Daily Post 038: These Seem To Be Turning Into Weekly Posts…

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I guess now’s a good a time as any to write. It’s almost 10 pm. I “should” have been asleep a few hours ago since I wake up at 3 am for work, but eh… I’ll be ok. I would rather do this. It’s better to do it rather than toss and turn in bed all night thinking about writing.

I don’t remember the last thing I wrote about, to be honest. I suppose I could go back and read my last post. I’m pretty sure I mentioned the concert with Big Bad. I don’t think I talked much about it. That was the last time I’ve seen him. Conflicting schedules suck.

The concert was a lot of fun. I think we both needed the break from reality. I drove there, roughly two hours, through what seemed like never ending rain. Big Bad drove back which was unbelievably nice. I tend to get headaches when I have to drive at night. Instead, I got to rest and actually slept part of the way back.

So I’m going on two weeks of not seeing him. During those two weeks, his mom was hospitalized. I don’t know much as far as details go. I know she was discharged so everything must be relatively ok. I know Big Bad is worried about her living alone. I’m not sure if that’s going to change in the near future or not. I’m sure it’s something we’ll talk about when we see each other again, which thankfully should be soon.

I am scheduled off on Tuesday so we have plans to spend Monday evening together. Our schedules finally line up to have a weekend off together so we may try to make plans for Friday night / Saturday. I’m not sure yet, but it would be unbelievably nice to see him twice in one week again.

It’s something I talked about in therapy today. I finally scheduled another session. It’s been close to two months. I mentioned during the session how I probably should have scheduled one sooner with how I’ve been feeling lately. It was nice to have a session where I felt ok for once though, rather than an emotional ball of sadness and grief.

I mentioned my sickness and my trip to the ER and how it was hard being there. How it reminded me of the surgery floor and waiting with mom for her to be taken back. I talked about how I had to have a CT scan done and how I finally knew what it felt like for mom to be in the room by herself inside of the machine and to have to wait for test results. I know what it’s like to be a patient and to be pushed around in a bed and wheelchair.

It sucked having to go through those emotions, but in a way, I’m glad I did.

My therapist mentioned at the end that she can tell there’s been a lot of growth within me during these past two months of my training. She asked if I understood that my grief and the sadness will continue to come in waves. I said I did, but this was the first time where it seemed to stay. It wasn’t as fierce as before, but it seemed to last longer. Like a calm sea that stretched on for forever. Nothing was really wrong, but there wasn’t an end. No change. No reprieve. Just this constant sadness and apathy that made everything feel pointless.

I explained how it was comforting to be out of it because it showed me that even if that state, those feelings, last for a while, they will eventually change. I’ll go back to being ok even though I’m not really “un-ok” when I’m sad. It’s just a different state and I guess a natural one I’ll have to swing through from time to time now that mom’s gone.

I don’t really know what else to write about.

I’ve been feeling better recently. Monday was more mind-numbing power point slides. I survived. That was the last day as far as lecture material goes. Woohoo.

Tuesday was a fantastic day. I had three patients on my own. I initiated and terminated their treatments by myself AND handled all of the documentation within the timeframe I was given. Go me. Totally improved by leaps and bounds compared to last week where I was able to do the treatments but couldn’t keep up with the documentation.

Theoretically, if I had a fourth patient, like what I’ll have once I’m on my own, I would have been able to handle it with the time I had. That’s reassuring. It means even though I’m still a little nervous and could be doing better in the confidence department, that I really am doing well and that I really do “got this”.

I was supposed to work Wednesday but opted to trade days so I’ve had Wednesday and Thursday, today, off. It’s been a glorious two days. I think I needed these days. I needed the time to step back and breathe and exist without obligations for a little while.

I did absolutely nothing on Wednesday and yes, it was as amazing as it sounds. I woke up at six, didn’t get out of bed until 10. Had some coffee. Napped on the couch. Took a shower. Napped again. Ended up getting dinner with Nicole, Marc, and Des. Came back home. Went to sleep.

Absolutely perfect.

I most likely needed all of the sleep since I’m still pushing pretty hard in the gym department. Add to the fact that every day I work is now a cardio day with how much I move around. It was nice to have two days off in a row so I could take one day to be a complete and total “rest” day.

Today has been productive. I got all of my book work done. Once again it was off the clock, but I’m ok with it. I would rather be on the floor with patients while I’m at work rather than sitting in front of a computer. It didn’t take as long as I thought it would. Roughly two hours for the online training and book work. I went and got a pair of nursing shoes finally. It’s been on my to-do list for a while. I got a pair of scrubs while I was at the store since mine still haven’t come in yet. I’ve decided that these will be my Saturday scrubs.

I would say it’s a secret, but since I’m putting it out there for the whole of anyone to read I guess it’s not all that secret… There’s a pretty big push to wear the companies scrubs, but since no one from administration is around on the weekends I’m going to wear the scrubs I just dropped $60 on. They’re super amazingly comfortable. They’re essentially workout clothes. Stretchy, comfy, moves with you, breathable material. I love them and I haven’t even worked in them yet. Totally can’t wait for Saturday. I want to try them out so bad.

Same with the shoes. I haven’t worked in them yet, but from walking around the store I’m pretty sure I’ll like them more than my sneakers. I felt like my heels had more support. I also got better, more cushioned socks. We’ll see if there’s a marked difference tomorrow. I think there will be.

I’m also thinking about wearing my Fitbit to work so I can see just how intense my days are. Do I get to count how much I walk in a day as a workout? Is that cheating? I feel like it should count so I can’t be called a slacker when I’m tired and don’t want to go to the gym or train.

I’m supposed to have lunch with Jon on Sunday. Afterward we’re going to go kayaking again. I’m looking forward to it. I think getting some sun and having some family time will be a nice way to rest up from the next two work days and to destress before my test on Monday.

Which, by the way, I have my certification test on Monday. The rest of next week is my final week of training, and then I’m off on my own, a certified PCT for DaVita.

The thought of my training ending doesn’t terrify me as much as it did three weeks ago. Especially after how well I handled Tuesday, I feel like over the next five-ish work days that I’ll get a good feel for my own flow. I know I won’t be the best PCT on the floor, but I’ll be competent enough to not drown, and I know my teammates will help me when I need it.

So yeah, one more week and then I get a dollar increase.

I talked about the schedule with my supervisor and asked how it would be handled. He couldn’t promise me a super consistent schedule but he did say if there was a particular day I wanted off that he could try to work with that. After talking to Big Bad we’re going to see if I can have Tuesdays off. That would allow us to have Monday evening together since I wouldn’t have to wake up at 2 or 3 am to get to work.

I was nervous about bringing the subject up with him. I didn’t want it to feel like I was forcing him to give up his Monday evening. I know it’s really sucked for both of us, though, not having a set day where we know we’ll be able to see each other. It was reassuring to hear his support for requesting Tuesday as my off day. I guess I’m still sort of insecure and vulnerable feeling when it comes to the emotional stuff. It’s nice to have the reassurance that it’s not all one-sided nonsense inside of my head.

I haven’t seen my blacksmith since the 8th but I know he and I are still ok. He had family matters which kept him from coming over last week, and this week I’ve needed the alone time to regroup.

I think that’s about it.

Been killing it at the gym even though it doesn’t feel like it. I did a spin class today which has my inner thighs hating on me. I did way more “climbing” than I’ve ever done though, even in the spin classes I was taking at the YMCA. These classes feel way more intense. The first one I went to was last Thursday. Totally kicked my ass and my feet, but that’s because I wore my Vibrams. Not the best shoes for those classes. The peddles on those bikes are sort of weird on top of that. Just not a good combination in my book.

I wore my sneakers this time ’round and it went way better. We’ll see how I keep doing I suppose. It’s hard to find consistent classes to go to with my wonderfully inconsistent schedule, which is why it feels like I’ve done “nothing”.

I’m glad I have my calendar to tell me that, no, actually, I really do need a rest day or I’ll regret it.

Tomorrow is kickboxing. Saturday is yoga. Sunday is kayaking. Monday is conditioning at the gym. Tuesday will most likely be a rest day with meal planning, grocery shopping, and cooking. Maybe laundry. Most likely sweeping because dog fur sucks. We can throw in vacuuming, too, because dog fur doesn’t stay on just the tile. Blarg.

It should be a pretty decent day, though. And it should start off fantastically. A nice warm cup of coffee with Big Bad.

I’m very much looking forward to it despite all of the adulting I’ll need to get done. It’s my light at the end of the tunnel.

Maybe that’s helped with the sadness and apathy lifting. I know I’ve made it through the hardest part. A lot of the people in my life have made it through the hard parts. Warren started his new job this week. Big Bad applied for a new position and may be switching to something he’s more interested in. My blacksmith is no longer having to work doubles every day because his company was able to hire more people.

It’s a good feeling. A stable feeling. I’m glad I’m feeling it rather than the coldness, the aloneness, that I was.

I’ll try to be better about writing.

Thanks for being patient with me.

Daily Post 035: Kidney Stones VS Childbirth

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I’m not going to apologize for my life. I’m not going to apologize for not writing. I’m not going to apologize for spending money or for playing video games. I’m not going to apologize for being sick or frustrated or tired.

I still don’t feel much at the moment even though the depression and apathy I have been feeling for the past several weeks seem to be easing their grip.

Big Bad and I finally got to spend an evening together. I don’t know when we’ll be able to see each other again. Maybe not until the weekend after next. We enjoyed our time together we both slept well. In the morning, he went to the gym, letting me sleep in, though I did wake up when he text me to let me know he would be back. I replied with my own message to which he replied, “Go back to sleep :p ”

Our exchange made me smile as I snuggled deeper into the blankets and his scent. It made me feel like I belonged which was extremely nice after feeling so alone for so long. We finally were able to share coffee together again. We got to talk about the things going on in our lives which included my trip to the ER.

I had a kidney stone Friday morning. That sucked. Like, literally was the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life, level of suck which I feel is saying a lot for how hard I play with my partners as a masochist. I was in so much pain I threw up and couldn’t walk. Warren took me to the ER since of course this happened at 1 am and all of the urgent care clinics were closed. FML.

And to make it even better, on the way to the ER the pain faded. By the time we got checked in and I saw someone I was still dazed and fuzzy from the intensity of the pain, but I could walk again, and I could answer all of their questions though I was sort of slow on some of them.

They put an IV in my arm in case the pain came back I and needed medication. I had blood work drawn which included a pregnancy test. Good news. I’m not pregnant. Big Bad was also appreciative of that result. I had a CT scan, which that stands for computerized tomography. You learn something new every day, right? I also had an ultrasound and a few other tests run.

I had a CT scan, which that stands for computerized tomography. You learn something new every day, right? I also had an ultrasound and a few other tests run.

Everything was inconclusive.

The doctor, an extremely nice lady, said given my symptoms and description they believed it was a kidney stone that was too small to show up on the scan.

While I was waiting in between all of my poking and prodding I consulted the wise and mighty Google, asking it what the causes of kidney stones could be.

Basically, it’s one of those, “if you breathe you might get one” sort of things… dehydration could cause it, too much protein in your diet can cause it, being sick can cause it, genetics can cause it. Most adults will experience at least one kidney stone in their life. I’m totally ok with having this off of my to-do list because when I say it sucked and was the worst pain I have ever experienced, it’s not a joke or exaggeration. According to the Internet, kidney stones are worse than childbirth. There’s some food for thought.

I think what happened is the stone formed due to my sinus infection or as a result of the antibiotic I took to fend off the ear infections because of the sinus infection.

Whatever the cause, I’m seriously done with this being sick thing.

On an unrelated note… Big Bad and I said the L word to each other. Actually, we typed it to each other since we were exchanging emails but as introverts, we both count it as “saying” it. Maybe “admitting” would be a better word to use.

I don’t think it will ever be commonplace for us to say it to each other. Not for a while at least. I think we’re both still skittish about things like that due to our past experiences, but we’re both happy we’ve addressed it. I know, at least for myself, when my friend asked me how I felt about telling him I love him I replied with “vulnerable”. I’m pretty sure he’s in a similar boat.

Yes. We love each other. That doesn’t change anything or require anything more or less from either of us. We like how things are. I’m glad that if anything were to happen to me, or to him, that we’ve had the exchange we did. Neither one of us will leave having doubt about the other person’s feelings. That means a lot to me.

I don’t like thinking that I might die and not get a chance to say the things I want to say to the people I care about. It makes me feel like I’m not living my life the way I should be living it. Fully, completely, every day. When I hold back from saying something I’m assuming I’ll have tomorrow, which isn’t true. Nothing guarantees me more time so I want to say and do the things I want to while I can rather than later because there might not be a later.

I finally said what I’ve been holding onto for months. It’s relieving. I’m glad I was able to say it and that we’re still ok.

Work is going well. I was going through overwhelmed feelings, but that’s eased up a little bit. Since I had to miss work Friday due to the kidney stone I’m going to be at my clinic all week next week. No mind numbing power point lecture for me. Woohoo.

Hey, Universe… just for the record… I would have rather sat through the power point than experience pain worse than childbirth… You know… in case you were wondering…

In other news, I have a new gym membership. I know… I seem to be going through them like candy. I feel a need to write this out so I can straighten it out in my own mind.

Because of the work schedule I have now, I can’t make it to classes at the boxing club like I was, so even though I enjoy my membership and I love the instructors, it’s not getting used and won’t be renewed. I’m actually going to talk to them about ending the contract, which that will require more writing about later.

I wasn’t using the YouFit, and the only reason I had that one was because it was $10 a month with no contract and let me run inside while it was cold due to winter. There really wasn’t much else going for it which is why I canceled it as soon as it started warming up.

I still have the dojo membership and I will be keeping this regardless of my schedule. It sort of sucks right now though. I can’t really make it to the classes, not without totally fucking over my sleep schedule, which is why I’ve switched over to doing private lessons twice a week. I’m mostly focusing on conditioning and technique, which I’ve already noticed some pretty serious results, so I’m not complaining too much about the switch. I do need to acknowledge my ache from not being able to spar with my dojo family at the moment. So while, yes, technically I am there, I’m still missing a large part of what it means to be at the dojo. At least for me. It’s a temporary change, but it still aches.

I do miss going to the YMCA like I was when I worked at Full Sail. I stopped attending that because I lost the benefit through work, but mostly because they tore the building down to rebuild it. I would possibly entertain the idea of going back except with my new schedule, even if the building was done, which it won’t be until next year, I would have the same issue as the boxing club. I work too early to workout before work and the classes in the evening are too late for me to do them after work.

So that brings in this gym. 24 Hour Fitness. Warren is actually the one who told me about it since he just got a membership there.

They’re open 24 hours, which is instantly a plus. They have saunas and showers. Already sold.

In addition to having those three of my requirements, they have a nifty system with their studio room. They offer classes during certain hours, but on “off” hours there’s a TV. You’re able to search for different types of classes, combat body, yoga, step class, strength building, whatever. You can select that class and do it on your own by following the instructor on the TV. They’re also working on getting punching bags because that’s a huge request from the gym members, including myself.

There’s a facility within biking distance of my apartment, and walking distance from work, though I would most likely drive, and you get access to all facilities with your membership; no having to pay an extra fee or more expensive membership to get that perk.

I’ve gone to the gym since Wednesday. Thursday I ran for the first time in what feels like forever. I’ve shaved two minutes off my run time. I didn’t hurt during or after my run. I was breathing extremely well through it, too. I’ve had a quiet empty space to do yoga every time I’ve gone, and once I’m done I get to sit in the sauna and relax, doing my dragon thing and basking and in general not giving a fuck about anything going on in Life because Life can’t touch me while I’m surrounded by the heat and warmth. For those 15 minutes, Life doesn’t matter. My run time doesn’t matter. Work doesn’t matter. Rent doesn’t matter.

It’s my 15 minutes of silence and I’m glad I have it back. I think it’s helped.

I still ache in my chest from my grief. I can still feel it. A heaviness. A tenderness that I don’t want to touch or deal with. Sort of like when a cut is infected. It hurts so you don’t want to do anything with it, but until you scrub out the infection and clean the wound it’s not going to get better. The pain has to get worse before it gets better.

I think that’s where I’m at right now. I think I need to do some meditation or further writing to figure out why I’ve hurt so much recently.

I think there’s a lot of factors for it. Not seeing my blacksmith or Big Bad for so long led me to feel disconnected. Being so severely sick didn’t help anything. There’s still stress regarding the apartment. There’s stress from work. Until recently there was also the reduction of workout time, which for me feels like a punishment; like I’m having to give up a part of myself.

I talked to my brother Thursday afternoon as I was leaving work. I needed to talk to someone. I needed someone who would understand why I was sad and crying and I needed to know that I could cry and still be loved I guess. That I wasn’t weak or broken.

I told him that all of my coworkers constantly tell me that I’m doing well. Everyone is so encouraging and supportive. I told him that I appreciated their words and that they really do mean a lot to me, but that I still felt like a failure because I wanted to hear mom tell me those things. I wanted to know mom believed in me and supported me. I told him that I started trash talking myself in my head, saying that I would never get this and that I should quit, but that I stopped myself because I can’t do that to myself anymore. Mom isn’t here to counter the Evil Voice. I usually don’t let it get very far anyway, but I CAN’T let it erode my confidence away. Mom’s not here to clean up my scrapped knees anymore.

I remembered something on the way home after the conversation with my brother. It was a situation from a while ago. I had been packing up my stuff at the apartment I shared with Zane. At the moment I was working on taking down the cards my mom had sent me. I always kept them taped up around my corkboard so I was taking the tape off of them and putting them away in a box. These were my last words from my mom. I couldn’t get rid of them.

I wasn’t really reading them, but I was looking at them. There was one, a gray and white picture of a baby duck on a board looking down into a large bowl of water.

I picked up the card and pulled the tape off of it, just like I had all the others. When I set it down the card fell open and on the inside was the phrase, “I believe in you”.

I remember I bawled my eyes out as I sat on the floor. And I cried again in my car as I remembered that event because that day all I had wanted was to feel like my mom believed in me and that I was doing the right thing. She’s always believed in me. I have to remember that even though I can’t hear those words the same way anymore.

I know my mom is proud. I used to pass out at the sight of paper cuts and here I am doing dialysis. Go me. Fuck yeah, I’m a badass, and even though I know that about myself I still wish she were still physically here to see it and to say those things to me. And I guess that’s why everything hurts so much right now.

So many things have been happening and I still long for that physical connection. Her hug, her voice, her existence.

I’ve been doing well. This past month will be known as “The Dark Age of 2017” since I’ve survived the plague that’s tried to kill me eight million different ways.

Today is 14 months. One year and two months since her death.

Today has been a decent day. I’ve started playing World of Warcraft again with my younger brother. We spend most of the day running my character through dungeons. I cooked all of my food for the coming week. I even cleaned the apartment.

Internally I’m still heavy though. There wasn’t really happiness today. There hasn’t been for a while. There’s something more real and less fleeting than happiness instead. I don’t think it’s contentment or acceptance. I don’t know what it is, but it’s very flat, calm. It wasn’t a hard or heavy day and in my tired state of mind, I’m glad for that.

Tomorrow I wake up early to go to the gym before work. I work until 3 pm. Afterward, I have training at the dojo. Then I go home, shower, eat, and go to sleep. Maybe I’ll play on the computer for a little bit depending on how tired I am.

I haven’t felt like writing. I haven’t felt like doing much, but despite that, I’ve done a lot and I’ve been hanging in there. I may not be ok. I may not be doing ok. But I’m surviving, and I still want to survive. I want that to count towards something. Like a solid baseline maybe. It’s not positive or negative. Getting through everything I have been contending with goes into strengthing my foundation.

None of this has been as hard as the weeks leading up to or after mom’s death, but a lot of this shit HAS been hard and I still got it all taken care of.

That counts.

Daily Post 143: Sunday, Monday, and Belly Dancing

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Sunday I woke up early. 7am.

I got up, determined to finally, seriously, go for a run. I had breakfast, drank my coffee, got dressed, then realized as soon as I stepped out my door that it was 50 degrees outside and that I live in Orlando  and in no way was it ok for it to be that cold. That’s not taking  into account the added wind chill… Cold. So cold. And did I mention the, “not ok” part?

I’m happy to report I didn’t back down from the challenge, though. I put on long sleeves, drove to one of the bike trails and ran, reminding myself that it’s not going to be any warmer in February when I run my race so I might as well suck it up now and get used to it.

It wasn’t my best run by any stretch of the imagination. But any run is better than no run, and I was actually surprised my time was as good as it was. I could tell my hamstrings were tight and my quads were still angry from the jujitsu class but there wasn’t any hint of shin splint pain. And I’m pretty confident that the tightness in my hamstrings won’t be as bad the more I run and stretch them back out. My later intervals, once I was finally able to get warm, were actually really nice so I do think it’s more just working the rust out of some spots.

Once my run was done I came back home and started tackling the weekend chores. I got a bunch done, but mainly I was waiting for Warren to get up so we could do the grocery shopping.

We had lunch at a Chinese buffet. We had tried going there the morning we picked my bike up but they weren’t open at 10am. Since our first attempt had been a bust we decided to give it another shot, which was successful.

It was an alright experience but I’ve noticed that I don’t eat much at places like that anymore. Just not a whole lot I’m interested in and I usually feel like I can make better-tasting things at home.The conversation was light and pleasant, and we weren’t too far away from the oriental market I wanted to go to, so overall it wasn’t bad.

We ended up going to three different stores: the oriental market, a fresh produce store, and then Publix. By the time we were done and back home I was running on fumes. It was nice to be in the kitchen on my own prepping the food and decompressing from being out and about so much. I needed the recharge since  I was supposed to meet Nicole for dinner.

It was fantastic to see her again. We had so much to catch up on since we haven’t seen each other in roughly three weeks. We parted ways around 9pm with plans to hang out again the following Monday since that’s when she will be celebrating her birthday.

I guess I really need to add birthday and Christmas present shopping to my list. I haven’t even begun to think about Christmas. I really don’t want to right now because I’m sure that will be all sorts of emotional hardship to work through so I’m going to keep typing away about everything else instead because procrastination is a thing. : D

I went to sleep pretty much right when I got home from dinner.

I woke up this morning at 7am again. I allowed myself to have a slow, lazy morning. I cooked eggs with spinach, mushroom, and onion mixed into them instead of doing the egg half sandwich I’ve been doing. I got a container of peach mango salsa at the store yesterday and it actually went amazingly well with everything.

I boiled eggs to mix into the tuna I planned to make later. I finished doing the laundry. I cleaned up the few dishes that were dirty… Not really a whole lot else happened until around 11:30am, which is when I got ready for my jujitsu class.

After how busy I felt things had been the previous day, and with how busy they were going to continue to be throughout the day, I didn’t feel bad about having a slack morning. It was actually really nice having my coffee in the empty living room listening to silence.

Jujitsu was fun. I met another instructor today. I learned the entry point for the back hook. I learned another choke, too. This class wasn’t as intense as the first one. Another thing I was ok with since I’m still sore. Pretty sure I already mentioned the soreness, but I also feel I need to mention it again because holy crap I haven’t been this sore since my first aikido class.

Totally non-related segway into a completely different topic…

Something that’s been itching in the back of my mind is belly dancing. I guess I didn’t get my ass kicked enough at the dojo today or maybe I need to be reminded on what the word “recovery” really means, since “doing an Internet search to find out when I can do more physically demanding things” seems to mean “recovery” to my brain.

Anyway, ever since I’ve moved to Orlando I’ve had to drive past a belly dancing studio on my way to the campus. I always thought it would be interesting to check it out. You know. See what it’s all about. Maybe have some fun with it.

While I was going to school I felt like I never had the time to go.  Then I was employed and with a constantly fluxing schedule I never got around to it, or other things had my attention, or I didn’t have  the financial means.

Now, I have both the time and the means to look into it, so I’m looking into it.

I looked up the times for beginner classes and decided I was going to go try it out. Now. Tonight. Today. Now or never sort of thing.

With that set in my mind, I went and had dinner with my brother. I got to meet his friend / boyfriend. I’m not really 100% sure what their relationship status is but he seems like a really nice person. We had great conversation while we ate and then played an extremely interesting Commander game for Magic the Gathering. Jon’s partner won the match, but I did pretty well and was happy that it was a fairly competitive match for all three of us rather than it feeling one-sided.

After dinner I went home, changed, then went to the belly dance class.

It was amazingly fun. There was only one other student there tonight. I guess with it being the holiday week most people are out of town. The dojo has been pretty empty as well. I don’t mind, though. It’s allowing me to figure out myself in the environments without the added pressure of a billion people who already know what they’re doing.

Going to the belly dancing class means I missed out on Muay Thai tonight, but I’m thinking I sort of like this arrangement. The beginner belly dance classes are Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday. So I can alternate Muay Thai and belly dancing in the evenings which will give me enough of a difference that I won’t get bored with anything. At least, in theory, it seems like it will work.

In theory, I’m also apparently Wonder Woman and need no rest days… So… yeah… As nice as all of this seems like it will be inside of my head I’m not 100% sure if it will be within my range at the moment. I might end up doubling up jujitsu and muay thai and doing the belly dancing on its own as a recovery day. Not sure yet. I have options, though, so I’ll adjust as I need to.

I was supposed to see Big Bad tonight but we decided to rain check it instead. While I do want to see him I’m sort of glad we both agreed on canceling our plans. It was already sort of late so we wouldn’t have gotten much time together since he has to wake up for work. I want to go to a jujitsu class at 6am, which means I’m looking at being up around 5am because coffee…

Since it’s the holiday week he has a lot of social obligations, but we’re going to try to meet over the weekend at the park again.

I’ve made the  most of the  extra time I gained tonight. I been able to work through all of my daily chores, install Maya 2015 on my computer once again, and battle plan out  my day for tomorrow so I know what I want to get done and how to do it efficiently.

I’m also getting a chance to write my blog which is always nice and lets me have closure to my day.

I might write a prompt post depending on how involved it is. I also want to brush Scarlet a bit before tossing in the towel for today. But overall, I’m happy and content. Tomorrow is going to be busy. It’s also going to start early.

I’m looking forward to it.

Daily Post 142: Jujitsu Killed Me

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Friday was a good day. Grace and I spent a long time talking at the sushi cafe. We always end up spending at least three hours hanging out when we finally work our schedules around to the point where we can see each other. Socially I was drained by the time we parted ways, but the lunch and company were fantastic so I didn’t mind feeling so tired. It was worth it.

I got through more of the “in” box. There’s still a few things left to pick through, but it’s mostly empty now. I have a small pile of donation stuff. I gave some things to Warren. I threw more stuff away. I set up my toll pass finally, not that I really need it anymore. I paid to renew my tags so I should get those before too long. I turned in my change of address form and updated all of my “important” accounts with my new address like my bank.

I even set up the remote desktop functionality on my Surface so I can access my desktop, and, by proxy, the Mac virtual machine, no matter where I am. All I need is an internet connection. Once I get Maya installed on my desktop that means I’ll be able to work on my projects where ever I want, not just as home. It will be like old times when I had the Macbook laptop.

So, yeah. Lots of adulting. Lots of good feels in that regard.

I wrote to mom yesterday shortly before going to see Big Bad. That was hard but needed and long overdue. I’m glad I wrote. I’m glad I figured out that aspect of my journey.

My evening with Big Bad went well. We talked for a while before wrestling. He told me about his week. I told him about the trip home. We wrestled. He still won every time, but I was able to get out of his locks a handful of times, so I’m getting better.

This morning while we were having coffee I told him about the potential, maybe, “sort of thinking about it” job offer. He thinks I should go for it.

Me: Would I still be able to see you when I come home?
Big Bad: Of course.

I know insecurity is the reason I asked the question, but hearing his response makes me feel a smidgen better about pursuing this possibility. One of the reasons, honestly, maybe the only reason, the thought of moving or having to leave Orlando makes me panic is because I’m worried about losing or harming the dynamics in my life. I don’t want to lose my friends. I don’t want anyone to feel like I’m abandoning them. I feel like I need to keep the people I have in my life because I’m not ready to lose anyone else yet, which may be a slightly unhealthy mentality I need to meditate on.

Taking emotions out of it… this is a really good opportunity. I honestly couldn’t think of a way it could be better for my career aside from it not requiring me to be onsite in California. Amazing pay, benefits, excellent credit to my resume, content I could use for future demo reels, contacts…

The only downside I can come up with is that it’s in Californa. Emotionally, that’s a really huge downside, though. Like, “almost a deal breaker from the get-go” downside.

I need to crunch numbers. I need to reach out to a few other people to make sure this won’t damage anything between us, and to meditate on my course of action if any of those answers come back as “yes”.

At most, it would be eleven months of my life. Eleven months of traveling to Orlando about every other week to see the people I love and care about. Eleven months of most likely living in an extended stay most of the time. Eleven months to build the most solid foundation I could ask for. A foundation I could use here in Orlando once those eleven months are over.

The more I think about it the more I want to try for it. For myself. This would be good for me. It would be like the validation I felt when I was doing freelance for [insert big company name here]. I know I can do this work. I know I would crush it and be amazing. It would be another experience where big name people come back and say, “We like your work.”

It’s a huge ego boost and I do think that would be a positive thing right now. It would let me see if I do want to continue in this field, one I used to have so much passion for. One I still smile about and geek out over when I explain to people what I used to do before I resigned from my job.

I honestly think trying for this job would be smart of me.

But…

I need to talk to my blacksmith. I know he will be supportive. I know he wants me to do well in life and to be happy. Out of everyone in my life I honestly think he is the person I need to worry the least about. Funny how he’s the one I’m worried about the most.

Before, when it was looking like I would move to Vegas to live near my older brother, he was supportive, saying we would find a way to make it work.

This is a much more agreeable situation for “making it work” since I would be pulling in the income needed to actually be able to come home. I don’t know why there’s more anxiety now over the thought of telling him about this possibility. Maybe it’s fear of rejection or confrontation. Fear that maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s fear about my situation becoming unstable again since I’ve only recently found solid ground.

Those seem like silly things to fear, but maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I’m not as fearless as I thought during my last musing moment. I still have a sense of self-preservation. I need to make sure it’s fear for the right reasons, though. Fear to the point of feeling like my world is shattering over simply the thought of having to move again doesn’t seem like a good thing. It feels more like a phobia or the panic / PTSD I feel when the plane takes off on the runway.

This fear makes my breath short and my body tense. It makes my brain panic and freeze. I can’t think past the thought of moving. Breathing is hard. My body aches as if I’m being punched in the chest. The loudest thought in my head becomes, “I don’t want to move.” It repeats over and over like a desperate plea rather than a conviction, and it’s only by eventually reminding myself that I don’t have to move, it’s not an obligation, it’s not something I’m being forced to do, that I’m able to ease the tension away.

Knowing the contract is temporary and that I could potentially keep my home here in Orlando helps a lot with the panic. It’s not the situation I thought it was. It’s not a permanent thing. There would be a light at the end of the tunnel, and as long as I keep my mind on the goals I’m accomplishing by fulfilling the contract, then I think I would be able to keep a, “worth it” mentality.

Still, I feel like it’s something I should bring up in my next therapy session.

I didn’t go running this morning, which I’m actually grateful for because jujitsu totally, completely, utterly killed me. I didn’t realize it until I was walking up the stairs to go to my room. I got done at the gym and felt a little tired, a little sore, but nothing crazy. Mostly I was just super hungry and thirsty.

My body rebelled about halfway up the stairs, reminding me, “hey, muscles need rest. By the way, I hate you.” Instead of moving forward with all of the productive things I had in mind for the day I crawled into bed and slept for the next forever. I didn’t get back out of bed until 4pm. I’m still super tired feeling, but it’s a physical tired, so I don’t mind it. Hopefully, it means I’ll sleep well tonight.

When I woke up I went through Omnifocus and did the few chores left over from yesterday, as well as all of the things I wanted to get done today. Well… everything except grocery shopping.

Warren and I are going to do that tomorrow. I’m making green curry this week and need to pick up a few things for it, so Warren’s going to go with me that way he gets to see the oriental market I go to. Tomorrow night I’m having dinner with Nicole since I haven’t seen her in roughly three weeks. Monday I have dinner plans with my brother. I’m going to be meeting one of his friends from when he was stationed in Germany.

So much social. ;-;

I am for sure, no backing out, going to go for a run tomorrow since the gym is closed on Sunday.

Oh, and I was able to put my boxing membership on hold rather than having to cancel my account. That’s nice. I would rather try out the dojo for a bit just to make sure before completely dropping boxing.

Monday there’s a jujitsu class in the early afternoon I want to go to. There is a Muay Thai fundamentals class in the evening but going to that will depend on when dinner with Jon ends. Big Bad wants me to come over Monday night to show him what I learned today in class.

Oh man, is he in for a surprise. I know the back hook now, two chokes, and an escape. His days of winning are so numbered.

And with that, I’m going to go cross stitch for a bit while listening to American Gods before passing out again.

Daily Post 132: Lists and Pictures

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It’s morning. I’ve been awake for a few hours which surprises me. I had a hard time falling asleep so I had thought I would be slow and sluggish today, but not so. I can’t say that I’m really heartbroken about it. Even though I had some really good times on my walkabout, there were a lot of really hard times, and I started having bad dreams while I was in Texas which made sleeping hard. I haven’t recapped that part of the journey yet, so I’m sure I’ll write about it eventually. Not right now, though.

 

The takeaway from all of that is I slept last night, and slept well, which is something I had started questioning if I’ll ever be able to do again. I guess I can. I just have to almost kill myself with a boxing workout first. Who knew?

 

I did have a really long, really weird dream, but it was a lot of random and disconnected scenes and so this is actually the first dream that I can remember which I’m not putting much stock in.

 

I’ve already showered and cooked breakfast. My coffee is sitting beside me, neglected as always since writing takes up too much of my processing power to remember that I actually need the caffeine. I’ll get to it eventually I’m sure.

 

I have therapy at 11 this morning. That’s way earlier than when I was normally going, but it was the only spot available when I messaged. I don’t mind. I’m happy I get to see my therapist and tell her about the trip. She recently went on vacation, too. It will be nice to share stories with her.

 

I guess I should talk about yesterday a little… You know… since this is a “daily” post…

 

I got a lot taken care of. I went to the storage unit again and started poking through my boxes. Pulled out some stuff to bring back with me like my dish rack. I got a new cross stitch project out of my stash. I actually ordered hand dyed fabric the other day for a pattern I bought while I was in Texas. I can’t wait for it to come in. I would like to finish both of these projects before I move into my apartment.

 

I put air into my tires and got gas for the car. I went to Publix for a few things, including a sushi bowl for lunch. Went to the bank for a cashier’s check. Eventually I went to boxing where I had a pretty intense workout. I’ve gone the past two days after at least a month of almost nothing, and nothing consistent for the past six. I know I need to be kind to myself and not push too hard. The sadness has an easier time taking hold when I push past my limits. Because of that I didn’t go to combat practice yesterday.

 

I’m not sure if I wrote about SCA combat… I’ll get into details in another post, but basically I’m learning how to beat people up with swords. It’s awesome.

 

I was super tired and dehydrated after boxing, so I came back to my room, climbing up three flights of stairs in the process, where I cross stitched and listened to an audiobook for the rest of the night. I also made dinner and tuna so I have lunches. Look at me being a responsible adult, drinking water and eating nourishing things… 

 

I should be getting Scarlet back later tonight. That will be nice but requires a bit of setting up as far as the room goes. Nothing major. Just moving a few things around. Since she can’t jump very well I want to put the mattress on the floor. It seemed to work well with the air mattress. 

 

Oh. Speaking of mattresses… my friend is getting rid of the one he currently has since he’s getting a new bed. He offered for me to have the old one for free, and a couch for cheap. Yay for having furniture for the new apartment. Still need some other things, but I’m glad those two items are off the list.

 

I suppose I should also mention that I’m writing on my older brother’s Surface tablet. I ended up buying it from him, so I now have a laptop of sorts. It’s been amazing so far. I went out I got a messenger bag so I can carry my paper notebook with me along with my Surface, and all the other odds and ends that I normally keep in my backpack.

 

I like the smaller bag. The backpack is sort of overkill now since I’m not having to carry a change of clothes with me to work.

 

My body is sore today, but it still feels like it will be a pretty decent day. If I were using my friend’s scale I would most likely say today is a seven. At least at the moment. For now I’m going to go so I can write up a to-do list for today and start picking away at it.

 

That’s something I’ve been doing since I’ve been back. Sunday I went out and bought a new notebook. I’ve been making a list every day since Monday. Logically my brain goes, “Well, that’s only three days. Do you want a cookie?” Honestly though, making a to-do list used to be a core action for me. Every day, no matter what, I made my to-do list. Either right before bed or in the morning with breakfast. It was like brushing my teeth or taking a shower. It was like breathing. It just happened, no questions asked.

 

I’m trying to get back to there. I’m trying to figure out me in the wake of mom’s death and to-do lists are part of that me. I miss them. I miss the structure, the accountability, the guidance, the reliableness. I wasn’t perfect with them before mom’s death, so I’m not looking to be perfect now, but four days in a row is pretty good in my book, so don’t mind me while I sit over here sipping coffee feeling accomplished.

 

Here’s to trying to have another good day. Cheers.

 

Oh… and a cute picture that a friend sent me, because who doesn’t like cute pictures?

 

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Daily Post 131: Back in Orlando

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I’m back in Orlando. I’m back at the extended stay. It’s the same one I stayed at before my trip. I wasn’t able to get the same room, but the one I’m in isn’t bad. I made breakfast this morning. I’ve already been to the storage unit once to get most of the things I want to have with me during this final month before I move into my apartment. I’m thinking I’ll make a second trip today. I think I’m going to get Scarlet today as well. If not today maybe tomorrow. I miss her and need me some cat cuddles.

 

I’ve seen the Blacksmith and Big Bad already. I realized on the flight home that I think of Orlando as home. Actual home, not just home as in “I’m using the word home because that’s easier than saying this is the place I’m currently staying”. There is a sense of belonging here that I didn’t feel while I was on my walkabout. A feeling of “this is where I want to be”. At least for now. Seeing both of my partners made it feel real. Like I’m really back. I don’t have my own place yet, so the extended stay isn’t really “home”, but seeing them, seeing my brother, having dinner with Nicole, messaging everyone to let them know I’m back… All of those things made it feel nice. It made me realize that as a whole, this is where my heart is. Even though it’s autumn and summer is over, this is where I still feel warm and alive. 

 

I really don’t think I have much to write about since not a lot has happened. I have decided to not pursue work until after the new year. Most likely not until after Allison’s wedding in April, which will be the official one year mark of mom’s death.

 

If that’s the game plan I stick with then I’m not going to have work to keep me entertained and occupied. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. What should I do with my time then? I’m still in the “zero fucks given” stage and so a lot of things don’t seem appealing or worthwhile. I still want to workout. I still want to focus on improving myself. Boxing, kick boxing, SCA combat practice, aikido, taekwondo… all of that appeals to me still. Biking, yoga, running. I want to get back into a routine of caring for myself since I really haven’t done that these past six months. Not consistently at least.

 

With that goal in mind I went about editing my Google calendar. When I was working and an employed productive member of society I lived by my calendar. It told me when to be at work, what classes at the gym I wanted to do, what my social obligations for the week were… Google ran my life. Since resigning what… three months ago now…, I’ve been sort of drifting, floundering. Eeking by day by day, somehow getting things done, but not really having structure or any way to recount my days. 

 

Well… I’m going to try to get back to it. I’ve made events for the times I want to be at the gym. I’ve made events for the SCA practices. I even made events for study time since my board is coming up, hopefully soon if they ever send me the test date. Once I pass my board I was thinking for finding something to volunteer with. I haven’t thought very far in that direction, but I think it’s one I’ll seriously look into once I’ve settled from the move. 

 

I might not have a whole lot going on still, but I now have some things to hold me accountable for my time, and that makes me feel less like a slacker.

 

I went to boxing yesterday, so we’re off on the right foot. I didn’t stay for the whole class. I’m pretty unconditioned what with three weeks of not doing much, but I was content with what I did do. It’s my starting point. Hopefully today I do better, but if I don’t, that’s ok. There’s tomorrow. I’m going to keep at it until I get back to where I was, and I’ll keep at it past that to get even better than before.

 

I like the way this plan feels in my head. I know it’s a lot of “Screw it. I’m going to do what I want to do,” which is pretty much what the past three weeks were, but it feels like a good plan in my head. I know myself. I know that if I don’t want to do something and I try to force myself to do it that it’s going to end in an amazingly fantastic blazing ball of fire.

 

I’m not ready yet, and that’s ok. I feel stable today. My friend asked me yesterday how I was feeling on a scale of 1 to 10. Yesterday was a seven. Today I think is an eight. I might feel guilt for that later, but right now I have energy and things to do, so I’m going to go do them while I can.

 

Yay for finally being able to write a non-emo post. 😀

Daily Post 126: Surprisingly Good

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Today turned into a surprisingly good day.

 

I was supposed to meet with my younger brother, an event I was actually having hardcore anxiety over. Those plans ended up falling through…

 

Canceled plans = introvert’s wet dream

 

I didn’t go to class yesterday due to the day being a “hard” day. I still have them. It’s still under the four-month mark. I’m allowed to have them, “hard” days, and I know no one has told me otherwise. I’m more typing that as affirmation for myself.

 

But yeah, yesterday was really hard and lame, and when I actually got around to taking a shower at 4pm in the afternoon that simple action alone hurt so much that I ended up crying through most of it. I didn’t eat until close to 7pm because going out into the world to find food seemed overwhelming. The thought I kept having was all of it was pointless.  Mom isn’t here anymore so why do it? Why shower? Why eat? She won’t be here for her birthday. How can I do anything when I don’t know how I’m going to make it past Thursday?

 

I did shower though, even though it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in a while. I did go out and spent time with Randy and Em, which helped. I hepled to paint a little which gave my brain something to do. I got to spend some time with Scarlet and got cat cuddles into my day. I talked to Mother Earth and Josh which  continued to help, and by the end of the night the overwhelming depression I was feeling had eased over and morphed back into the sad acceptance I have learned to breathe through. I wasn’t “happy” but I knew I could keep going. I’m still loved and supported and mom is still with me, just in a different way.

 

Even though I missed class yesterday I was able to catch back up easily today. Today’s class started touching on procedures I did while helping to care for mom in the hospital. It was different enough that I didn’t fully flash back to those situations, but similar enough that I had to confront some of the emotions. Inside my head I kept saying, “You aren’t mom. You are Maria. You are my classmate. You ARE NOT mom.”

 

Saying those words while I did the procedures helped me keep the emotions in check.

 

I got a lot figured out with the phone plan and the apartment. I don’t want to say anything further on the topics, but I’m hoping for everything to be resolved by the weekend.

 

I got to have conversations with some really amazing people in my life, all of who said they were proud of me and happy with the way things were turning out. Jason, Mother Earth, Warren #1, Chrys, Em, Sir.

 

I got to tell Jason about Jon’s email to me. I found out more information about mom’s estate and what’s going on with that. Everything should be finalized within the next two months.

 

I went to the gym and ran, which I haven’t done since getting back from Vegas last Monday. I did pretty well, though I had to cut it short since I got to the gym  pretty late. I got some upper body work in. Overall it was a light workout, but I’m happy with it. I could have just stayed in my room and not gone at all.

 

I got to make plans for tomorrow. The 28th. Mom’s birthday. I had imagined tomorrow would be hard. And I’m sure in some ways it will be still, but there are enough things to make it positive that I think I’ll be ok.

 

In class we’re going to be covering how to dress a patient and how to change an occupied bed. Both of those things were things I did with mom. Both of those things are important actions for me. To be honest, they are the procedures I’ve been worried about, fearing, the most. I know those actions are going to be hard for me to perform. It’s going to be the first time doing them since being at the hospital. It actually means a lot that I’ll be demonstrating those skills on mom’s birthday. Maybe it will be cathartic for me. That’s what I’m hoping for at least.

 

I want to do those things as a way to honor mom. As a way to show her that I’m still moving forward. That I’m trying to come to terms with her loss. That I’m still trying to help people. That I’m not letting my sadness control me and limit the things I’m able to do. I think that would make her happy. I think that’s the best birthday present I could give her.

 

I’m not going to stay at home tomorrow. I’m not going to skip class. I’m going to go. I’m going to confront whatever emotions I feel. My classmates and instructor know about my situation and I know they will be supportive and help me through it. And I know even if I cry during my turn that no one is going to judge me. They’ll let me cry, or walk away, or do whatever I need to do, and when I’m ready they’ll let me try again. They’ll let me try until I get through it, and that means a lot to me.

 

After class I have plans with Em. We’re going to go spend the day at the cold springs, something we’ve talked about doing for at least a month now. It’s her day off so we have no time limit. We’re going to stop and do lunch on the way there. We’ll most likely catch Pokemon while we walk the trails around the springs. We’ll be out in nature instead of inside. I won’t be alone in my room with only my thoughts to tear me to pieces. I’ll be around someone who will listen to me if I need to talk. Hug me if I cry. And laugh with me after the sadness passes.

 

I had thought today would be awful. I had thought tomorrow would be one of the hardest days for me to get through since mom died. I think the Universe, Mom, is helping me, and I’m grateful for it. I had thought I was going to get taken under by a giant wave of total bat-shit insane nonsense that is my life. But a lot of things are working out. A lot of things are starting to make sense. I’m starting to see the dots and how to connect them so things work out in a way that benefits me and those I care about.

 

Yesterday my grief was loneliness, confusion, hurt, and an almost unbearable feeling of weight.

 

Today my grief is gratefulness, sadness, relief, acceptance, and determination.

 

I’m a warrior. I will win. It will be hard. It will be worth it.

 

I’m actually looking forward to tomorrow, mom. I’ll make you proud. I’ll get through it. I’ll wake up and shower and go to kickboxing and have breakfast and go to class. And afterward, after I fight what will be one of the hardest battles emotionally that I’ve had to fight since losing you, I’m going to go enjoy the day like how you would want me to, by doing something that will make me happy.

 

I love you, mom. Thank you for looking out for me.