’ve had the new box.

So yeah. They’re still super adorable and lovable. They don’t run around as much at 2 am which I’m grateful for.

The spare money I had from my school refund ended up mainly going to new tires on the car. I wasn’t expecting that expense. But when the guy changing my oil came out and told me that my tires sucked and needed to be replaced I didn’t feel like I had many options. Winter is going to be bad this year. It didn’t seem smart to go through another icy, snowy season with shit tires. As logically sound and responsible of a decision it was, I really didn’t want to spend that $500, though. At least I had the money to do it rather than knowing something needed to be done and being unable to afford it.

Because of the unforeseen tire expense, the credit card is still where it was. No massive dent made in that area. Blah…

It’s getting darker earlier and days are already pretty chilly. I’ve been taking vitamin D gummies for about a week now. I haven’t had the AC running. Instead, I’ve been leaving the windows open. I’m hoping that makes rent significantly cheaper for the next few months. Maybe I can use the money I save on electricity to make a little more progress on the card.

I’m still plucking away at the apartment. The things I ordered from Amazon came in. The cubical isn’t exactly what I was hoping it would be, but it works and I don’t mind it. I love my coat rack. A new store opened in Lincoln; At Home. They have an amazing selection of stuff. Ox and I went to check it out last week after having our “date lunch” together before grocery shopping. I actually saw one of my patients there, which led to a really warm and connective conversation during his treatment the next day. I got spatulas last week while Ox and I were at the store since I didn’t have any for the apartment. They are light teal-ish blue and silicon which I love. This week I got a set of three glassware containers for my lunches along with a can opener that matches the spatulas.

I want that to sort of be my reward for doing well with school. Each week I do well I can get one kitchen thing. I feel like that’s a good reward system that also gives capacity and efficiency to my life.

On the subject of the kitchen, not sure if it wrote about it before, but Ox got me a Ninja Foodi a little while ago. I’ve been trying to use it once a week. This week I converted my Chicken Taco Soup recipe into a pressure cooker recipe and it turned out great. The Ninja saved me so much time. I love it.

I also recently got another portable filing box. It’s where I keep all my important paper stuff. My “box of important things”. The one I had was getting really full; mostly with tax stuff since you’re supposed to hold on to them for so many years. When it had been just lonely me, it wasn’t bad. But holding on to Ox’s stuff too and all the information for the three cars… it was making things a bit cramped in the original box. So I got a second one to spread things about a bit more. I feel better about it. I went through all of my papers and threw out what wasn’t needed anymore, rearranged things, updated others. It felt nice to go through and touch all of those papers again, to really know what I have and where it’s at.

Cleaning the apartment should be on my list today but I haven’t really figured out how I want today to go, not yet at least, so that’s up in the air.

School is going well. I think my lowest grade is a 93 or a 91. I met with my nursing advisor this past Tuesday. She’s super nice. We got along really well. She, like my current instructor, used to work in dialysis, so we’re able to share in those experiences. She feels I’m in a good spot. I have a lot of support in my life to help me get through school. She feels I have a high level of self-awareness and that I am already addressing issues or at least aware of what potential issues will be in the future and have mitigated them as much as possible for the time being.

I started going to counseling again. That’s something that is provided by the school. I like my counselor so far. She’s also extremely nice. The first session went really well. I basically explained everything about the past three and a half years. Mom’s death, switching careers, leaving Orlando and living with Ox, getting my own apartment and starting school, work and all of the accomplishments and stress that I’ve had with it. The session yesterday wasn’t as productive as I would have liked. I had a lot of paperwork to fill out so that was roughly half the session. I’m hoping the next session goes a bit better and we can start to focus on my grief and stressors in my life.

On the topic of stressors, I’m through the rough patch with work. I did my four days in a row and then my final three in a row last week. This week I’m doing what will now be my “normal” schedule of Monday, Friday, and Saturday. My FA and I talked pretty extensively about it and eventually, she agreed to try it out. It’s going to take time to recover from the burnout and then more time to adjust to the weirdness of having a consistent schedule. It’s something we talked about in counseling yesterday. It will most likely take me about a month to really find a groove and a routine that works for me.

So far I’m finding that I do better with school work earlier in the day. I like having evenings to myself or to go over to the house and cook dinner for the family. Making flashcards isn’t bad at night, but night time isn’t the best time for doing heavy reading and such.

I made egg roll bowls last night for dinner. It was fairly well-received which is good because I really like that recipe. Super quick and easy and also tasty.

Anywho… yeah… a lot of talking, a lot of studying, and a lot of “just let me get through this last stint of BS.”

Fortunately, I made it through. I’m still doing well in school and, in general, I’m pretty ok with how life is going. I’m taking small steps in several areas to make things better. Since the sun is finally starting to come up, I guess I’ll go for now and figure out what it is I want to get done with the day.


Daily Post 181: Exam 3 Crushed


Today has been pretty crazy productive. I woke up at 6 am with my alarm. I purposefully set it so I could not waste the morning away. It started with coffee and finishing the flashcards for chapter 7; the skeletal system. I had over two hundred flashcards. x.x

I did a bunch of chores; sweeping, dishes, going through my “in” box and messages and such. I’ve been doing better about keeping up with things socially. I talked to the other tech about the work schedule. That was a 40-minute phone call. We talked about a lot of different things, though. One of the downsides of never seeing each other… there’s always a ton of stuff to catch up on.

But yeah, she was/is totally down for doing three days in a row and letting me take every Saturday. Too bad my FA isn’t all that jazzed about the idea. I think I need to talk to her in person and explain how all the things I want to do are during the week. I’m not going to burn out by working every Saturday like what she’s fearful of. I’m going to burnout more by having Saturdays off and missing out on kickboxing and all the things I want to be involved in. I’m not normal and it’s frustrating to be treated as if I am.

So that was sort of a shitty text message to get. It left me with feelings of frustration boarder-lining anger. Overall it was a good morning, though. I messaged Allison again. We’ve been chatting back and forth a bit. I updated her about work and the visit to Orlando to see Jon.

I messaged one of the RN’s to figure out it the schedule had been fixed for this coming Thursday. I wanted to see if someone would take my shift or split it with me. The known issue with the schedule hasn’t been addressed though, so I don’t know who I can talk to about coverage. Hope they get it figured out sooner rather than later. : /

On the bright side… if I do end up having to work all of this shift, I should be around around 3ish, so it’s a slightly shorter day than if I were working a MWF day. Still not wanting to do four days in a row…

I hung my posters finally. It helps make the room feel more like home. I set up some stuff on my “board of memories”, too. I cleaned up some piles of papers that were laying around and I dug out my vaccination forms so I can send them to the clinic I had to go to for school. The RN there said she could put all of that information into my file for me. Glad mom kept all of those ancient papers. It’s humbling to hold pieces of paper in my hand and to think about all of the things they’ve been through; to know that mom touched them, too.

Ox came over around 9ish to do our Darebee workout. I talked to him about the text message from my FA essentially vetoing my idea. He helped me feel better about it and encouraged me to try talking to her. We cuddled with the kittens for a bit. We did our workout. He went back to the house while I did a few more chores. I stopped by the gas station before going over for breakfast to pick up a few things from their mini-mart.

After breakfast, I came back to the apartment. More chores. More studying. I took exam 3. So far I’m sitting at a 93 but I’m pretty sure it will go up to a 96, possibly a 98 if I get partial credit for one of my answers. I should know by tomorrow. Totally labeling this test as crushed, though. And here’s a pun to make it official…

Ox came back over for another round of Darebee. We did two this afternoon so we’re all caught up. We’ve been doing pretty awesome with it and that makes me happy.

Dinner at the house was steaks with broccoli. There was birthday cheesecake after since it was Ornery Ox’s birthday today. When I got back to the apartment I completed all of chapter 8. Since it’s about joints and range of motion it was a fairly short chapter. Chapter 9 will be the muscular system which I’m expecting to be pretty heavy. That’s on the to-do list for tomorrow.

I’ve cleaned up my notebook for the week. I’ve updated and tweaked the sheets a bit more. Still in the process of refining them to be exactly what I want and need. I’m going into week three of using them. Woo. Go me.

Tomorrow is another day off. My last one until Sunday if you count Tuesday as a workday even though it’s school, which I totally do. I have my to-do list all mapped out. Since I’m waking up early to see Ox in the morning I should have a decent amount of time to work through chapter 9 and still do errands in the later AM.

Ox and I plan to do lunch once he’s done with work. I need to get kitten formula for Saber while we’re in town. She’s doing a lot better since we switched her food over to the high calorie cans we got from the vet yesterday. She’s playing and moving around a lot more, even pouncing on Dagger. Super cute. Still worried about her, but she’s not acting like she’s in pain or sick so until she does I guess I have to assume she’s ok.

There’s a few things I want to pick up from Walmart while Ox and I are out. Which reminds me since I’m talking about spending money…

I am not sure if I wrote about it or not, but I got my refund for the student loans with the school. $1500. I used part of it to pay for my ER visit. At least, to pay for the one part of the bill that I’ve gotten. I used $130 of it to buy some things from Amazon for the apartment. 4 shelves, a coat rack/keyring, a cubical organizer to go under my window shelf, and a file organizer with drawers to go on the end table by my desk. It’s going to be amazing when everything comes in. I’ll have my spice shelf above the stove. I’ll have a shelf in the bathroom to keep things tidy and out of the way. My desk will have places for my knickknacks and binders and folders rather than having everything scattered around.

I think what I’m looking forward to the most is the cubical organizer. I’ll have a place to put all of my gadgety things rather than getting frustrated at my lack of counter space.

I’m going to use a little bit of the money tomorrow at Walmart to get a tool bag and a first aid kit. I’ll most likely get a few cases of Bang as well since it’s “buy one get one half off”. I mean… let’s be realistic… if I’m going to be irresponsible and spend money what better things to spend it on than caffeine and organizational stuff?

I’m going to try to get the car in for an oil change as well then the rest of the money will be going to the credit card to get it back to “pre-Orlando” status. Actually, with the rest of the money it should be below pre-Orlando. My brain can’t even. I would be ecstatic if I could get the credit card lower than it’s been since I’ve gotten it.

Yeah. Lots of adulty stuff tomorrow. There’s kickboxing at 4:30, too. I would love to go to that. I’m supposed to cook the beef casserole for dinner. That’s a super easy recipe though, so I’m not worried about it adding a whole lot to my day. Ox said he would take the burger out of the freezer for me tonight so it should be ready to use by dinner time.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow. I want to tackle my list. I want to make it a good day. I want to crush my next test like I did this one. I want to make the Dean’s list. I want to have more good days than hard, emotionally raw days. I think my lists are helping with that. They keep me on track and accountable. They keep things in perspective and even on the days like Friday where I’m sad and hurt, they give me a map to keep me going.

And with that, I guess I’m off to bed since I have an early wake-up call for productivity.

Daily Post 180: A Small Catch-Up


Thursday ended up being a smooth day at work. I was on the floor with my FA. Pretty much all of my tasks were caught up. We’ve agreed to work through some of the supplies in the stock room to free up space. That makes the weird organization-junkie part of my brain happy. I can’t wait to have that space back. /happy dance

We got to talk about how I was doing with school and the work schedule. I said that working three days has been do-able so far, but this coming week I’m working four days and I’m worried about it. I said I would prefer to only do three while I’m in school.

I’m thinking about talking to the other tech and seeing if she would be interested in letting me work on Mondays, Fridays, and Saturdays. Yes. Every Saturday. Last week seemed to work well schedule-wise. I had days off right after class to sit and study and do assignments. I didn’t have to wait so long in between because of work. It would let me do Adventure’s League on Wednesdays without worrying about rushing to get there or having to leave early because of work the next day. Every Thursday I could do the kickboxing class.

There’s a lot of pros to counter the one “always working Saturday” drawback. My FA said to think long and hard about it before offering something like that to the other tech. She said once I give up Saturdays I’m most likely never getting them back.

As sad as it is to say, I don’t remember a whole lot else about Thursday. Ox and I did our Darebee. I took my laundry over and got that going. I ate dinner…

Oh! There was sexy time. Sort of feel like a jerk for forgetting that… -_-;

The main thing I remember about Thursday was the fact that I didn’t have to go back to work on Friday.

I didn’t see Ox Friday morning. It’s the first morning in a while where we haven’t seen each other off to work. I forgot to set my alarm and he was running behind by the time he called and woke me up. When woke back up, I spent pretty much the rest of the morning in a low-grade depression. I was able to get stuff done, but I was tired and sad and everything took more effort than it should have. Everything was borderline painful. I felt emotionally fragile and raw. I knew there would be tears eventually, I just didn’t know when.

Eventually, I drove into town to have lunch with Ox. We put gas in both cars while we were there. He asked how I was doing and I told him that I hurt but that I was still doing things and not letting the hurt win. I said I didn’t know why I felt the way I did but that I was sad and I was trying really hard. We talked about my feelings for a little while.

A lot has happened in a short period of time. I started nursing school. I graduated from DSS. I passed my first nursing test… All of those things poke at my wound and I haven’t been doing a whole lot in the “tending to my grief” department. I think Friday was the first day since my nursing test where I didn’t have obligations spurring me to keep going. I could take the time to let the emotions have their time, to truly feel them, accept them, and let them go.

Ox and I ended up having a pretty awesome lunch at Village Inn. We meal planned out the next week, which is going to suck. I still need to see if someone is interested in taking my C2 shift or splitting it with me. I don’t want to do four in a row. >.<;

After lunch, we went across the parking lot to Super Saver’s to do the grocery shopping then we went home. By then the kids were at the house so I didn’t stay very long. I came back to the apartment to put the food away and to keep studying. Eventually, I went to sleep.

One thing I don’t think I’ve mentioned… Ox got me an iHome for the apartment. Or rather, he found one and brought it home to see if it still worked. It does. I’ve been using it to play thunderstorm sounds while I sleep or the radio while I’m gone so the kittens have something to listen to other than silence. I like it. You can even dim the display so it’s not blindly bright the whole night.

So yeah, Friday was a good day. A connective day even if it was slow and rough to get started.

Today has been decent but also a little rough.

I woke up fairly early and was able to start in on my to-do list. I typed up recipes. I edited the to-do sheets I’ve been using. I really like them. I’m glad I’ve put them back into my routine. One thing I added was a gratitude line.

It’s something I got the idea for in class on Tuesday. We had to do an evaluation of our strengths and weaknesses. Areas I am weak in include hope, gratitude, and perseverance. Ouch… but at the same time… not wrong. …

With my grief, sometimes things do feel hopeless and pointless and sometimes I don’t have much will to persevere. What’s the point in persevering when everything is pointless? And what is there to be hopeful or grateful about when everyone is going to die?

Yeah… some pretty fucked up mentalities right there…

So I’m working on that. From now on, each day I have to write one thing I am grateful for. One thing that I can think about or look at throughout the day to remind me that there are things that I appreciate about my life. Today’s gratitude was for Ox and his love.

Around 7:20 I pulled myself away from my to-do to shower. The kittens has a vet visit at 8 that I needed to be ready for. They were supposed to get their first round of vaccinations today. Lil’ Ox was up bright and early to go with Ox and me. She’s totally enchanted with how tiny the kittens are.

We found out Dagger is actually a boy.

We also found out Saber has lost weight. I explained how for a little bit it didn’t seem like she was eating well so we switched her back to wet food only. The vet said there were sores in her mouth and that she was concerned about feline leukemia and feline aids. She said the test wouldn’t take very long if I was ok with them drawing a blood sample from Saber.

I said ok. They took her from the room and I waited. And waited. And waited. And waited…

Dagger, Lil’ Ox, and Ox were in the room with me but all I could think about was what if the tests came back positive? What if the kindest choice would be to stop Saber’s suffering now? What about Dagger being alone? What about me and my abandonment issues and all of the fear I feel about forming attachments because living things die?

It sucked. Hardcore. It was not how the morning was supposed to go. They were both supposed to be healthy kittens getting their first shots. I wasn’t supposed to be facing the possibility of one of them being terminally ill and losing her before I even really got to establish a bond with her; before she even really had a chance to live.

The test came back negative but they weren’t able to get much blood for the test since Saber is still so small. We’re switching her to a different type of wet food; one higher in calories to try to help her gain weight. It’s a softer wet food to boot. I’ve already noticed her eating even more than she was before, which was an improvement to what she was doing after the first vet visit. I’m also going to be adding kitten formula to her food at the vet’s recommendation.

She’s nearly half a pound behind Dagger in weight. That doesn’t seem like much until you hold both of them in your hands and you feel how fragile and weak she seems in comparison to Dagger. The vet said there’s nothing we can do about the sores in her mouth other than feeding her soft food, which we’re doing. Hopefully, they’re in the process of healing. The vet said it could have been from their mother sort of disowning them and switching to solid food too soon.

At the moment all I can do is keep an eye on her and take her back if I feel like things aren’t getting better. She seems to be doing ok. Still super cuddly. Still purrs and snuggles up with me and Dagger for nap time. Just sort of a shitty start to the morning.

Once we were done with the vet I took the kittens to the house so Papa Ox could spend some time with them. After a little bit, I took them back to the apartment. I plucked away at chores a bit more before going back to the house for breakfast.

I tried baking a keto blueberry cheesecake recipe I found, but it didn’t go well. That was pretty disappointing. Oh well. You win some you lose some. I cross-stitched for a couple of episodes of Black Clover. I came back to the apartment and napped. I got up and studied for my test tomorrow. I ran to the gas station and got a few Bangs since I’m out. Swung by the house to see Ox one last time tonight and to get my sheet from the dryer because oh yeah, I woke up to cat yak in bed this morning. Very not cool…

It was Ornery Ox’s birthday today along with at least two other family members that I know of. They all went to do birthday stuff. I don’t feel bad about not going. I enjoyed my silent time napping and studying. I cooked chicken fajitas in my Ninja. They turned out alright. Not amazing so I most likely will try a different recipe next time, but I’ll be able to get through this week’s lunches without suffering too much.

There’s one more recipe I want to make for the coming week, but I’m most likely going to save it for tomorrow. It’s already getting pretty late and I’m tired again.

Tomorrow should be an alright day. I’m looking forward to breakfast and a cup of coffee and relaxing before taking my test and starting on the next chapter. I’m finding a routine and I think I like it.

Daily Post 178: First Nursing Test


I had my first nursing test today. I made a 92. We started talking about coping and stress and learning styles once the test was done.

It was a good class. Better than some of the previous ones.

I stopped at Walmart to do minor shopping while I was out. I managed to go through the whole day and only had half a cigarette twice with Ox. One compared to the five at work yesterday. The headache I had for most of the afternoon I think comes from withdrawals because of that.

I used the Ninja Foodi to cook a brisket tonight. It turned out amazing. Super tender. I have a few containers of leftovers.

I worked on the assignments for unit 2 when I got home. Ox came over and we did one of the Darebee exercises. I cross-stitched after dinner. I’ve made my to-do list. My lunch is packed.

I hurt and I’m lonely and I miss mom and that’s kind of where I’ve been at all day. I wish Ox and I could sleep together. I miss hearing him breath next to me. I miss knowing that he’s there and I’m not alone. I know I’m not but it feels like it right now and that sucks.

Today’s a low day even though good things happened.

It will get better. I need to give myself time for the hurt to fade away.

“Hello, Grief, my ever-present companion. Won’t you sit with me until the thought of standing isn’t quite so painful? We can talk, you and I. I am sure one day we will eventually figure this out, this moving forward thing, but for now, my body and soul ache and I can go no further tonight. Instead, please sit with me within the landscape of my mind, our shoulders touching, and let me mourn for the things I can no longer have. “

Daily Post 177: Back and Forth


I didn’t write yesterday. Totally broke my writing streak which WordPress we so kind enough to inform me about. I wrote for three days in a row. I know… Mind blown, right? It’s been forever, eons, since I’ve carved out time to write for three consecutive days.

I was a little sad that I didn’t write last night but yesterday was a pretty BS day at work. I was still tired from Friday. Last night wasn’t a very good night to write. It would have been doom and gloom so instead, I kept all of that to myself and eventually went to sleep.

Even Ox said I looked tired yesterday morning, which is saying something since he’s seen me at 3 am for over a year and a half now. He’s seen good and he’s seen rough. I guess yesterday was a “rougher” looking sort of day. The kittens have been waking me up during the night which doesn’t help anything.

Today didn’t seem like it was starting out much better, but luckily it did turn into a decent day; another one where I’m able to write.

After giving up on sleeping in due to the kittens being awake and ready to play, I got up and started plucking away at my to-do list. I hadn’t finished meal planning the night before, so that’s where I started once I had made a cup of coffee. I spent a fair amount of time looking up new recipes to try as well. I got the shopping list figured out. I cleaned out my email inbox. I went through my physical “in box”, too. It’s been forever since I’ve done that and I could tell with how much time it took for me to sift through everything.

Ox called to let me know he was on his way over. He brought me a Cotton Candy Bang. Lifesaver. We talked for a while. I explained how I was feeling and why I thought I was feeling that way. He and I haven’t been able to spend nearly as much time together as what we’ve become accustomed to. Part of that is due to me having the apartment and the kittens and staying over here more. Part of it is having the kids for the past four weekends in a row. There’s the two months previous where I worked a billion hours…

It just seems like we don’t get much “us” time right now and that chips away at my feeling of connectedness. I also felt like there was this crush of things to do. I only have today before going back to work. Only today to plan and prep and do errands all while trying to make time for school and my tests and assignments.

You know… it would be nice to feel like I have a bit of time for myself, too…

Ox and I ended up spending most of the day together. He was supportive of me and asked every so often how I was doing. He encouraged me when I voiced that I was getting tired. “We’re almost done.” “Only one more stop, then no more people for the rest of the day. 🙂 “

It started with both of us sitting and doing our Darebee workout. Yep. Sitting. Today we did reps of flutter kicks. Nothing crazy intense and I think we were both ok with that.

Ox went back to the house while I finished up some chores at the apartment. I showered, gathered up my stuff, and went to the house to have breakfast with the family. After eating, Ox and I went into town. We tried to find a keto-specific cookbook for the Ninja at Barns and Noble but they didn’t have it. I might have to bite the bullet and order it from Amazon without skimming through it. There was a book for the InstantPot which I might go back and get. There were some nifty recipes in it.

We got gas for the car since I’ll be driving back and forth to Beatrice a lot this week. We poked around a few groceries stores, price checking brisket since that’s the recipe I’m going to be trying out on Tuesday. Eventually, we made our way to Walmart to finish up the shopping and then headed home. I was ready to be done being out. I still had what felt like a mildly overwhelming list of things to do; most important being my school assignments.

We went back to the apartment first to finish up chores and to unload the apartment specific items. I set some chicken to marinate so later I could cook my lunches for the week. Ox and I spent some time with the kittens then headed over to the house. I picked up some things from there, including my flashcards for chapter 4 and 5 then came back to the apartment… lots of back and forth today… Glad the apartment and house are only a few blocks apart.

I studied for a bit then took my second test. I’m waiting for the essay question to be graded. At the moment I’m sitting at a 90 for this test. I’m hoping it gets bumped up a little higher. I replied to the discussion post for my other class as well, so all of those assignments are now complete. I cooked some salmon burgers to have as additional meals/snacks for the week then headed over to the house once again, taking my marinated chicken with me.

Tonight I tried cooking a beef stir fry using a seasoning packet from McCormick along with using new noodles I found. Zero Pasta. They’re interesting. I think we’re going to try using them again this weekend for spaghetti. We have the kids again and that’s one of the go-to meals since we know Lil’ Ox will eat it. Sort of sucks for the rest of us though since we’re all on the low carb train. I’m hoping these noodles help with that issue.

The stir fry itself wasn’t bad but both Ox and I agree that it was pretty bland. It was worth trying out but I think I’ll stick to my own stir fry mix. Before starting on dinner for the family, I preheated the oven so my chicken could cook at the same time. Hooray multitasking. I also made a batch of guacamole to go with my burgers since the blender is at the house rather than the apartment. That’s one of the downsides to living in two places; what you need is always at the other place. XD

I cleaned up the kitchen a bit. Ran the dishwasher. Put away the leftover then made the decision to stay and stitch for a bit. That was probably one of the best parts of my day. Sitting on the bed with Ox next to me, playing his video game with both of us listening to Black Clover. It’s a super simple thing, but it was so… nice. Quiet. Unrushed.

I’m almost done with the cross stitch I’m working on. That’s another thing that’s been nice; eking out time more often than not to work on it. Even if I only get 30ish minutes in, at least I made a little bit of progress. I took a little bit of time to do something for me, next to Ox, away from textbooks and work and chores and obligations.

This is the first full week of using my new to-do list system. I’m still tweaking it a little, but overall I’m pleased with it. I suppose I can get into that later. For now, I’m going to go. It’s getting late and I have work in the morning.

Daily Post 176: Survived the Day


It’s later than I would like, mostly because I’ve been messing around on my phone. I’ll get to that, though.

Today started sort of rough. I woke up in the middle of a REM cycle. Never fun. I was dreaming this morning. I was dreaming about my cousin who I haven’t seen since mom died. In the dream, my uncle was being mean to her. We were at my grandfather’s house. He had already died and we, the family, were there to figure out what to do with all of his things. I remember looking at a knife collection but my uncle was getting upset because he didn’t want us messing with any of the objects in the house.

Eventually, I got tired of my uncle’s attitude and I confronted him.

That’s when I woke up to my alarm for work.

It’s an odd dream. I’ve never had a bad relationship with my uncle. My grandfather never had a knife collection. I haven’t had much time to reflect on it.

Since I was in the middle of dreaming, I woke up tired and was never really able to shake that feeling. I made it through my day at Cap City. I smoked more than I have since I went to the ER. Much lame. Tomorrow will be better in that regard.

I was able to leave work 30 minutes earlier than I thought I would. Woo. I went to the home improvement store to get another bracket for my window shelf. Ox mentioned that it was sagging a touch in the middle so it seemed like a good idea to pick one up. I had to drive past the store to go home anyway. Might as well stop while I’m out. I ran in and spent a bit of time gathering up supplies that I wanted for my “coat rack” pot/pan hanger then headed to the apartment.

Ox was here waiting for me. He put up the third bracket for the shelf while I paid bills and researched a few things. I got $500 out of my $800 discount for health insurance. It would be cool if I could get the other $300. That’s been part of tonight being a late-ish night… I was looking into all of the options I have for that.

Ox and I did our Darebee challenge. Go, team! We already discussed tomorrow’s challenge. Since it’s Ox’s birthday, he gets the kids. He said we can still do the challenge but it will have to be later in the evening after the kids have gone back to their mom. I’m ok with that. I’m grateful he’s willing to do it at all.

Ox and I spent a bunch of time in the bedroom with the kittens, too. While we were there he quizzed me with my flashcards. By then it was around 7 pm.

I’ve been looking at the App Store for a good yoga app. I think I found one I’m going to try. While I was poking around, I found a rainstorm app that I’m going to try out tonight, too.

I didn’t cook the stir fry like I wanted to. I was pretty dead after work. I heated up leftovers not too long ago. I’ve been trying to catch up on my water intake, too.

Tomorrow I work at my clinic. Finally. I haven’t been there since Monday. The schedule for the last two weeks of September came out, but there are already several changes that are going to be made to it so… yeah… I doubt what I have is going to be what I actually end up working. It’s frustrating. I wish I had a consistent schedule. : /

But, yeah… not a whole lot to write about since not a whole lot happened. Got to spend some alone time with Ox which is always nice. Got some stuff taken care of. Sort of not looking forward to work but that’s because I’m still tired from this morning.

I guess I should go for now so I can get to sleep.

Daily Post 173: Post Emotions and Kittens


This isn’t a letter to mom. This is me writing so some of those swirling emotions inside me can potentially find a way out. I should have known today would go like this. It’s the first day in a while where I’ve had the chance to slow down and breath and because of that, all the emotions are welling up to the surface. I’m surprised it took until now to get to where I’m at. Silent tears running down my cheeks as I sit in front of the computer thinking about the mountain of everything that’s happened in the past few months.

Like normal, I don’t even know where to start.

I suppose I can start with the cutest thing first. I adopted two farm kittens this past Monday. My boss knew someone who wasn’t able to keep them and needed to find a home for them. So they now have a home with me. They’re sisters and they get to stay together. I don’t care that my lease says I can’t have them. I’ve seen the guy across from me come out to his balcony and his cat follows him out. Two wrongs don’t make a right. I accept whatever consequences there may be, including being evicted. They’re worth it.

They had their first vet appointment this morning. They were given a dewormer since mama cat was an outdoor cat and they spent their first six weeks outside eating who knows what bugs they were playing with. The vet said they sound fine and that there aren’t any signs of health issues so far. From the behavior I described to him he says there’s currently nothing to worry about. They go back in two weeks for their first vaccinations.

Their names are Saber and Dagger. Saber is the greyish one, and Dagger is the brownish tiger one. They’re my snuggle buddies. They both love curling up with me in bed. Saber is more reserved than Dagger. Dagger’s going to be the hellion of the house. I can already see it.

Thursday was my last day for DSS Leadership. I had to do my About Me slide. I know when I do it in the future it will be much different. It will have pictures of the kittens on there. It will have my DSS Leadership group picture on there. It will have a lot of different things there because I’ll be further in my journey.

This time it had a lot about mom in it. I talked about how it wasn’t until her death that I felt like an adult and how sometimes life throws you a curveball that you could never be prepared for. I talked about how I went to therapy because I wasn’t equipped to handle everything in my life on my own.

It was pretty emotional. I told my classmates at the beginning of my presentation that life is a lot like a heartbeat. You have ups and downs and that my story was going to have a really low down but there were positives on the other side of it so I needed them to stay with me through the hard parts.

My FA gave me a hand made give with my personal credo on it. “Show up to battle and fight for what you believe in.” I’m going to hang it on my front door so I see it every time I leave the apartment; my reminder to be the type of person I want to be. I had tears in my eyes as she gave it to me.

She also told me that I was chosen to write an article for the October edition of the Tech Talk news letter. It’s the letter that gets sent to literally every PCT in the company, and FA, and who knows who else. Literally, thousands of people are going to get this email with my article in it. It’s an “About Me” article since I guess someone somewhere feels like I should share my store. It’s humbling and intimidating and I’ve already written my rough draft and I’m emotionally exhausted from everything. Work, DSS, writing, studying for school because that’s going on at the same time…

I feel honored for the opportunity to write about my experience so far. I get to say thank you to everyone in my Orlando clinic. I get to include them in my journy and show how the company really is more of a village, a community, rather than a company. At least it can be if you let it.

School is going well so far. I feel fairly on top of my assignments. I finished the flashcards for chapter three in my Human Structure class. I want to take the test tomorrow, but with how little I’ve studied in comparison to what I wanted to do… I’m not sure.

Being sad and tired is factoring into not studying as effectively as I normally would.

I have the shopping list written out, but the thought of actually going to the store right now is draining. Who knows. Maybe I’ll feel up to doing it later tonight once it’s dark and hardly anyone is out and about.

Jon survived the hurricane. Thankfully it downgraded pretty severally before reaching Florida. He was on call at the hospital which got him a ton of overtime. Glad it was fairly uneventful for him.

The next few weeks at work are going to be pretty chill. I only work three days each week. THREE! And only one of those days is going to be at Cap City. I can totally handle that. I want to try to add structure back into my life. I want to figure out a class at the gym do each day I’m not working. I want to do the Adventure’s League at Hobby Town with Ox.

I want to figure out how to have a life again. I think that starts with building a routine. I think I want to go through and to the 30-day challenge again. I think that could help give me structure and focus and help me identify goals and milestones.

Oh. I did my yearly physical for my insurance. I’m .1 freaking point away from an extra $400 off my yearly premium. ONE TENTH OF A POINT! >.<; OMG

That’s so much better than what it first was three-ish years ago. It’s awesome to see that even though I feel like I haven’t made progress since last October, that I still sort of have. If I can get back on the bandwagon of going to the gym along with continuing to eat healthily I should be ridiculously phenomenal next year.

So… yeah… my numbers aren’t where I was hoping they would be at, but they’re still pretty good. Definitely healthier than where I started.

Ox and I had a small talk the other night. I asked him if he could try not smoking in front of me. I’ve been doing really well with not smoking. Not 100% awesome since I’ve had a few drags here and there. I had a whole one with New RN Friday when we worked together. But compared to the over half a pack I was doing a short two weeks ago… I feel like I’m doing pretty freaking awesome.

It’s hard to not want to smoke with the other girls in my LPN class. God, that sounds so much like a high school thing to say, but there you go. We’re all just kids with more expensive toys.

I want to be part of the group. I want to belong and to be part of “them”. But I don’t want to smoke, so if I go and hang out with them while they’re smoking then I’m going to make things awkward. I’ll also want to smoke and that will sort of ruin the whole retiring thing. And yes, I’m going to refer to it as retiring. It was super cute. One of my DSS classmates told me to say retire instead of quit since quitting normally a bad thing.

I can’t lie, saying that I’ve retired sounds way more dignified. XD

Anywho, I’m sort of struggling on Tuesdays more because I want to have a feeling of belonging rather than because I want a cigarette. When I’m with Ox and we’re outside and his smoking it’s sort of hard, too. When we’re out grocery shopping and he has one before getting in the car… It’s hard to not feel denied. I want one, but I can’t have one, but I have to watch while someone else gets to have the thing I want and they shouldn’t share with me because we both know I really don’t want it but I do…

He said he would do his best to be better about not smoking in front of me. I’m grateful for his effort. I don’t mean to be annoying about it.

Surprisingly I don’t really know what else to type about. I sort of want to go to the store now. I feel like I have a bit of energy. I could get the shelves I want for the apartment and keep plucking away at making this feel like my little dragon den.

I guess we’ll see how the rest of the night plays out.