006: The Yoga Class That Almost Killed Me

It has been a busy week. 

I didn’t sleep well Monday night… so the gym didn’t happen Tuesday morning… booooo… :E

Work was decent. Ended up going to the gym after work, so that part of my to-do list got salvaged. Yaaaaay! : D

One of Ox’s ex’s came over unannounced Tuesday night, so that was… interesting. It seems like she is doing well. She wanted to pay me back part of the money she owes me. It wasn’t a bad visit, but the unscheduled social interaction threw Ox and me for a bit of a loop, especially from someone we didn’t expect to see… well… ever, I guess. 

Tuesday night I didn’t sleep well again. And by not well, I mean I didn’t sleep at all. It hardcore sucked. Work was decent enough. While I was on my lunch break Ox convinced me to call my endocrinologist to see if my appointment could happen earlier. 

I’ve known for a while that my dosage of Synthroid is on the high side. Having trouble sleeping is one thing… Not being able to sleep even though you’ve taken a double dose of melatonin is starting to toe the “not ok” line. I have slight tremors in my legs and arms if I stay still for too long. I feel like I’m hungry more often than what is normal for me. I haven’t been having heart palpitations, so I have that going for me. It also shouldn’t take that level of symptom for me to reach out to my doctor when I’m constantly trembling for no reason. 

The receptionist was able to advance my appointment, so I have my lab draw this coming Friday morning, and then the following Tuesday I’ll meet with my doctor to see how my medication should be adjusted. It will still be roughly three weeks before any changes begin to take effect, but at least it’s only roughly a month more of restless/sleepless nights rather than two months.

Wednesday nights are DnD nights for Ox and me. We recently found a couple other people to meet up with near my work and nerd out for a few hours. Ox was worried about me staying out late instead of coming home and trying to go to bed early. I was worried about it too, but it had been two weeks already since our last game session and I had been looking forward to the evening. It ended up being a good night despite my sleeplessness. 

Once the session was over Ox and I came home and pretty much went straight to bed. 

Luckily I was able to sleep really well. Who knew that exhaustion helps you sleep? 

I woke up on my own, a little bit before my alarm. It was early enough that I could make it to the gym for a bike ride. So I did. Fed the cats, ate some breakfast, then headed to the gym. I biked 10 miles in roughly 25 minutes. Not a personal record, but that’s not what I’m going for at the moment. I’m trying to get back to consistency and having cardio endurance rather than crushing it like a bawce. That will come with time. 

After my ride, I stretched, then showered. Got ready for work, then headed in. It was another decent day. Nothing really special or crazy. 

Friday I didn’t wake up early enough for the gym, but I packed my gym bag and took it with me on the off chance that I had it in me to go after work. 

I was able to finish up the project I was working on, as well as make the changes for a checkset I got back. A lot of the feedback fell into the “personal preference” category of corrections. They were the kind of correction where my boss would want me to “defend my work”. 

And I guess this is where things get kind of weird with not actually naming people. My actual supervisor isn’t at my work location. He’s at the company headquarters. I’m an hour and a half away in our off-shoot office. My trainer is also not at my location. So when I have a question it’s easier to ask my location supervisor for advice. 

So for names, I guess we can have Mr. Boss (my official boss), Ms. Trainer (my trainer), and Mr. Not-My-Boss (my future supervisor once I’m out of my apprenticeship). 

So… since I was pretty sure I had corrections that didn’t need to be made, I popped into Mr. Not-My-Boss’ office to talk to him about it. He advised how he would send an email and verified that yeah, the stuff I was concerned with was actually fine and didn’t need to change. 

With all of my work done until next Wednesday (yeah… I’m that far ahead on my projects), I was able to work on a special project that I have from Mr. Boss. The plant has a lot of scrap steel and they are looking for different things to use it for. One idea they are kicking around is making fire pits. So I’m currently working on different designs for how our sheets of scrap could be folded and pressed to make fire pits. 

It’s been fun. I’m using origami for a lot of my inspiration. I’m curious to see if all the different origami animals and such could possibly be garden decorations or something. It’s going to be part of what I submit. Not that any of this is actually going to go anywhere. It’s just R&D right now, but it’s fun. I have to not only figure out the dimensions and bends and degrees and cuts and all of that, but I also have to create the plans that the plant will use to create my designs. 

So we’ll see where that goes. I’m hoping to remain ahead on my projects so I can work on this special one during normal office time, rather than coming in on the weekend or staying late to do it. Mr. Boss and I have talked about my time regarding this project. He doesn’t want me working on it off the clock at home. And he knows for the past weeks, it has been hard for me to work on it during normal hours because I’ve had so many actual work projects on my schedule. He’s ok with ~5 hours of overtime each week, and while I would like the overtime, I would also like to be home. It would be ideal to keep ahead on my normal work so I can have a few spare hours each week to devote to my R&D assignment.

We’ll see what happens schedule-wise throughout the week.

So yeah, Friday at work was a pretty chill and fun day making origami boxes out of paper and then recreating/modifying the designs for steel production. 

After work, I stopped at a gas station to fill up, get energy drinks, and smoke since that’s still a thing I do. 

I went to the gym for another bike ride. It went well. I’ve gone through a lot of my music to make a biking playlist instead of skipping around while I’m in the middle of a ride to try to find something I want to listen to. 

I swung my Costco afterward to pick up some of their St. Luis ribs. I haven’t had them in a while and I know Papa Ox likes them, so I thought it would be a nice treat over the weekend. 

I finally made it home and proceed to annihilate my to-do list. 

Ox and I made plans for Saturday and eventually, after doing a bunch of other stuff, I went to bed. 

I slept decently. Woke up around midnight for a little bit, but was able to fall back asleep until around 6:45. The cats knew I was awake so they began their cries of “MOM! WE’RE STARVING! FEED US!”

I decided it was better to go ahead and get up rather than pretending I couldn’t hear them. It would have only caused them to sit on my chest and yell at my face anyway. Besides, I had plans to go to yoga at 8:45. Might as well get up early and get a few extra things done before heading out. 

I fed the cats, had half a bagel for breakfast. Even made a cup of coffee to go with it. I was outside sipping on said warm, comforting cup of coffee while I had my morning cigarette when Ox joined me. 

We had planned out our day the previous night. If I was able to sleep well, I would go to the gym for the yoga class. It would be a nice relaxing class, and once it was over I would come home all refreshed and awesome feeling. It was going to be great. Everything was going according to the list. Sleep well. Check. Wake up on time. Check. Go to the gym. On it!

Made it to the gym. Got inside. Found the studio. Rolled out my matt. Totally looking forward to my first yoga class in forever. I couldn’t wait to stretch my hamstrings out after biking so much.

Well… wouldn’t you know that Saturday classes are the M3, power yoga classes…

Fuck… my life… >.<;

My legs were already goo from biking 30 miles this week. But I was already there so it’s not like I could have left. I mean… yeah… I could have… admitted defeat in front of the whole room of strangers I had never seen before… but I wasn’t going to because my sense of pride is stronger than my sense of survival. 

I did alright for most of the class. But then we got to the third and final flow. That one was focused on balance poses. ;-;

Why, Universe? Why do you hate me so?

Needless to say, walking down the stairs from the studio was sucked. Walking to the car sucked. Standing sucked… My legs were so shot after that class. 

I managed to walk, not crawl, into the house. Regardless of if the rest of the day was salvageable or not, it was a success simply because I walked over the threshold of the house rather than sobbing at the first step up the porch.

Papa and Mama Ox were in the living room and I ended up talking to them for a bit. Told them the “funny” story about “relaxing” yoga kicking my ass. Sunday is for sure a rest day after today… 

Once I was able to wiggle my way out of the conversation I showered and the rest of the day got back on track. My trial contacts had come in early in the week, but I was never able to make it out of work in time to pick them up. Since the office has short hours on the weekend, Ox and I swung by there first. They were able to look at the delivery date for my glasses as well. Their system says they shipped today so I should be getting them at some point this coming week. That will be nice. 

With “pick up contacts” off the list, Ox and I headed out for lunch. We had agreed beforehand to go to Chili’s since it takes for-fucking-ever (a legitimate measurement of time, btw) to decide on a place to eat. 

Lunch was super good. I had a cup of chicken enchilada soup with the cajun pasta. Ox tried the soup and enjoyed it, too, so I’ve already found a recipe to try making something similar at home. 

After lunch, we went back to Costco. During meal planning, we decided to do the garlic butter steak recipe I have. Well… I totally didn’t think to check out the meat selection at Costco while I was there Friday evening because why would I think to be efficient like that? >.<;

Walmart never seems to have a good selection, so we figured it couldn’t hurt to look at Costco. It ended up being a successful trip. With that completed we headed to Walmart for the remainder of the grocery shopping. 

We’re trying a bourbon chicken recipe tonight, so we had to buy bourbon. I’m hoping it turns out well. Other than that it wasn’t a super exciting trip. I wasn’t feeling as tired and sore after eating which was nice. Maybe part of my tiredness was the fact that I only had half a bagel before demanding my body do strenuous things… -_-;

I’m glad my overall energy level picked up after lunch. I was worried all of the extra walking was going to be too much, but it wasn’t. Hooray!

With the shopping done, we came home. I prepped some of the veggies and meat, so that’s less to do during the week. I baked the chicken that’s going to be used for dinner tonight. I cleaned up all of the mess I made so the kitchen would be ready for later. 

By that time, I was feeling the tiredness in my body again, but this time it was as pain. I ended up lying down for about an hour. I don’t think I really slept as much as I simply rested. It was a nice break and I think a needed one. 

Once I got back up, I tried out my new contacts. They feel thinner than my previous ones, which I didn’t even know was a thing until I put the new ones in. I’ve been wearing them for about two hours, so it’s not a whole lot of time to go off of. So far I like them. I get a few more days to try them out before I have to make a decision to buy. 

I typed up the changes to my work notes from the previous week. Ox and I folded clothes, which that’s something I forgot about. This morning before I left for yoga I went through my clothes so I could pack winter stuff away. I pulled out some things that I want to donate rather than keep as well as a few things I want to take to my storage unit. Sorry for the tangent. Writing about folding clothes triggered that memory. 

I’ve already done my evening chores like cleaning the litter box and other mundane, boring stuff like that. And now I’m pretty much done with writing so I’ll be able to scratch that off my list, too. 

It’s been a super busy day, but it’s been a good day, and despite my restless/sleepless nights, it was a good week. 

There’s not as much going on tomorrow so hopefully I’ll eek out some time to type and it won’t be an entire week’s worth of catching up. But for now, I’m going to go since I’m hungry and dinner won’t cook itself. ;-;

Daily Post 220: Being Done

Hey Chromebook,

I’m getting used to talking to you. I’m starting to enjoy it. I’m starting to find my new normal here at the apartment; my morning routine and flow. It’s a nice feeling.

Things are better and yet slightly worse at the same time.

The better…

I went to the gym again and had another pretty awesome workout. That was at 5am yesterday. I came back home afterward and rested for a couple of hours with the kittens before getting up and taking care of stuff. I went out and bought a bookcase from Walmart; the same one I have bought four times now. Maybe this time I’ll be able to hold onto it for a while and not have to donate it or get rid of it because of moving. I also bought my first phone card for StraightTalk. I still have to add it to my phone, but I have a few more days to get that done.

I went to GNC and bought more energy drinks for the week. They had the flavor I wanted so it’s been nice this morning, sipping on the flavor I’ve wanted for a while. I went to Verizon to try to take care of my last phone payment, but they’re still sort of shutdown with covid. You have to wait outside to be helped, so I opted not to do that yesterday. I also went to Michael’s to see about getting some new fabric, but they literally had no fabric which I thought was weird for a craft store.

Since that was a bust I went to PetSmart to get cat litter and a small bag of cat food. The kittens are almost a year old. They’ll no longer need to eat kitten food and the 16 pound bag I bought a while ago is almost out. I wanted to get something new for them to try since finding a flavor they’ll both like might be a bit of a task. With how they were sniffing and chewing on the bag when I brought it into the room, I think I made a good choice.

I went ahead and got gas for my car, so that task is taken care of. I then came back to the apartment and made three trips up the stairs to get everything into the apartment. That’s after already working out. I totally let myself feel like a bawce for getting everything inside on my own and not waiting for Ox to get off work.

I assembled the bookcase. Ox came over as I was finishing it up. He anchored it to the wall and we began putting my things away. He took apart my computer desk. We moved the entertainment system and my TV and Playstation into my room. I also got the replacement bed set up; that was Monday night. My room got painted Sunday, so everything in my personal space is coming together nicely. I like it so far. I still have some things to do; going through this, finding a home for that… but for the most part, it’s ok enough for me to feel good about being in here. I like it.

The not so good stuff…

Jon and I fought Monday night. Sunday he cooked dinner and asked me to do the dishes. I loaded the dishwasher, taking out some of my pots that he had put in it. I want my pots hand-washed and I told him that shortly after he moved up here. He didn’t have to wash them if he didn’t want to. He could leave them for me to do since I know I’m kind of being weird about how I want my stuff taken care of, but please don’t put them in the dishwasher.

I didn’t say anything to him Sunday night. I took my pots out of the dishwasher and put them back in the sink. I took care of all of the other things, set the dishwasher to run, then went to bed since it was 8 and I had to be awake at 2. Already past my bedtime. I could finish washing the bigger things tomorrow when I got home.

When I did get home, Jon was in a mood. I couldn’t tell what was wrong. He helped carry the box that my bed was in upstairs. He said we needed to talk. When I asked what we needed to talk about he said he didn’t know how to talk to me. That left me feeling defeated and I hadn’t been home five minutes yet. I figured it had to do with the dishes. How dare I don’t be perfect and have everything completely done.

Jon showered, leaving me to stew in my own head for a while. We ended up sitting on the balcony.

He said that coming home and seeing dishes in the sink made him feel like he didn’t matter. Three pots and some minor dishes that couldn’t fit in the dishwasher made him feel like I didn’t care.

I asked if he noticed that I had done anything at all? Did he not notice that I ran the dishwasher? That I had loaded it and that I had told him he didn’t need to worry about my pots since I want them to be hand washed if they’re used? He said he hadn’t inspected the sink before he went to bed, only that he had gone to sleep with dishes in the sink and woke up to the same situation.

It made me feel like nothing I do or did mattered. It wasn’t perfect so it wasn’t good enough.

When I asked if being here was better than Florida he said, no, it’s not.

That hurt. A lot. We kept fighting, neither of us listening to the other person anymore. My effort wasn’t good enough. Taking his dog out for him didn’t matter. Paying for all of the groceries didn’t mean I cared. Letting him use the paint and supplies I had bought didn’t mean anything…

It sucked. I sucked and was just as bad as his previous roommate even though I’ve been doing all of these things to prove that I’m not her.

The argument was a bit of a breaking point for me. If nothing I do proves anything, then fuck it. I moved all of my things out of the living room and into my room. I like it more this way. I, personally, feel more secure. I am surrounded by my things. Things I have spent money on or gifts I have kept over the years. These things matter to me enough to have them and I want to be near them and now I am.

Jon and I didn’t talk yesterday. We work together today for 8 hours. I’m concerned about it being a shitty work environment. Shortly after I woke up I sent Jon some messages.

Me: Are we ok enough to work together?

I still intend to take Queeni out before coming in. If you want the computer chair and the floor mat you can have them. I’m no longer going to have a computer desk in my room. If you don’t want them I’ll take care of them tomorrow so they’re no longer in the living space.

I was thinking of getting a small trash can / trash bag that sits on the cabinet doors like the towel racks so it’s easier to throw small things away while we’re cooking and cleaning in the kitchen. Would you be opposed to trying something like that?

We can still get the paint tonight if you’re still interested in having your room painted.

I don’t think it was fair for you to say being here isn’t better than Florida. If that’s your honest opinion there’s not much I can do to change that other than continue trying my best. I’m not Casandra. I’m me and I love you. I’m also human just like you are. Neither of us are perfect and nothing in life is ever going to be perfect, including the sink and dishes. That doesn’t mean either of us are invalid or that we don’t matter to each other.

I haven’t gotten a reply from him yet. I don’t think I will. I’ve made my peace though.

If three pots make him feel like I don’t care or love him, that’s his own internal issue that I can’t help or solve or fix. Every time I try to do something he lets his inner voice tear it down.

My goal is no longer to try to make him feel like he matters, which may sound harsh when read at face value to taken out of context. No one can “make” you feel something. I don’t “make” him feel valued or unvalued. He does. I will continue trying my best to do the things I say I’m going to do, but the purpose of that is to remain honest, dependable, and truthful, not to make him happy or feel loved.

Only he can allow himself to feel or not feel those things, and I have no control over that, just like he has no control over me allowing myself to feel like a failure and an awful sister because his opinion is that the living situation here is as bad or worse than where he was.

I am not a failure. I am not an awful sister and I’m not going to give him the power to make me feel that way.

So that’s where I’m at today. I’ve done a lot of things in regard to self-care and reflection. I’m done trying to make people feel a certain way because it’s a pointless, futile endeavor. Instead, I will continue to do the things I feel align with my core values and priorities and not hold myself accountable or responsible for how other people choose to react or not react to those actions.

I feel ok today. I feel like I’m closer to myself than I have been in a while. I’m hoping today at work doesn’t suck, and if it does, hopefully, I can have enough space tomorrow to let it go. I have another session at the gym at 5am on Thursday. I’m looking forward to it. It’s a good feeling. Prioritizing myself feels good.

I feel Jon has a lot of work to do internally. He has issues with self-worth and that’s not something someone else can fix or help with. That’s his mentality, and so I’m done trying to do something I can’t do. All I can do is be me so that’s what I’m going to do.

Daily Post 219: A Different Kind of Day

Hey Chromebook,

Today is a much different day than yesterday. It’s weird how one thing can change so much.

I did eventually start working on stuff. It helped that Ox came over. It seems easier to do things when he’s here. I showered and started laundry. I took care of the dishes. We had a cigerette before leaving to do grocery shopping. While we were standing around, I cleaned out my car.

We started at Costco where Ox renewed his membership with Mama Ox. I signed up for my own membership with Jon, so grocery shopping doesn’t hinge on Ox being there. We went to Super Saver for the small things on the shopping list and Walgreens for the Starburst water packets. Those things are amazing, btw.

We came back to the apartment and got the walls ready for painting. I don’t think I’m going to be able to do it today. Maybe Sunday but I guess that really depends on how the next two days at work go.

I figured out what I want to do with my computer desk. I figured out the replacement bed I want since I had to throw my mattresses out. It’s a folding mattress that can turn into a couch. Not a futon, with a frame and everything, but sort of like a floor sofa that can become a queen mattress.

That should be here Tuesday. My computer desk alternatives should be delivered Monday. It would be good to get the painting done on Sunday so I can start putting my room back together. It would be nice for my room to be the way I want it; envision it. If I’m going to be here for a few years I want it to be something I look forward to coming home to; something I enjoy being in. Something that reflects my minimalist mindset and the space I enjoying giving myself rather than the cluttered, disorganized disaster I feel trapped in.

Lately, I’ve been running into the issue of even if I wanted to cross-stitch, I don’t have the type of space I would want to do it. The living room is “alright” but it’s not the warm fuzzy feeling of “rightness”. At least not yet. Same with my room. With an air mattress that has a leak we can’t find, it’s hard to be comfy for any length of time. I think it’s starting to affect my sleep as well.

Anywho… so yesterday there were a lot of things that I couldn’t really do anything about other than wait and that sucked. Eventually, Ox and I got a message about D&D being canceled. Because of that, he suggested that we go check out one of the gyms close to the apartment. I was against it at first. After much insistence from Ox, I called and set up my free workout for 5:30. I needed to be there around 5:15 to get a tour of the facility and talk to one of the coaches.

It ended up being an awesome workout. I did way better than I thought I would. They have heart rate monitors that you wear during your workout and your stats are displayed on screens. When I first put mine on my heart rate was already displaying pretty high.

Me: Well… there’s anxiety in real-time.

I was super nervous about going. There were row machines. I didn’t know how my incision would handle rowing. I didn’t know how my legs would handle cardio. I didn’t know how I would handle being around a bunch of people I didn’t know while feeling like a failure because I haven’t worked out in months and I suck.

While I most likely won’t get a membership with this location because they’re super expensive and not really geared towards MMA stuff, it was extremely validating to go and realize I don’t suck as much as I thought I did. Honestly… I don’t suck at all. Maybe a little behind on endurance, but not by much.

I’m sort of sore today, but to be fair, I haven’t moved around a whole lot yet. I’m not as sore as I was worried I would be. It’s that right level of soreness. Not too much, but not too little. That, too, is validating. Dagger is doing a good job of making sure I take it easy and recover by giving cat cuddles.

I think I’m ok with a chill day of not a whole lot. Maybe some meal prep. Maybe lunch out with Ox. No deep, dark questions about, “am I broken?” No pressure to complete an unrealistic to-do list. Just a bright, sunny, summer day where I enjoy the fact that I’m here and respect the knowledge that “here” is a long way from where I was four years ago.

I’m doing alright and I’m ok with that.

Daily Post 181: Exam 3 Crushed

Today has been pretty crazy productive. I woke up at 6 am with my alarm. I purposefully set it so I could not waste the morning away. It started with coffee and finishing the flashcards for chapter 7; the skeletal system. I had over two hundred flashcards. x.x

I did a bunch of chores; sweeping, dishes, going through my “in” box and messages and such. I’ve been doing better about keeping up with things socially. I talked to the other tech about the work schedule. That was a 40-minute phone call. We talked about a lot of different things, though. One of the downsides of never seeing each other… there’s always a ton of stuff to catch up on.

But yeah, she was/is totally down for doing three days in a row and letting me take every Saturday. Too bad my FA isn’t all that jazzed about the idea. I think I need to talk to her in person and explain how all the things I want to do are during the week. I’m not going to burn out by working every Saturday like what she’s fearful of. I’m going to burnout more by having Saturdays off and missing out on kickboxing and all the things I want to be involved in. I’m not normal and it’s frustrating to be treated as if I am.

So that was sort of a shitty text message to get. It left me with feelings of frustration boarder-lining anger. Overall it was a good morning, though. I messaged Allison again. We’ve been chatting back and forth a bit. I updated her about work and the visit to Orlando to see Jon.

I messaged one of the RN’s to figure out it the schedule had been fixed for this coming Thursday. I wanted to see if someone would take my shift or split it with me. The known issue with the schedule hasn’t been addressed though, so I don’t know who I can talk to about coverage. Hope they get it figured out sooner rather than later. : /

On the bright side… if I do end up having to work all of this shift, I should be around around 3ish, so it’s a slightly shorter day than if I were working a MWF day. Still not wanting to do four days in a row…

I hung my posters finally. It helps make the room feel more like home. I set up some stuff on my “board of memories”, too. I cleaned up some piles of papers that were laying around and I dug out my vaccination forms so I can send them to the clinic I had to go to for school. The RN there said she could put all of that information into my file for me. Glad mom kept all of those ancient papers. It’s humbling to hold pieces of paper in my hand and to think about all of the things they’ve been through; to know that mom touched them, too.

Ox came over around 9ish to do our Darebee workout. I talked to him about the text message from my FA essentially vetoing my idea. He helped me feel better about it and encouraged me to try talking to her. We cuddled with the kittens for a bit. We did our workout. He went back to the house while I did a few more chores. I stopped by the gas station before going over for breakfast to pick up a few things from their mini-mart.

After breakfast, I came back to the apartment. More chores. More studying. I took exam 3. So far I’m sitting at a 93 but I’m pretty sure it will go up to a 96, possibly a 98 if I get partial credit for one of my answers. I should know by tomorrow. Totally labeling this test as crushed, though. And here’s a pun to make it official…

Ox came back over for another round of Darebee. We did two this afternoon so we’re all caught up. We’ve been doing pretty awesome with it and that makes me happy.

Dinner at the house was steaks with broccoli. There was birthday cheesecake after since it was Ornery Ox’s birthday today. When I got back to the apartment I completed all of chapter 8. Since it’s about joints and range of motion it was a fairly short chapter. Chapter 9 will be the muscular system which I’m expecting to be pretty heavy. That’s on the to-do list for tomorrow.

I’ve cleaned up my notebook for the week. I’ve updated and tweaked the sheets a bit more. Still in the process of refining them to be exactly what I want and need. I’m going into week three of using them. Woo. Go me.

Tomorrow is another day off. My last one until Sunday if you count Tuesday as a workday even though it’s school, which I totally do. I have my to-do list all mapped out. Since I’m waking up early to see Ox in the morning I should have a decent amount of time to work through chapter 9 and still do errands in the later AM.

Ox and I plan to do lunch once he’s done with work. I need to get kitten formula for Saber while we’re in town. She’s doing a lot better since we switched her food over to the high calorie cans we got from the vet yesterday. She’s playing and moving around a lot more, even pouncing on Dagger. Super cute. Still worried about her, but she’s not acting like she’s in pain or sick so until she does I guess I have to assume she’s ok.

There’s a few things I want to pick up from Walmart while Ox and I are out. Which reminds me since I’m talking about spending money…

I am not sure if I wrote about it or not, but I got my refund for the student loans with the school. $1500. I used part of it to pay for my ER visit. At least, to pay for the one part of the bill that I’ve gotten. I used $130 of it to buy some things from Amazon for the apartment. 4 shelves, a coat rack/keyring, a cubical organizer to go under my window shelf, and a file organizer with drawers to go on the end table by my desk. It’s going to be amazing when everything comes in. I’ll have my spice shelf above the stove. I’ll have a shelf in the bathroom to keep things tidy and out of the way. My desk will have places for my knickknacks and binders and folders rather than having everything scattered around.

I think what I’m looking forward to the most is the cubical organizer. I’ll have a place to put all of my gadgety things rather than getting frustrated at my lack of counter space.

I’m going to use a little bit of the money tomorrow at Walmart to get a tool bag and a first aid kit. I’ll most likely get a few cases of Bang as well since it’s “buy one get one half off”. I mean… let’s be realistic… if I’m going to be irresponsible and spend money what better things to spend it on than caffeine and organizational stuff?

I’m going to try to get the car in for an oil change as well then the rest of the money will be going to the credit card to get it back to “pre-Orlando” status. Actually, with the rest of the money it should be below pre-Orlando. My brain can’t even. I would be ecstatic if I could get the credit card lower than it’s been since I’ve gotten it.

Yeah. Lots of adulty stuff tomorrow. There’s kickboxing at 4:30, too. I would love to go to that. I’m supposed to cook the beef casserole for dinner. That’s a super easy recipe though, so I’m not worried about it adding a whole lot to my day. Ox said he would take the burger out of the freezer for me tonight so it should be ready to use by dinner time.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow. I want to tackle my list. I want to make it a good day. I want to crush my next test like I did this one. I want to make the Dean’s list. I want to have more good days than hard, emotionally raw days. I think my lists are helping with that. They keep me on track and accountable. They keep things in perspective and even on the days like Friday where I’m sad and hurt, they give me a map to keep me going.

And with that, I guess I’m off to bed since I have an early wake-up call for productivity.

Daily Post 179: Long But Not So Bad

I’m doing a bit better than yesterday. I think a majority of that has to do with Ox coming over and cuddling with me for a while.

Work was rough. I forgot my energy drink this morning. Much lame. Change over was crazy since we ended up having to do blood cultures on two people. I survived. I transferred acid, so that’s done. I got some Star Learning stuff done, too. I got to talk to my FA about a few things, so there’s clarity on some topics.

I made it through the day with only 4 cigarettes. Not as good as I would have liked. Not as bad as I thought I would do.

Adventure’s League didn’t happen tonight. I haven’t had a chance to make my character sheet. I didn’t have it in me to be around people after work today. I had to explain to my patients how I made a 92 on my test. I had to stand there and smile and listen to them congratulate me and tell me how my mom would be proud.

Irrational Right Brain: I already drank last night because I hurt so much over the fact that my mom is dead. Can you not bring up the fact that she’s dead while I’m here, at work, trying to emotionally hold my shit together? No? Oh… Well… Totally going to go cry in the bathroom on my break now. Thanks.

It wasn’t a bad day. It was just… a day. Long. Busy. Drainging both physically and emotionally. It was harder than it should have been because of who I was working with. Blarg. She even left before all of the stuff was done at the clinic. That always sucks.

Irrational Right Brain: Trust me… I get that you’re the nurse and that you have a degree that I don’t and that you’re in a different tax bracket, but we’re a team. I want to go home, too. At last empty the bleach buckets or something… You see that I’m still working. I helped you all day. I was here at the clinic setting stuff up before you even walked through the door. I picked up your slack all day. How do you think it’s ok to dip out at the end? Why am I the one left alone at the end of the day to finish everything by myself? Because it’s PCT work? It’s “beneath your pay grade” work? Arg. >.<

Anyway, getting off the bitch train because I really don’t feel like being on it… Things got better once I was able to get a hug from Ox. We cuddled for a while with the kittens. We talked a bit. I started my dinner cooking. We did our Darebee workout. We talked a bit more. Eventually, he went back to the house and I stayed here at the apartment to eat and study and do school stuff.

I’m content with the progress I made tonight. I have a lot to tackle over the weekend, but I think I’ll be ok. I’m completely done with the assignments for my LPNS 1010 class, so there’s nothing in that area looming over me. That’s a nice feeling.

I’m glad that I’m writing tonight. I’m glad I don’t feel like drinking again. I’m glad I work with my FA tomorrow and that even if the day sucks at least she’ll be the one with me. It makes it seem less sucky. I’ll be with a really strong worker and that makes everything seem a little bit easier.

Not much else to talk about at the moment and one of the kittens is yelling at me so I guess I should go for now. It’s almost 9 pm anyway. Bed time for me.

Daily Post 174: Small Steps

I’m going to try to make this a quick writing since it’s already almost 11 pm. I don’t have work tomorrow, but I am trying to stay on a decent sleep schedule, so staying up much later wouldn’t be a good idea.

I’ve been doing pretty alright this week. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I’ve only worked Monday so far. Tuesday was school. Today was a day off. Tomorrow will be a day off as well.

So much time off… it’s almost like I’m unemployed. Only halfway joking… After spending so long working so much my brain can’t wrap around this whole “not being at work” thing. I’m completely soaking it all in, though.

I got a 91 on my first exam. Not super awesome, but not shabby either. I’m waiting to hear back as to what questions I missed. I got a fair amount of studying done this morning. That was a good feeling along with doing chores and feeling like my life is starting to get mildly under control again.

Ox and I met in town for lunch. We went to Costco to put gas in both cars. From there we went to Office Max so I could get printer ink and a hole puncher. I’ve been doing better about making to-do lists. I even went as far as to make my own custom to-do list sheets in Google’s Sheets app.

I like them. There’s color. I have my daily, repeating tasks on there so I don’t have to write them by hand over and over and over. It makes a part of my brain happy. Tonight I finished working on the weekly sheets and monthly sheets. Those are most likely going to need a bit more tweeking, but it’s a good start.

After Office Max we headed back to Costco since most of the things we wanted to get were meats or frozen things. Ox got me a Ninja Foodi while we were there. : x

It’s expensive. At least, to me it’s expensive. I totally didn’t need to have it. I was doing just fine cooking meals without it. But holy fuck does it open up so many more things for me to do. I could cook my very own chicken, without having to get a rotisserie. I can try all of those instant pot recipes I keep seeing. I cannot wait for it to be next week so I can meal plan again.

I feel irresponsible and yet adult-ish at the same time. That was money we could have spent on debt. But I have a toy that can help make my life easier. It’s confusing. I like it. I want to use it. I want to make awesome meals for everyone with it. Awesome healthy meals in line with everyone’s goals.

Speaking of… I tried a new recipe tonight. I found it while I was looking for keto recipes during one of my breaks Tuesday. It seemed promising and it was. Super simple and well liked by everyone. I’ll definitely be making it again.

Other than that… I had to get stabbed three different times today. School is requiring that I get boosters for my vaccinations. Lame. The RN was super nice, though. I’m going to go through my papers and find the immunization forms that I have so those can be added into my medical file since none of them are there for some reason. Glad I have those from mom. Maybe they’ll prevent me from having to get more needles jabbed into my arms.

Ox and I have been doing really well with the Darebee exercises. That was one of the things I wanted to try to do as a goal for my 30-day Push thing. The only downside with that… Ox is his own person and if he wasn’t on board with doing this with me, then I’m sort of set up for failure at the get-go. You can’t control anyone other than yourself, so making a goal that depends or is co-dependant on someone else isn’t a smart move.

He and I talked about it and so far, like I said, we’re doing well. I haven’t been making it to the gym like I was hoping I would. I’ve been really productive and I don’t feel bad about how I’ve spent my time. Maybe I need to reevaluate some of the goals so they’re more realistic. I’m happy that the Darebee goal is going well. That’s still taking steps in the forward direction. It’s 10 minutes, roughly, each day that we’re both doing something together. We don’t have a team name yet. Hopefully we come up with something badass. We also have our “theme song”. At least, that’s what it feels like. We’ve used the same song for the past three workouts. It works though. Good pace, good rhythm. You can’t argue good.

I think I’m going to go for now. It’s getting later and later as I sit and type this. General conclusion, it was a good day. Dinner was awesome. I got to cross stitch afterwards. I started watching Black Clover with Ox. I found the good pair of sunglasses that were missing for forever. I have a new kitchen gadget of amazingness.

Yeah… it was a good day.

Daily Post 158: Saturday Burnout

Writing from Saturday morning:

Work wasn’t awful yesterday. My FA was there for a bit in the morning but then had to leave to attend meetings in Lincoln. That left me with Float RN and New RN. We got everyone through their treatments and the clinic closed down on time. Go us!

I was dead by the time I got home. Sadly, the kids are here this weekend, so going to bed early wasn’t an option. I did crawl into bed with the lights off, but the TV in the living room was on and I could hear it. The kids kept running in and out of the rooms and chatting and being kids. It’s one of the pieces of friction with the home situation. I’m not able to have the solitude and quietness away from people when I need it, and yesterday and this morning were definitely times where I needed it.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I think I’m starting to fight off a cold again. I was congested for most of the night. I woke up several times even with using the Vix Vapor thingy we have in the room.

When I finally gave up on sleeping this morning, everyone was already up. The thought of having to cook breakfast and dealing with people being under my feet while I tried to do stuff or answering questions and just in general interacting with anything living that wasn’t a cat sucked. It all felt heavy. And that’s how my whole day was going to be; constantly surrounded by demands on energy I didn’t have to give.

The pervasive thought this morning is that it’s almost the three-year mark. Three years since mom died. Soon I will have to find another rose to add to her vase; a sign that I have once again survived to reach another year. A sign that I made it through all of the hard days, all of the good days, each and every day that ticked us closer and closer to “this” day.

It sucks. And knowing that I couldn’t have the one thing I wanted, to be left alone, made it worse.

I did end up making waffles for everyone. I used whole eggs this time instead of egg whites. I didn’t eat with the family, but I was told the waffles were good. I stepped outside with Ox for a cigarette after he had eaten. When I came back inside I curled up in bed under the covers with one of the cats. Mama Ox came to the doorway. Since the lights were off she couldn’t see me.

Mama Ox: Where did she go? It’s like she’s hiding. I thought she came in here but I can’t see her.

Right Brain: Um… yeah. I’m hiding. That’s sort of the point of hiding. To not be found or bothered.

Ox and I had some alone time. He let me cry. I had told him about a dream I had last night which might have added to the frustration I woke up with. I had been in the kitchen trying to do something, but there was trash everywhere that no one had thrown away. There was clutter and friction and all of this “stuff” that I had to work around or take care of before I could begin to do what needed to be done. It felt like I was the only one who cared and that made it all feel pointless. I can’t care for everyone. I can’t be the only one doing things all the time. That’s how people burn out and that’s what I woke up with; a burnt out feeling.

I’m glad to say that things are getting better. I’ve worked through all of the emails in my inbox that I didn’t get to on Tuesday. I’ve replied to posts and even an email from one of my uncles. I have a new niece. I doubt I’ll ever be very close to her, but I’m happy for my cousin. I hope she’s enjoying being a parent. I hope her daughter grows up to have a close relationship with her.

I proofread and posted my last writing. I’ve written this one, not that there’s really much to say. I feel tired. I feel emotionally drained. I still feel slightly confined though not as much as I was when I first woke up. I’m hoping to get through this weekend of rainy ickiness where the kids complain that they’re bored and how there’s nothing to do. I’m hoping one day I will have my dragon’s den and it won’t matter if the kids are here; I’ll still be able to sleep after an exhausting day of work. I’ll still be able to have my silence and solitude without interfering with everyone else’s life.

Today isn’t that day, though. Tomorrow isn’t going to be that day either. Right now I just need to breathe through the tension and realize this is a moment in time. Nothing is bad. Nothing is wrong. Everyone here loves me, it’s just not structured to the needs of an extremely introverted INFJ.

For today, I will be grateful.

I am grateful I had my mom in my life as long as I did. I’m grateful I still have her in my life in the ways that I do. I’m grateful that Ox loves me and tries as hard as he does to make me feel safe and cared for. I’m grateful for my life, even if it’s different than what I thought it was supposed to be.

Hopefully, I can remember those things when the tension starts to swell up again. I AM grateful. Even when things are hard and sad and I’m not alone like I want to be, I am grateful.

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Written Sunday morning:

Today is off to a better start than yesterday. Granted, it’s only 6:30 in the morning, but already I have been equally as productive as I was for all of yesterday combined.

I woke up yesterday feeling out of it, and maybe that’s not the right way to describe it. I felt alright, just not up to the task of doing anything or socializing with anyone. It was one of those days where if I still lived in Orlando I would have slept all day and stayed in my room cuddling with Scarlet. Maybe if I had been feeling frisky I would have eaten something.

That’s not possible in the enviornment I live in now, though, and it most certainly isn’t possible while the kids are here.

I helped with breakfast yesterday, but I didn’t eat anything with the family. The bit of time I was in the kitchen with Mama Ox going back and forth and inserting her two cents on topics that didn’t matter and were mostly small talk that I had to fain instrest in had me frayed and feeling overwhelemed. It didn’t help that when I tried to go to the room to get away from it all, she followed me and commented about how I was hiding.

Yes. I’m hiding. Please respect that and leave me alone. >.<;

I wrote yesterday and continued with my posting for my leadership class. I have a handful of reflection sections left to post from the first book. I did buy the second book yesterday even though we won’t be working on it for the class until April. I figured since I’m going to be starting my Human Anatomy class soon that it would be better to try to get as ahead as possible. The next book is Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott. I don’t know much about it, but the audio book is over 13 hours. I may start it up today depending on how things go.

I did start a load of laundry yesterday, but that’s all I did with it. I just switched it over before putting my roast in the oven, so both of those things are going. I’m trying something different with my roast. I used a Grill Mates marinade with it this time since I like how it turns out with chicken so much. We’ll see if it’s a success in about an hour.

Ox and I did go to the store here in town yesterday afternoon. We needed milk and eggs. Mama Ox wanted a new container of cashews. I wanted shredded cheddar cheese for the leftover chili that no one is eating. I got a small bag of the Reese’s snack popcorn that I like.

Other than that, I took a three hour nap yesterday and did a bunch of nothing. I haven’t cooked dinner all week, which I guess isn’t as awful as it sounds. There were leftovers for some of the days, and the others Mama Ox cooked burgers or other simple, quick things that the family liked.

This wasn’t really the best week for me to do much, what with working late and having to travel. Maybe that was part of yesterday; burnout from a rougher week than I had thought it was.

I told Ox last night that I feel like I don’t handle things as well as I used to. I don’t know if that’s me getting older or still being broken from the ordeal that was mom’s death. I don’t remember crying as much during high school, though. I don’t remember feeling as overwhelmed and bombarded by small, simple social interactions. I also didn’t have to deal with them very much for the seven-ish years I lived in Florida. I was able to have my own room and to avoid the world when I wanted to. I still don’t have that option here and so maybe I’m the same it’s just the situations are different. Different stressors, different coping behaviors… I wish I knew.

Ox, for his part, was himself. Ridiculously understanding, supportive, and reassuring. He let me sleep during the day. He dealt with my grouchiness. He held me, encouraging me to take deep breaths when the tension started to build in my chest. He said two months. He doesn’t want me to sleep in the addition with it being so cold. He didn’t want me to sleep in my car either for the same reason when I brought that option up last night. I didn’t want to be away from home, so the thought of a hotel room didn’t sit very well with me.

I just want a quiet space here. A safe space. A “my” space where I belong and I have my things with me instead of them being packed away still in a storage unit I haven’t seen in roughly seven months. I keep thinking in the back of my mind that I’m going to unwrap my china and all of the pieces are going to be broken because of how cold it has been. It’s a shitty thought that doesn’t help anything when my brain is already being a terrorist.

I don’t really know where to go from here as far as my writing goes. Ox said two months. I have my trip next week to see my brother and dad and Mother Earth and Sir. I don’t have a lot of time while I’m there. Maybe I should have tried to plan this better. I don’t think I’ll have time to visit my home clinic. I don’t know if I want to see Warren while I’m there. It will most likely be like pulling teeth and I doubt any headway will be made in regards to the money he owes me. I would like to see my therapist before she retires. I would like to go to the dojo, but I don’t know if I should or not. I haven’t been going to the one here, and though I’ve been better about the gym this past week, I still feel like I’m behind in regards to the workout section of my life.

It was rainy and misirable all day yesterday and it’s suppposed to stay that way for a while. The tempratures are supposed to rise, though. Hopefully spring is arriving and all of this snow will melt and it will be sunny once again. I hope so. I really, really hope that I’m almost at the end of whatever this is and that I do good in school and my yearly review goes well and I eventually get my safe, quiet place and all of this tension and stress and apathy melt away with the snow.

Daily Post 126: Slackin’

Emotionally I’ve still been sort of all over the place. Tuesday was where it really started tanking downhill but I’ve been slowly recovering to the point where I’m at today. I screamed in my car on the drive home from the dojo Wednesday and I cried again Friday night, but both of those times were healthy cries that I feel I needed to have.

I’ve been struggling with feeling lonely and I feel bad for Ox because he seems to take the brunt of that discord since he’s the closest person to me. Jon called Tuesday before I left for class. When I answered the phone I was pretty much already in tears. He knew instantly that something was up and asked if I was ok. I told him that nothing was really wrong. I was just sad and he said he hoped I felt better.

It sucks when I’m like that. I feel bad for the people around me. There’s really nothing that anyone can do. It’s something I have to get through, breathe through. I still don’t know what to do to make the pain and loneliness go away. There isn’t a “fix” other than time. There’s a part of me who feels like I shouldn’t need another person; I should be able to figure my emotions out on my own and not require outside forces to pull me out of my sadness. Because of that mentality, I don’t reach out for the support that would probably help me get through my downs faster and easier. I don’t like thinking that I “need” someone. Needing means you’re dependent, so what happens when suddenly they’re not there anymore? How do you keep functioning then?

It’s another topic in the long list that I have that I eventually need to meditate on. All I can say is right now I still make it through those times. I might not make it through them with the grace I would like, but I still come out on the other side so that hopefully still counts as a win.

All of that aside, Ox and I are doing well I think. We spent most of yesterday shopping for me again. I got winter socks from Walmart. We went to a few stores looking for snowshoes but were unsuccessful in finding something I wanted to spend money on. I did get a pair of snow pants to go over my work clothes. Ox and I talked about that for a while. Originally we were thinking about getting me a few sets of thermals, but since you wear those under clothing, it would be annoying to put them on, then my scrubs, drive to work, undress then redress so I don’t overheat while I’m working the floor. Getting something that could go over my clothing seemed like a smarter option for the type of work I do. So I got a pair of black snow pants for $40 since they were on sale. I haven’t worn them yet aside from trying them on, but I think I’ll like them and I think they’ll work well of what I’m looking for. Right now they’re folded up and waiting for our next snow day.

I was also able to find a long-sleeved shirt that I like. It has thumb holes!!!! I got two of them since I figured I’ll only be wearing them, maybe, on my days off. Two should suffice. I really like them. I wore one yesterday once we got home from shopping to get a better feel for it. It’s soft and stretchy. The hand part fits snuggly, and with the thumb holes, I don’t feel like my wrists or fingers are being restricted. With having lived in Florida for so long, I don’t like wearing long-sleeved stuff much, and with how often I wear workout gear, I don’t like clothing that doesn’t stretch or move easily with me. It has made finding winter things that I like a little harder than what it most likely is for other people. I have very specific criteria for what I’m looking for. Luckily I’ve been able to find things that match what I want, it’s just taken a bit more time and not settling for “good enough”.

Overall, it was another day of win for the shopping list. Only snowshoes, scrubs, and potentially pants left to go.

We also stopped at a few places to price mark laptops since that is something on my radar. Right now it seems like I would be spending around $500 for something along the lines of what I want. Not bad, but not something I’m going to do right now. During one of our conversations, Jon brought up the fact that he has yet to pay me for the Surface I gave him while we were in Vegas. That would be $200 I could put towards a new laptop.

There are still a few other options I want to look into before settling on something. I would like to investigate more into a Chrome book since Google runs my life. Regardless of what I find, I most likely will hold off until Black Friday / Cyber Monday to see what deals pop up. Not “needing” a laptop means I can wait for a while. There’s also the marketplace thing for my work that might have decent deals.

One of the things we got last week was a gallon of apple cider with a bottle of caramel vodka. It’s an amazing mix. Just throwing that out there though I am very aware of just how many carbs are in 8 fluid ounces of apple cider alone. So worth it.

I didn’t have breakfast containers for yesterday or this morning so I made breakfast bowls with tater tots, onion, pepper, mushroom, salsa, sour cream, cheddar cheese, egg, and steak. It turned out really good. It’s the first time in a while I’ve had anything potato related. I guess it’s a bit of a guilty pleasure, but it’s been an extremely pleasing breakfast both times.

My meals for the week are done since I froze my leftover soup and chili from last week. Both of those recipes make eight servings, so the food shopping for this week was pretty light. The only cooking I have to do today is my roast and that’s pretty much just putting it in the oven and letting it do its thing until I need to cut it up.

I did laundry yesterday since I spilled my Bang a little bit on the bed. Talk about a party foul. : /

I still need to put the clothes away and repack my gym bag. Aside from potential school work, though, my day is pretty chill as far as chores are concerned. Roast, clothes, lunch for Ox, taking care of the cardboard tote… Yep, mostly just minor things.

The cut on my left hand is doing better, but now I have a cut on my right hand which sucks. I can’t win for losing apparently. I don’t even know what I did to get this one. I happened to look down while I was putting groceries away yesterday and noticed it. It sucks how something doesn’t start hurting until you notice it, then it’s the only thing you can think about. Still no signs of infection or anything. Just a little red around the edges from being angry because it has to bend so much. Stupid fingers and their bending… >.<;

Oh… on the subject of food. The chicken taco soup actually turned out really good as leftovers. I’m happy about that because when I first tried it I didn’t know if I would be able to eat it for a week straight. I think the next time I make it I’ll either use a different seasoning since I’m not a huge fan of the chipotle flavor profile or use regular cream cheese instead of the jalapeno flavor. I do think the base recipe is a good one and that with slight modifications it could be added regularly to my rotation.

I went to the dojo both Wednesday and Friday night. I only stayed for one class each time, but they were good classes and I’m glad I was there. I got to do drills with one of the guys on Friday. That was fun. He’s a teenager, most likely around 16 or so. After our first few rounds of drills, we were both more comfortable with each other. We’re both going to have bruises on our shins for a while, but that’s part of it.

I think the more I keep going, the more I’ll get to know everyone, the more comfortable and at home I’ll feel. I enjoyed working with the instructor and I do think I’ll enjoy being his student.

I still need to mess with JeFit but during one of the conversations with Jon the subject of it turning my music off came up. I guess it’s a setting I need to poke around with because his music plays just fine with the app. Good to know. If I feel ambitious today I might take a look at it.

I’ve still been cross stitching. I feel like I’ve been making a decent amount of progress on it. I didn’t take a picture last week, but I will later tonight before going to sleep. I’ve decided that since I haven’t been posting pictures for this project on my blog, I’ll wait until it’s finished to do a post with all of the progress pictures. That way they still get posted, but it’s not a “six here, one or two there” sort of thing. They can all be together.

School is going well. We had our first exam. I got 104% since I got the bonus question. Everyone passed. I didn’t see anyone else with my score though. A lot of 100%s, but it seemed like everyone else missed at least one question.

I still haven’t figured out my scrubs yet. I need to get that taken care of sooner rather than later. I also need to get my background check completed along with obtaining my school ID so I can participate in the clinical portion of the class once it gets to that point. I’m saving both of those tasks for Tuesday because my future self is going to need something to do.

Work has been surprisingly quiet and smooth. We hired a new nurse, though she has several years of dialysis experience so she’s not really new. I met her Wednesday. She’s pretty awesome. Friendly. Knowledgeable. I feel secure as a PCT with her. She’s going to be our float nurse for the next bit and I’m ok with that. I think we’ll work well together once we figure out a flow.

The acid machine got fixed at work, so I mixed a batch of acid Friday. I was having anxiety over it the whole time, waiting for smoke to start billowing up again. It went flawlessly, though. The pH tested within range and I was able to transfer it to the holding tank. I’m not sure if we’re going to use the jugs until their gone or switch over to the batch of acid I made when we open on Monday, but either way, the clinic is taken care of and ready to go. Woo!

I didn’t work overtime this week. It’s the first time in a while. I got permission to start using my PTO to round out my hours on the weeks that I don’t reach 40 from working at my clinic alone. I used five hours this week. Hopefully, that will slow down how quickly I’m earning PTO hours and keep them from capping on me. I would rather not have to cash my hours out since they’re taxed so heavily if you do it that way.

I was supposed to have a work outing yesterday night. There were plans for bowling that Ox and I were voluntold to go to. It got canceled though since I guess most people weren’t able to be there. Totally not heartbroken about it. I liked how my day went without the added stress of having to go be social, too.

Oh, and the FHM meeting was interesting. I’m hoping to be invited to more of them in the future, but even if I’m not, I’m glad I had the experience. It was nice to meet our medical director and to see another side of the clinic.

So yeah… I guess that’s about it. I’m doing alright in a tentative, low energy sort of way. I know I’m sensitive right now and I’m trying to be mindful of that fact. I’m looking forward to working on Monday and going to my class on Tuesday and to the dojo on Wednesday. I’m glad I wrote and I’m glad that the sun is out and shining even if it’s a cold and windy day.

It feels like a decent day.

And with that, I’m off to continue being a slacker. : 3

Daily Post 124: Officially Official

I’m officially official.

Yesterday I went to the DMV and finally got my Nebraska plates. They’re not actually on my car yet since it’s been raining non-stop for the past FOREEEEVVVVVEEEERRRR. I’m not even exaggerating. Literally days of wet, cold, dreary rain. It sort of sucks.

Anyway. That was the last task on my “Move to Nebraska” to do list. Well… maybe “Put plates on car” is really the last task on the to-do list… but I digress…

It only cost me about $200 once everything was said and done. That doesn’t include the $75 for the citation I paid. Even with the citation included, registering my car in Nebraska cost way less than what I had to pay in Florida, and it was a way less painful process, too. I was only at the DMV for about 20 minutes; 30 tops.

That’s the biggest highlight of my life since I wrote last time. Other than emotional breakdowns from not getting enough introverted alone time and working another four days on top of going to my class and interacting with a whole new group of people, several of who are still in high school. I really hope I didn’t sound like them when I was their age. They have a rude awakening ahead of them if they think life is going to get any easier from where they’re at…

I don’t have a lot in common with many of my classmates, mostly because they are younger. Early 20s while I’m going on 30. A lot has happened to me in the past 10 years. Hell… most of what makes me, me, happened in the past three. There is a priority difference and a work ethic difference. There’s also the fact that I already know the procedures and that I currently work in the medical field and already interact with patients. I handle myself and the testing differently. I don’t worry about messing up. I try. I do my best. If I get corrected, ok. That will let me get better. I watch the videos before coming to class. I make flashcards. I actually write discussion posts that are worth discussing rather than two or three sentence comments.

I don’t know… In true INFJ fashion, I’m different.

Overall, I like the class and I think the instructor and I are getting along fairly well. I know of one day that I will miss due to a meeting at work, but I have already talked to her about it. The procedures being covered that day are stupid easy. Taking a pulse. Counting respirations. Taking blood pressure. Taking temperature… I couldn’t have lucked out better if I had tried.

I’ve been cross stitching a lot more recently. It doesn’t hurt as much to hold the fabric. It gives me quiet time each night I do it. I’ve taken two pictures in the past three weeks to mark my progress as I continue to work on it. I’ll hopefully add them to my Dragon’s Horde before too much longer. I haven’t added anything to that section of my blog in a really long time. Acknowledging that makes my heart ache. All I can do is keep taking small steps forward. I don’t cry every time I stitch now. That’s progress. I think mom would be happy that I’m still doing it even if it’s taken me a while to figure out how to and to work through the emotions.

The schedule for the coming month is out. I only work in Beatrice so far. Hooray. No overtime. No Saturdays. I started plucking away at the Vascular Access Manager information again today while I was at work. I finished one of the requirements and printed off a bunch of papers that I need to go through since you know… taking a CNA class while working full time isn’t enough to keep me busy or anything…

I haven’t been going to the gym or working out with my bag. I don’t have an excuse. I just haven’t felt like it. I’ve wanted to stay home the few times I’m able to have free time. I’ve finished watching all of Fate/Apocrypha. It wasn’t all that awesome though the fight scenes were pretty badass. Frankinstine was my favorite character. ❤

I’ve started watching Killer B. So far I’m captivated. Oh… I also watched all of the Castlevania series on Netflix. That was awesome. So wish there were more episodes.

But that gives you an idea of how much I’ve not been going out or doing anything; writing included. Nearly three freaking series… Could I do anything more useless with my time?

Even as I write that I know I’m being overly harsh with myself.

I needed that downtime. I needed that break from problem-solving and thinking and interacting. I needed to be alone. Ox has been amazingly supportive in allowing me to be my tired, overwhelmed, introverted self. I’ve been finicky with eating lately. Most likely because I’m so much less active than what I was a few weeks ago.

I’m trying to do the things I know I need to do to care for myself. After the past two weeks, I NEEDED the alone time more than I needed to go to the gym. I went yesterday. I rowed and biked for a bit, stretching after I was done. It felt good to workout even if it wasn’t as intense as what I “normally” would do.

Irrational Right Brain: Fuck you. I went. That’s a win, damnit!

Logical Left Brain: *looks around* … Um… I don’t think anyone was actually criticizing us…

Irrational Right Brain: I don’t care! It’s a win, damnit!

Logical Left Brain: *sigh* This is why I need an Excedrin…

I don’t know if I’ll do anything tomorrow. I would like to, but we’ll see how things play out.

I’ve emailed the owner of the dojo in Beatrice to see about going to the Hapkido class this Friday evening after work. I’m not sure how that will turn out, but I am aware that I need to find something. It’s still missing in my life; that energy and charge and fulfillment from pushing myself to be better than I was. Training at the gym isn’t the same. Working out with my bag isn’t the same. I don’t think anything can really compare to going up against a stronger, more trained opponent and getting your ass kicked, but knowing you got it kicked less than you did last time. Or being able to hold your own against them. There’s just something so… validating about that experience. I miss it. I want it back.

So, yeah… we’ll see if he emails me back. If he doesn’t I’ll still show up, I’ll just have less information when I do.

I guess that’s about it on my end. Saturday will be clothes shopping day since it’s getting to the point where I legitimately need long pants so I don’t freeze or get sick from exposure in shorts. Lame. So much lame. ;-;

Saturday will also be grocery shopping and such. Because I’ll have that day off instead of working and will be able to do shit like that. Hooray!

I’m going to go for now. I want to make my nest in the corner of the bed while Ox and I listen to our shows and spread out all of my cross stitching stuff so it gets lost in the blankets and I have to dig around to find my stupid highlighter whenever I need to mark off the progress I’ve made on my pattern. Being curled up and warm and near him sounds, I don’t know… perfect I guess. As close to perfect and human life can be at least. Imperfectly perfect.

Daily Post 097: My New Dojo

I’m tired. I’m sore. I think I’m fighting off a dehydration headache.

And I’m completely ok with all of it because today was pretty awesome.

I woke up for work like normal. Each morning starts off with me groggily opening up a can of Cotten Candy Bang because that stuff is addictive and I neither need nor want intervention. I showered. I had breakfast, which I don’t know if breakfast is what you can call food at 3 am when you still eat at 7 am… but that’s a tangent for another time.

I got dressed. I had my morning cigarette with Ox. I drove to work. I started setting up the clinic a little early since I was there a little early.

I got a phone call from my boss saying she would be late.

And you know… I think I would have been more not ok with that fact if it hadn’t been for my bike ride on Sunday.

This morning though, I was fine with it. I told her it was cool. I was already setting up. I would see her when she got there. I knew the day might be a little rougher, but I was ok with it. She’s human. We all make mistakes. It wasn’t intentional and we would do our best and we would survive and everything would be ok in the end.

She got to work. We got everyone on the machines at their normal times. It was a smooth day; at least as smooth as it can be in dialysis.

I got to talk to several of my patients about my upcoming race. I got to tell them about my weekend ride. I got to explain that I was going to the dojo after work, which led to conversations about my previous experiences and my “history” as far as the evolution of my combat training, which I don’t know if that’s what it could or should be called but that’s what I’m going with.

It was a decent day. We closed the clinic down pretty quick. They have someone to cover for me on Friday so I don’t have to go in, and it’s a tech who’s worked in the clinic before so I don’t have to worry about the clinic burning down to ashes as much as I was. I’m still waiting for my Concur report to be approved. I still haven’t called to figure out what’s going on with my paycheck. I also still need to finish yet another training course before the end of the month.

Mr. Non-Compliance showed up today for the first time in about a month. It was good to see him again. I got to tell him I had been worried about him and that I was glad he was there. I got to cannulate his fistula for the first time. I might be able to get my NFACT training completed since it is a new fistula and then I’ll be an “expert cannulator” which doesn’t give me a pay increase, but it will look good on my yearly review. I’m accomplishing a lot of things, work-wise, and that’s a good feeling.

Another patient brought a gift bag full of goodies for me and my FA long with a remarkably touching card expressing how grateful she is for everything we do for her. There are a lot of moments that make my job worth it. The “Thank you, ladies,” as my patients leave for the day, able to enjoy whatever it is they’re about to do because they were able to get their treatment. The “Good mornings,” and the stories about how their weekends were. The smiles. The jokes and bantering.

This is the first time I have received a card from one of my patients. It makes all of the crazy days and the stress and the sweat and the walking six miles inside the same room worth it.

After work, I drove home and showered super fast since I only had about 20 minutes to get to the dojo for class. As I sort of mentioned before, I sweat when I’m at work and there’s no way to not do that. I didn’t want to change into my gear for the dojo while still having the grimy feeling from my workday covering me.

Maybe it’s a bit of a ritual in some regards or maybe I’m just really weird… but… I want to start off clean. The gym, the dojo, working on the addition… it doesn’t matter that I’m going to get gross and sweaty. I want to start fresh because it’s a start and in my head there’s some sort of honor tied into it. You don’t show up to important things icky. Training is important to me. I want to be clean when I walk through the doors. I want to be clean when I bow onto the mat for the beginning of class. It didn’t help that this would be my first impression for everyone I met. I wasn’t going to go looking raggedy from work.

Kickboxing was at 5:45. Jiujitsu was at 6:45. Krava Maga was at 7:45.

I only stayed for kickboxing and jiujitsu.

It was pretty awesome. The dojo is smaller, both space wise and population wise, then what I’m used to from Orlando. It still felt homey and welcoming. There was only one other guy with me for kickboxing so it was pretty personalized work.

The instructor is a chick who gave me pretty good advice for my kicks. She was complimentary on my work. It was a moderately intense class and I think most of my soreness comes from that first hour.

I didn’t know if I was going to stay for jiujitsu. I was already tired, but I was there, on the mat. I wasn’t exhausted or overly hungry so there was really no reason for me to not stay, but I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to do.

The instructor for kickboxing introduced me to the instructor for jiujitsu. It seemed silly to go after that. Jiujitsu is the thing I’ve been missing most. This was my chance to see if the dojo would really be what I’m looking for. The instructors themselves even said that I could stay for as long as I wanted and if I needed to leave it was ok. They were glad to have me.

So I stayed.

We practiced getting out of standing headlocks.

It was pretty awesome. I was paired with two girls who were half of my weight which sort of sucked. I felt like I could break them if I hugged them too tight, let alone have them in a headlock bracing my weight on their back.

When the instructor worked with me one on one it was better because I was able to do the moves with more intention, more force, more strength. He was a better match for me, size-wise, as an opponent, and he didn’t treat me like a delicate flower. He pointed out where I was leaving myself open for counter moves. I think he was surprised at how quickly I picked things up and by the types of questions I asked.

It was a good practice even though we didn’t get to sparring. He said we would make up for it during Thursday’s class so, of course, I really want to make it to Thursday’s class. XD

I didn’t stay for Krav Maga, more because I was hungry and out of water than because I was too tired to, though with having training at 10 am tomorrow, I think leaving was the smart option.

I had already met a lot of new people in a new environment after working a full day at the clinic on very little sleep since sexy time happened last night. No regrets.

It was a good day and I’m glad for all of the moments that happened. I’m taking advantage of the dojo’s offer for a free week at the moment. I would like to check out the other location just to see what it’s like. The north location offers more classes but since it’s further away I don’t think it will be my main dojo.

I have information about the membership. It would be hard to swing it while still paying extra on all of my bills. I could volunteer to work on Saturdays to help maintain / cover the added expense… At least I would know what I’m working for so it would be worth it.

I haven’t gotten that far, but I’m fairly certain that I will be becoming a member of this dojo.

I drove home and showered after my classes, so yes, I’ve showered three times today. I ate. I’m still working on trying to drink more water to fend off the headache.

I’m looking forward to being able to tell my trainer that I got two runs in and a bike ride and two hours at the dojo. I think it will make him happy to hear that I’m going out and doing more on my own and that I’ve found something that I like and that I finally got my bike rack.

I know I’m pleased and content and I guess that’s really the important aspect of it.

I guess that means I have some soul searching to do and some decisions to make in the near future, but for now, I’m going to finish my water and go to bed. If I wake up overly sore tomorrow I plan to go to the gym here in Hickman to do some yoga to loosen up before my session in Beatrice. I also plan to explain if I’m in any sort of pain so my trainer can adjust our session as he sees fit.

I’m less worried about my weigh in on Thursday. I don’t care about the numbers anymore. I think I’ve found my new dojo. Numbers can’t take away the level of ok-ness that adds to my life.

I’m going to skip out on the SCA combat practice tomorrow to try to get to more of the classes at the dojo while they’re free. I want to feel like I belong there and the more I go the more I’ll feel that way.

I’m looking forward to all of it. I’m glad I have this in my life again.