Daily Post 165: Moment by Moment

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Today was alright. It’s rainy and dreary. I went into work to help with change over. My FA is back from her week-long meeting in DC. I’m glad to have her back. I think it did benefit the team for her to be out of the facility. We learned to trust each other. We learned how to function without her. At the same time, she learned that she can trust in us, too; that the clinic won’t burn to the ground without her here.

Currently, I’m in a bit of a low mood, though, and I know I am. One of our new patients passed away on Saturday. I didn’t know her well, but it still sucks. It still makes my body and heart ache with shared sorrow. She had a family. She had a life outside of the clinic and her absence is going to be felt by many people, just like mom’s was and continues to be.

It leaves me feeling… something which there aren’t words to express. Shared sorrow is the best I can do and like so many times before in my writing, it doesn’t feel like enough. Those words do not express the depth or complexity which are emotions. Maybe nothing ever truly can. Emotions are felt, not explained.

The rest of everything that has happened in my life feels trivial compared to the realness of life and death. Almost like it’s disrespectful to write about how my life continued to go on while her’s ended and yet I couldn’t have stopped my life anymore than the doctors could have kept hers going.

I went to Walmart and got two new skirts and a pair of shorts. I’m in smaller sizes than the last time I bought clothes. I went to the gym and had a good workout.

Sunday I went to my first “family gathering” with Ox. I met his aunts and cousins. For the most part, I spent the three hours sitting on the front porch enjoying the sunlight and breeze while cross stitching which sparked all sorts of comments from the family members. I felt extremely accepted. There was good food and good conversation. It wasn’t the horrific social event I had envisioned in my mind. I wasn’t shamed out of the home for having purple hair or tattoos.

I also had my first run-in with a tornado warning while Ox and I were out shopping after the family get-together. There’s a big difference between practicing a drill and real-life camping out in a Walmart layaway listening to nature rage around you. I made a post on Facebook to let everyone I was fine and that I made it home safe.

Saturday I spent the whole day sick and in bed. I slept about 16 hours and was better for taking it super slow and easy. Ox was amazingly fantastic in caring for me and allowing me to sleep the day and sickness away.

Lil’ Ox and I got to color a bit together Friday night once I got home from work. It’s the first time in a while that we’ve done something together. Ornery Ox even talked to me for a little bit Sunday during the family time. It was nice. I know I haven’t been extremely involved or present with the kids for a while. This weekend was a small step towards correcting that.

The past two weeks have been sort of rough, work-wise. I’ve been working five days. I can only imagine what they would have been like if I were still trying to take the Human Anatomy class. This coming week is most likely going to be more of the same, but next week should be a little lighter.

At the moment I don’t really think there’s much else to say. My heart isn’t in it right now; in writing, I guess. I don’t necessarily hurt, but I ache. One day at a time. One moment at a time. One task at a time. I’m sort of back to that I think.

Friday is my next day off. I think if I can make it to there then I’ll be alright. I know I’ll be ok. I know I’m not not ok right now. I’m just sad and that too is ok. Sometimes life is sad.

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Daily Post 164: Surviving the Conversation

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I am sitting waiting for my leadership class to begin. The internet here isn’t the best. Grammarly, the app I normally write in, won’t load. So instead, I’m writing in a Google Doc. It reminds me of when I first started writing, keeping those thoughts and feelings to myself in folders organized by month and year.

Things are going well. More well then before.

I withdrew from my Human Anatomy class and have been better for it. I don’t feel the stress of failure due to poor structure looming over every minute of every day. I have the emails and phone numbers for a few of the deans who may be interested in my perspective; including the dean of virtual learning. Essentially, the guy in charge of all online courses.

I haven’t set up meets with the deans yet, but I would like to. I want to help make the class better rather than beening resentful and blaming. It’s the schools fault. It’s the instructors fault.

No… It’s no one’s fault. This is a moment in time and this was my experience with it. Let’s make it better so future students don’t have to go through the hellacious three weeks that I did before deciding it was better to stop than keep bleeding out.

Ox and I have had several hard conversations. They went to the point of feeling like breaking up was the only option. The only “solution”. It sucked. It was scary. And yet, we’re still together and better for having addressed our issues.

I remember one point in the conversation, the ultimate low, and knowing that my next words decided everything.

Me: I don’t know what else to say. I am not your past and you are worth it.

We ended up going inside. He let me stay curled up on the bed while he folded the four baskets of clothes that had gathered up in the room. I didn’t mind him folding his own clothes and part of that had more to do with the burnout I was feeling.

Mental Me: Thank you for taking care of your own stuff. I proves to me that you can and that it is a kindness when I do it; a kindness you’re not intentionally or consciously taking advantage of.

Then he started folding my clothes and the uncomfortableness I felt had those silent tears in my eyes as I tried to get up to take care of my own things.

Ox: No. Stay.

The tone, the finality of his voice, made it non-negotiable.

I didn’t want him to fold my clothes. I didn’t want him taking care of me that much when we had just survived a legitimate potential break up. I can take care of my own things. I’m not that broken. This is my job. I should have folded your clothes rather than being petty and vindictive and enjoying the fact that you were doing it instead of me.

I can’t let you fold my stuff. It would be a failing on my part. It would be me not adulting well enough. It would be me being weak and unable to cope and function. I can cope. I can function. Please let me fold my clothes.

But no. I wasn’t allowed. I had to struggle through those emotions and I don’t think that was a bad thing. He’s allowed to care for me in the same ways I care for him. I’m allowed to not do things. I’m allowed to be the one not in charge. Our relationship is allowed to be equal and fair.

We went out the next day to do grocery shopping. Along the way I got a new pair of headphone since one of the cats chewed through the pair I had. We stopped by Best Buy and Game Stop to look at games. We got a couple. Currently, we are trying out Divinity II, Original Sin. And by currently, I mean we have created characters to play together and have made it through the tutorial section. One night worth of game play. Not much to go on, but I like it. I think once I get the interface down that I’ll be able to fully ingage in the story. And I mean, come on, flesh eating elves that set shit on fire… How can that be a bad game?!?!

While we were out, we also stopped by one of the sex shops in Lincoln. I tried on a few school girl outfits because, referring back to my previous post, I’m going to hell but it’s going to be one sexy, slutty trip getting there. I didn’t like either of the outfits I tried on, but I got a couple different things while I was there.

It wasn’t until later that I realized we had both spent about the same amount of money on the things we wanted to bring back into the relationship. It made me feel good to realize that. It felt fair; balanced. It felt right. Sort of like, “This is important to me so I will facilitate it”.

I’ve been going to the gym more. Yesterday my shoulder was still sore from the arm work I had done during my previous gym excursion. I still have the scab on the top of my left foot, too, so my options for working out were a bit limitied. I ended up biking again. I made it to a bit over five miles this time. Still a far cry from the 10 I used to do nearly daily, but I can feel my endurance coming back. I was able to zone out to good music. I was able to connect with myself and listen to my inner self; the self that I keep putting on hold and not making time for.

I feel better about myself. I feel better about the relationship. There’s more contact and connection. There’s more realness. There’s more security and there’s the genuine belief that we will be ok. We got through all of those hard conversations and have come out on the other side.

I guess there’s not a whole lot else to write about at the moment. Class is about to start so I I suppose here is a good a place as any to end for the moment.

Daily Post 161: Still Alive

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Things are going well.

The clinic is six days a week again. We have six patients on the TTS shift so far. They’re all super nice and those days are extremely short in comparison to the MWF days. It won’t stay that way, but at the moment, TTS is super chill.

I found a kickboxing app that I’ve been using on my phone. I’ve made it to the dojo a handful of times as well. Actually, they moved to the second floor of the YMCA in Beatrice. It’s super nice. Way more space than their other location. And… if I got a YMCA membership, it would discount the dojo membership…

So I could spend $70 for the dojo, or spend $70 for the dojo and YMCA membership combined and get access to the sauna and all of the classes and the weight room and locker room and all of the Lincoln locations in addition to Beatrice…

It was a bit of a no brainer. Oh… Did I mention that the YMCA is now 24 hours, too?

With all of that taken into consideration, I’m going to be ending my Anytime Fitness membership. I still have a few months to go with it, but that’s ok.

I’ve been doing well at the dojo. I feel like I’m progressing again. I’m starting to use MyFitnessPal again to log my food, water, and exercise when I do it. I stepped on the scale not that long ago and was at 227. That’s not all that far from where I was. Maybe four pounds higher? I would have to break out the last sheet I had from my trainer, but I hadn’t hit the 220 mark. I was close, but not quite there. So I guess I didn’t gain as much as it felt like I had over winter.

Which, while we’re on the subject… I totally survived winter. Woo. Go me. Nothing else really matters in comparison since winter sucked so bad.

I made it past the three-year mark of mom’s death. The past week has been a bit rougher and I’m sure that plays into it, along with being tired with the change in work schedule. For over a year I’ve been used to working every other day. I had that buffer day inbetween working to regroup, grocery shop, sleep, whatever. I don’t have that as much now. I work tomorrow, have Tuesday off, work Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, then get the weekend. We get the kids on Thursday because it’s the Easter holiday or something special like that.

I’m most likely going to be getting a hotel room for Thursday and Friday night, that way I can stay in Beatrice, do the dojo Thursday night and not have to drive crazy far just to wake up to drive back down for a long day. Instead, I’ll have most of the day to stay in my hotel room alone to study. I’ll get to sleep in a bit Friday morning, wake up and do work, then go to the dojo again if I’m feeling up to it. I’ll get to stay in the area and have Saturday morning, again, alone to study before getting lunch and going to the dojo yet again before coming home to spend the rest of the weekend with the family.

I think it’s a good plan. Human Anatomy is no joke. It’s the first class in a while where I’m struggling just because of the sheer volume of information. I’ve gotten better about not breaking down and thinking I’m going to fail the class. I have a 94 so far with the quizzes and assignments that have been graded. The first exam unlocks tomorrow and is due by Friday. I’m planning on Thursday being my test day.

I had my first leadership class for work. It was fun and engaging. I have the new book that I “need” to start working through. They stressed that the book didn’t have to be read for the upcoming class. It’s not homework or anything, but if we could get through it that would be nice. With everything else going on in my life, knowing that if I need to cut something out I can is reassuring.

I guess that’s about it for now. I know I’ve been MIA for a while. I’ve been playing Torchlight II with Ox the past few days as a way to de-stress from studying so much. It’s been nice. I might play a bit more today or I might try to work a bit on the cross stitch that I haven’t touched in weeks. Today has been a really low key day. I know I’m not going to get many of them in the future so I’ve been enjoying it while I can. I even went so far as to take a nap. And yes. It was as amazing as it sounds.

Daily Post 157: An Early Morning Writing

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I have a bit of time before work. Weird I know, but Ox and I went to sleep super early last night so I found myself awake at 1 am. After staying in bed, doing a bunch of nothing, I decided to get up and type through what I could of essentially another week of not writing.

Sunday was extremely nice. Ox worked on the addition. I finished listening to my book along with doing the reflection sections. I went to the gym. I want to say I cross stitched along with doing laundry, though laundry might have been Saturday. I don’t honestly remember. Pretty sure it was Sunday though since I didn’t get the chance to fold mine or put it away.

I made green curry which didn’t go over very well. I did get to try out all of the different kinds of veggie rice which I’ve been picking up here and there. Butternut squash. Broccoli. Beet… None of them were really all that awesome sadly. And I think I used too much of the curry paste since everyone mentioned it was too spicy for them. I thought it was pretty good with the cauliflower rice. Maybe a too much spice but it wasn’t bad. It was nice to have made it again after so long. Maybe next time will be better. It would have been nice to use shrimp instead of chicken.

Anywho, I slept well Sunday night. Physically and mentally I was tired and in need of rest. Monday was alright. I was with Float RN and New RN at work. We didn’t do awful. I did get home sort of late but that’s alright. I don’t remember what was for dinner… I think I had leftover green curry.

Oh. Something else for Monday… I went to the gym again. That night I had a dream about mom, which I’ll make a separate post about. I think it was a good dream. It answered an important question I have been asking myself.

Tuesday was sort of a low day. I woke up from the dream about mom which might have been why I was low energy, along with having been to the gym two days in a row. Meal planning hadn’t happened so I didn’t have a shopping list hanging over my head. I spent some time on the computer transferring the Grammarly writings for my reflections into Word documents so I could print them at work. Eventually, I went into town to meet up with Ox. We took care of the tags and registration for the Trax. After that, we went to my new sports bar for lunch. I haven’t been there in a while, so it was nice to go.

When we were done eating, I stuck around with my Chromebook and my cluttered stack of papers from home. I haven’t been keeping up with my “in” pile, so since I had a meeting at work I had to be to at 4:30, I figured I would kill some time before heading that way. I plucked away through the countless pages in my notebooks. Pages for school. Pages for work. Pages for personal to-do lists. Pages from meetings… So many pages, most of them no longer relevant or needed.

I went through each page, one by one, transferring the information still needed onto a new page; a master page. From there I could get a clearer view of my life. What things had fallen through the cracks, the lines? What tasks still remained scratchless through the months of eeking by that I’ve been doing?

I still need to have my FA fill out my TB test form for school. I had totally forgotten about that… I still need to submit my CNA form and CPR recertification. School’s not 100% officially done yet, but it’s a lot closer than it was. My new condensed master list gave me a regrouping point and tons of loose leaf pages of paper to fold up, marking them as taken care of and accounted for.

While I battled the pages of my life, Ox had gone to take care of some chores himself before heading home. About 30 minutes into the task of organizing my life, I got a phone call from him. He had found out some news financially which changed our time frame for paying things off. He was still nearby so I said for him to come back to me. It would be nice to take a break from all of the mental work I had been doing since he left. He said I was going to be mad at him…

My heart ached. Money can be frustrating and I agree with it being a sensitivity from my past that sometimes I don’t want to handle issues immediately, but the news he had told me wasn’t all that bad. It didn’t make me not want to see him. It most certainly didn’t make me mad. It made me want a hug to know that we were still ok.

Ox did come back to the sports bar for a few minutes after a bit of coaxing. I took a break from my tasks. We had a cigarette together. He explained the situation in full to me. We made a game plan for what we knew still needed to be taken care of. Things are still ok and I’m still not mad. I’m proud of both of us.

Ox left to go back home, for real that time, and I went back inside to continue figuring out my life. I ended up getting a text message from work saying the meeting was canceled.

Oh, darn… guess I’ll have to break out my sad face as I continue working on my stuff and listening to music without a deadline or a social interaction looming over me, said no introvert ever.

Since I didn’t have a time crunch on me anymore I finished up with my papers. I even got to type up the recipes I’ve been using so often, finally. FINALLY. That’s only been on every to-do list I have made for nearly the past month. The recipes aren’t formatted fully. No prettiness with different sized fonts or bloded section headings, but all of the information is in the computer finally. Maybe that can be my project this weekend or during the downtime of my upcoming vacation.

I even got to do other tasks with my freed up time, like setting the cards for my upcoming travel so they don’t get locked down. Woo!

Once I felt satisfied with all of my productivity and accomplishment, I came home. Mama Ox made dinner. I read the writing about my dream to Ox. He held me afterward as I cried and let my heart chakra heal more. I booked a hotel room in Omaha for Wednesday night since Thursday I had my leadership class. Eventually, we went to sleep.

Wednesday I worked with my FA and New Nurse. It was good to see my FA but I could tell she was tired. The day went smoothly. New Nurse and I are getting along. I printed out all of my reflection writings and put them in a binder with page dividers at the beginning of each chapter. It’s nice and clean and organized. My binder is thicker than the book I read… Yeah… -_-;

I got a bunch of other tasks done for work. It was a nice day. When I left I drove home. I had to take care of something with the car insurance when I got home, but that got figured out and resolved rather painlessly. I heated up dinner and ate. I packed up everything I wanted to take with me to the hotel. Ox helped carry my things out to the car. I headed north, stopping for gas along the way.

Mother Earth and I were supposed to chat on my drive up but that didn’t work out as planned. I chatted with a former student for the hour and a half drive instead. It was good to catch up with him. I messaged Mother Earth when I arrived at the hotel to see if she still wanted to talk, but she was watching a movie, so we rain checked our conversation for a later time.

Ox and I talked for a little bit. There were tons of things I could have done. I had my laptop so I could write. I had my cross stitch, so I could stitch. I had gym clothes so I would work out in the fitness room… Instead, I went to sleep. I know that sounds lame, but I was tired. I set my alarm for 6 am thinking maybe I would hit the gym before getting ready for my class, instead.

I had a hard time sleeping that night. I kept waking up only to roll over and go back to sleep. I woke up before my alarm to a group text message at 5:45 am saying my DSS class was canceled due to the weather. That was after receiving an email while I was at work addressing another class mate’s concern over driving in the icky weather. Class wasn’t going to be canceled so plan drive time accordingly… Well… now class is canceled because school’s are going to be closed for the day. Sorry guys. We’ll let you know when it’s rescheduled.

Whatever. At that point, fuck it. I’m going back to sleep. It was still snowing. The roads were awful. There wasn’t a point in getting up and I really couldn’t do much of anything where I was at. I couldn’t work on my work projects. I couldn’t go grocery shopping, not that we had ever figured out a shopping list to begin with… It was cold with a six-inch tall wall of snow between me and my car… Yep. It’s the perfect time to simply not worry. It’s quiet, silent. I’m alone. I’m just going to be for a while, even if that means sleeping until I feel awake.

When I woke up again I went to the lobby and had breakfast. I talked to Jon for a little while. It was an unexpectedly chill and relaxed morning.

Around 10 am I trudged out to my car and got most of the snow brushed off. I was even able to make it out of my parking spot despite the wall of snow the plow had left behind me.

Right Brain: Go, Awesome Little Car! You can do it! I believe in you! You show that snow who’s bawce!

The drive home wasn’t terrible. The further from Omaha I got, the better the roads were. Lincoln didn’t get near as much snow as the areas further north did. Despite mostly clear roads, I was still glad to be home and out of the car after my drive. Ox was running behind at work due to the weather. I was grateful to see him when he got home. There was tons of sexy time, hence why the early bedtime that night. Definitely made up for not going to the gym.

I slept well, I think. I feel mostly rested though I know with being up so early today that I’ll be exhausted by the time I get home. I still have 15 minutes before I need to “get up” so I think I’m going to crawl back into bed and cuddle with Ox. I didn’t expect to get through writing, to be honest. I’m glad I did, though. One less open loop in my brain to contend with.

Daily Post 144: A Weekend of Puzzle Pieces

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The past two days have been pretty good.

Friday the RN was late getting to work. She called me as I was driving to the clinic. Of course, that was the morning I decided to wear a jacket over my scrubs in addition to my winter coat. So when my phone started ringing I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t find the pocket of my scrubs to get my phone out.

Right Brain: I know my phone is in there. I can feel it. Why I’m I struggling so hard to get my hand into my freaking pocket?!?! The pocket will not win! I will be victorious! Cower before my might pewny pocket!!!!….. Oh yeah… The jacket… Glad no one was here to see that…

It made for a cute story at work.

Work itself wasn’t bad. The nurse practitioner rounded. Change over didn’t go all that smooth and we ran behind. I would have hated to see what it would have been like with just me and the float RN. It was the last day of training for our new tech. Next week I have the clinic to myself. The week after, she’ll be back and on her own. We’ll see how it goes I suppose.

After work, I actually went to the dojo. Well… first I went to Arby’s and had their smokehouse brisket sandwich; just the sandwich. That’s part of my routine for the dojo. Eat something protein-heavy beforehand with enough time to digest what I ate and drink more water so it has time to get into my system. It seems to work well for me and it gives me a bit of time to let go of the stress from work.

It was… nice going back. And maybe nice isn’t the right word. Comforting. Like putting on a well-worn sweater that has a lot of memories associated with it. There was a feeling of comfort in taking in my gym bag and changing in the restroom. There was a feeling of comfort in walking through the door and bowing to my sensei as he finished teaching the kid’s class. There was comfort in sitting in the seat furthest in the back and wrapping my hands and taking my hair clip out so I could use my hair ties and taking mom’s ring and necklace off and putting my shin guards on. There was comfort in getting ready.

It was all familiar. It was all ritual and I know that word gives it a sort of “other-worldly” feel. But it’s how I think of all of the things I have to do before training. I’m about to honor myself; body, mind, and spirit. I’m about to have my me time. Performing all of the actions leading up to it is part of the process. It puts me in the mindset of, “I’m about to train. Work doesn’t matter. Relationships don’t matter. What other people are doing or how hard they are pushing themselves doesn’t matter. What matters is me. My inner voice. My feelings. My sensations. My internal struggles and battles and worries and concerns. What matters for the next hour is me.”

I didn’t push super hard on Friday. I did most of the warm-up. I did the drills on the bag and got to do some drills with the guys. I was ok with not pushing myself to the point of failure. The main goal on Friday was to simply go. I didn’t even promise myself to stay for a whole class. I hadn’t been in three months, the last of which I had been sick for most of. If the best I could do was 30 minutes then so be it. There would be other days, other classes, where I could and would do better. My accomplishment was showing up and walking through the door. Everything else was bonus points.

It felt good to have a full body sweat. It felt good to throw punches and kicks again. It felt good to do them right even if I wasn’t doing them as hard as I knew I had in the past.

As I bowed to my sensei while I was leaving I said I would see him tomorrow; Saturday.

Left Brain: There. Now I’m honor bound to show up. I have to be here. No chickening out or whining about it and making excuses when we wake up with a sore body in the morning.

I called Ox to let him know I was on my way home. The drive was nice. It gave me more time to myself and to listen to music. I cruised along about 5 miles under the speed limit and didn’t care. I wasn’t in a rush. I wanted to enjoy the drive instead.

The kids were home by the time I got here. I showered. I cooked a dinner of burger patties with onion and mushrooms. I actually drank all of my water and then some last night. Before much longer I went to sleep.

I woke up super sore Saturday morning. My shoulders felt like they wanted to fall off from their own weight let alone the effort it took to actually lift or move things like cooking pans. I knew that doing nothing would be the worst thing for me, but the thought of the dojo class was intimidating. If I’m already this sore, what am I possibly going to be able to do in the class? I had already obligated myself to go, though, and I needed to stop at work anyway, so it was going to happen regardless of how much my body protested.

I needed to type up some notes for my FA. I started to at home but with everyone being awake and what not, it was hard to focus on getting it done. I decided to finish typing the notes at my clinic since I had to be there anyway to sent the email. I had breakfast with everyone. I had a moment of overwhelm that Ox helped me through. I was tired and sore and everything felt so loud and there was nowhere to go to get away from it until I left… I felt, I don’t know, defeated I guess?

While we were cuddling in bed and talking about it he told me to close my eyes, which I did. He got up and rummaged around in one of his drawers. When he came back he slipped something over my wrist. When I looked at it I saw it was a bracelet with a Sagittarius bow and arrow. It’s purple and blue and all stary and nebulous looking. I like it. The band is two braided leather cords framing a solid leather band.

I like it but I don’t think it’s going to be something I can wear often. Not at work at least, and not while I’m at the dojo. I’m glad that it wasn’t an expensive gift because I would feel worse about not being able to wear it if it was. He said it was supposed to be my one-year anniversary gift from him but it seemed like I needed it that morning and more things were on the way so he wanted to give it to me.

I can’t lie. It did help me feel more grounded and connected. Maybe that’s the submissive side of me feeling owned since he put something on me. It’s pretty and I like it and I’m wearing it now.

I drove down to the dojo, stopping in Cortland for gas and cigarettes for the coming week. I still got to the dojo early. There were more people in Saturday’s class than the one Friday night. We started with running and jump rope. Since there were so many people, I didn’t get the rope that I like. I’m thinking about putting mine into my gym bag so I can use it while I’m there rather than struggling to get one I want. I stretched a lot during the warmup phase of the class. My goal, again, wasn’t to push myself. Two days in a row would be a lot; maybe boarder lining not smart, but I was going to do it.

I listened to my body. I got through the whole class. I didn’t spar; only conditioned and stretched. My shoulders felt better after the class. Looser. Less angry. I was super tired, though, and I knew not a lot of physical stuff wouldn’t be able to happen for the rest of the day.

I called Ox when I got out to my car and we talked about the rest of the plans I had. They changed slightly. The weather was actually pretty nice. The sun was out. It was around 40 degrees with a light wind that wasn’t too cold. It was a good day for a car wash. Instead of going to the clinic then to the Walmart in Beatrice, the game plan changed to going to the clinic then driving into Lincoln for my free car wash, then going to the Walmart closer to home.

It worked out well. I spent about an hour finishing up my note typing, then sent an email to my two FAs offering help with the new project requirements if they wanted it. From there I drove to the car wash and waited in line for a while.

When I had gotten my car repaired, one of the things they tossed into the deal was a free car wash code to the facility next to the dealership. I had to spend $4 to upgrade the car wash from uber basic to the “deluxe” where it would wash the underside of the car, but that’s better than spending $14 so I didn’t complain.

After the car wash, I stopped at the Target across the street since there was a Starbucks inside the store. I still had a little bit of money left on the gift card Ox had gotten from his work. I decided since I had been doing fairly well not only for that day but for the past week, that I would treat myself to a small drink.

They had a triple mocha chocolate frappuccino. OMG. It was amazing. I still have half of it to indulge in this morning. Totally looking forward to that part of breakfast.

After getting my coffee drink, I drove to the Walmart where I took care of the small amount of shopping Mama Ox wanted me to do and the few items I needed to replace in my stash. I had used the last of the 57 sauce and Worcestershire sauce the night before when I made the onion and mushroom mix for my burgers. I also wanted to get cauliflower potatoes for my lunches rather than using regular potatoes because carbs are a thing and healthy blah blah blah nonsense.

Once that was done I came home. I ended up talking to Jon for a while. He’s thinking about taking out a student loan since working full time and going to school full time is hard. He has a lot of feelings over that and there’s still some people he wants to talk to but I believe 100% that he’ll figure it out.

I cooked and ate burger patties again, resisting the pizza and pizza rolls everyone else was having. Go me!

I cooked my lunch meal while I was in the kitchen. Chicken with broccoli and no-tatoes. I washed my clothes and got them in the dryer. Again, I didn’t stitch. Instead, I worked on a puzzle with Mama Ox for most of the evening.

There were a lot of emotions associated with that. Puzzles were something my mom and I did. I enjoyed my time with Mama Ox but I felt guilty as I put the last piece into place.

Did this mean I was betraying mom? Were puzzles supposed to be a me and her thing that I didn’t do with anyone else? Was I now a horrible daughter? Would mom have been mad at me if I could have called her and told her about that part of my night?

I don’t think she would have. I think she would have understood that she wasn’t there and that she wasn’t being replaced. I hope she would know that no one could ever replace her. It didn’t stop the tears before bed where I told Ox how I felt. How I was tired of my only options in relation to my grief were anger, sadness, and acceptance. Why can’t being happy and having my mom alive be an option?

I don’t think I’ve made peace with the emotions of last nights puzzle pieces and I don’t think I will until I get some actual alone time to think through it, but at least I’m not in a rut of depression over it. Just sort of solemn and achy around my heart chakra. It was nice to spend time with Mama Ox where she wasn’t critiquing me on buying bananas that were too ripe or throwing away something that was expired but “still perfectly fine and usable”.

So far today hasn’t been bad. Most everyone has still been asleep though, so I don’t have a lot of info to base good or bad on. I woke up at 3:30 and had a piece of toast with almond butter, dark chocolate chips, and a banana sliced on top. I went back to sleep for a while. I woke up with Ox around 6:30. I’ve already cooked my venison roasts and had breakfast. And now I’ve written.

We’re supposed to play some tabletop games with the kids. I would like to stitch since I haven’t been able to much this week. I would like to get to sleep early as well since I want to get to the clinic around 4:15. And a bit of time at the gym rowing or lifting weights might be nice. I’m not nearly as sore as I thought I would be.

It’s been a good weekend so far. Puzzle pieces and tears included.

Daily Post 140: All the Things

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Today went well enough. Our new tech was sent home since she had a fever. Before she left I was able to get a bunch of CVC packs made. I also started mixing a batch of acid for the clinic. No smoke poured out of the machine when I turned it on so we were off to a great start. My FA showed up for a little bit. She had a good vacation.

For dialysis, the day was pretty much as smooth as it could be.

Before I clocked out I decided to check my email one more time just for shiggles. I had a new email about the DSS Leadership course. I’m accepted for being “recognized as a teammate who exemplifies the companies mission and values”.

I no longer have to spend the rest of the week wondering if I made it or not. I’m still not really sure how I feel about it. I mean… good, I guess. I’m honored that I was chosen but I don’t think happy is really the word I would use to describe my feelings even though that’s how most people would expect me to describe it.

I’m glad I know. I’m looking forward to seeing what it’s all about and interacting with the other applicants who were chosen. I’ll know more in the coming weeks as far as when the first session will be held and what will be expected of me.

Yesterday wasn’t an awful day. It actually turned out pretty decently. I made it to the gym like I said I would. I rowed for 20 minutes. I listened to music. I felt better about going. It was a better workout then what last weekend was for sure. More positive feelings; like I actually accomplished something. I stopped at the gas station like I said I would, too. Go me. Screw you, Depression. You can’t hold me down for forever.

I cross stitched for a while after that. I’ve made a fair amount of progress on my new project. I’m going to be taking a picture of it before I begin working on it tonight so I can try to have weekly images.

I thought about going to the gym tonight, but I’ve opted not to. Instead, I have laundry started since there are about three loads that need to get done. I’ve eaten since I was super hungry when I got home. I still am so I might cook a burger patty here shortly since filling myself with water isn’t doing the trick.

I’ve spent the past “way longer than I meant to” looking at a couple of recipes. I’ve wanted a good homemade spaghetti sauce recipe for a while along with a bourbon chicken recipe. That led to looking at breakfast recipes for whatever reason. It’s like a black hole once you get started. >.<;

I talked to Jon on my drive home and told him the news about being accepted to my course. He got to tell me about his weekend and the good time he had in Ft. Lauderdale with friends.

Ox and I have plans for working on the addition tomorrow and I actually feel like we’re going to do the stuff we talked about. We’re both feeling relatively good-ish. Today is the second day in a row where I haven’t taken cold meds and I’m still alive and breathing on my own. Woooooo!

I think I’m a little more tired than I should be, but realistically I did a fair amount of lifting at work on top of my regular six-mile day of walking back and forth in the clinic.

Oh! Speaking of… I’ve noticed my feet don’t hurt nearly as bad when I get out of bed in the morning since wearing my compression socks. I used to have pin and needle sensations whenever my feet would touch the ground when I woke up. Sort of like they weren’t ready for more sensory input. It would fade within the first minutes of being awake, but it still sort of sucked to start the day with that feeling. It also wasn’t normal for me. It’s not something I grew up with or have had all my life. It’s been something new since working dialysis; specifically since being here in Nebraska.

Well, those sensations were still sort of there this morning, but they were greatly diminished from what it has been. Like, noticeably different. Different enough that I am now consciously aware that “oh yeah, I’m not in pain. Best morning ever!”

I’m hoping it’s a trend that continues until one day it’s no longer there at all.

So yeah… I’m feeling a bit better. Less sick and less sad / depressed and a lot of that started with talking to Ox and saying that Depression could go fuck itself. Why is it that curse words always seems to make things better?

It’s supposed to snow tomorrow which sort of sucks, but hopefully it’s not a lot and even more hopefully, maybe the sun will come out at some point this week and the wind won’t be awful and I’ll get to spend some time outside. Wishful thinking, mayhaps, but it can’t stay cold forever. One day it will be spring and shortly after that it will be summer again and it will be amazing.

Daily Post 139: Just a Ramble

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I’m a giant ball of “I don’t know what”. It’s annoying and frustrating and I feel like my mood matches the weather.

It’s been cold. There’s still snow on the ground and though the roads are decent, there’s more snow in the forecast. It’s been cloudy and icky and I miss the sun. I miss the warmth of summer. I miss mom and my old home and my brothers and my things that are still in storage and I know part of my issue is homesickness.

I’m still, in general, sick from my head cold and that isn’t helping anything. I have spurts of “with-it-ness” followed by intense episodes of tiredness. I spent most of yesterday sleeping. I have had small bouts of productivity but I don’t feel like I’ve been productive at all.

I feel mostly like my inner self is a five-year-old at the moment having a tantrum.

Left Brain: Why don’t we cross stitch? Maybe that will help us feel better.


Right Brain: I don’t want to!


Left Brain: Ok… why don’t we try writing? That could help sort out our emotions.


Right Brain: I don’t want to!


Left Brain: Alright… Well, we’ve been sick so why don’t we try relaxing and doing nothing.


Right Brain: I don’t want to!

This is where I swear if I could throat punch myself I would. I don’t even want to deal with me so I have no idea how Ox hasn’t thrown up his hands yet and told me to go figure myself out. You know… way from him… in traffic or something. Instead, he’s beyond understanding and patient. I don’t get it.

I keep being asked to cover shifts at different clinics, but since I don’t even want to work the days I’m scheduled to, I highly doubt I’ll be picking up anything extra. At least, so far, I’ve done amazingly well at dodging those bullets.

Fuck your overtime.

I made it through phase three of the interview process for my leadership class. The phone interview portion was Monday. I felt like it went well. I’ll know before February if I’m accepted or not. So I suppose at some point next week. More waiting… woo… said no part of my brain ever.

The tech who has been training is doing alright. She called out on Friday due to being sick. That leaves three days before she’s scheduled to be on her own.

That meant Friday it was just me and our float RN since my FA has been gone all week on vacation. The clinic hasn’t burned down to a pile of ashes. Yay!

Surprisingly, Friday was an amazingly smooth day. I think our RN has improved a lot since she first started covering shifts at our clinic. Still not the strongest worker, but nowhere near as rough as when she first started. Her and I high fived each other at the end of the day. It was nice. We survived and it wasn’t a brutal, hellish day from hell.

I still don’t feel like going back to work at the moment though and I feel that has more to do with burn out and this cloudy, lack of sun, sickness depression thing more than anything. It’s been the first week in a while where I actually have two days off in a row. Too bad I’ve done pretty much jack shit with them. : /

I’m taking the car in Wednesday evening to have it worked on Thursday morning, so that means I won’t be doing to the dojo Wednesday night. That means I most likely won’t go the rest of the week either because what’s the point? And that’s a question that keeps bouncing around my head.

What’s the point? In anything?

I don’t know if this is seasonal depression or what, but whatever it is, it sucks. It doesn’t feel like me but I know on some level, it is. This is my reaction to my thoughts and situation, and right now it feels like I’m sitting in a hole letting myself wallow instead of trying to get myself out. It’s a yucky, icy, snowy mush type of a hole and there really doesn’t seem like a point in getting out of it when the rest of the ground above is just as miserable and crappy as it is inside. At least inside the hole I get to sit down while I’m pouting.

It feels like I’m having to wait and I’m not good at that. I’m having to wait for my body to finish fighting off being sick. I’m having to wait for winter to finish doing its thing before the sun comes back and warms stuff up. I’m having to wait and wait and wait and wait and fuck this shit I’m going to flip tables instead because RRRRAAAAWWWWWRRRRR. >.<

I went to the gym last weekend. I was sore for a few days after but that’s to be expected. I’ve lost stamina; also to be expected. I didn’t lose any height on my box jumps which was nice. I can tell my muscles are stiff from disuse and that it will take a week or so to get back to the flexibility I was at. Overall it was a good benchmark for where I’m at. It wasn’t a good workout, but it wasn’t an awful one either. It was. It happened. There weren’t really strong feelings one way or the other.

There’s nothing stopping me from going today other than my intense desire to not go anywhere or see anyone or do anything. I’m thinking it’s more something I need to push through rather than listen to but I don’t know. What music would I listen to? How long would I stay? What would I do? What if I cry because I miss mom and everything feels pointless? I need to stop at the gas station for gas and veggies for my lunches so there’s that motivating/demotivating factor to it as well. I need to go out anyway so it would be good to go to the gym. But that means people and doing stuff and that sounds pretty sucky. But it would mean my days at work suck less because I wouldn’t have to worry about gas during the week or lunches while I’m there. My future self would thank me for it. My present self is glaring daggers at me…

I don’t like feeling like this but I don’t have a clear indication of what would help to get over it or ease the sandpaper feeling inside my skin. Nothing I think of sparks feelings of contentment or resolve or anything other than frustration and “nope”.

So… since none of it matters and I’m sort of screwed either way, I guess I’m going to go shower and go to the gym. I’ll listen to something either upbeat or angry and I’ll row for 20 minutes. Once I’m done I’ll stop at the gas station and then come home where I have permission to do whatever the hell I want, including nothing.

I’ll most likely end up cross stitching and finishing my meal prep. I’m letting the venison steaks marinate at the moment since I still need the broccoli to go with it, but I did mix up the potatoes already. Yes. I’m eating carbs this week. This is me not caring. : D

I’ve already gone through my emails since I had a stack of those. I’ve paid bills. I’ve unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. My computer desk is pretty clear. I’ve finished cleaning Jon’s cross stitch so I can get that ironed and mounted. I’m still working on scrubbing the pencil lines out of the cross stitch I did for Ox. I don’t remember having to scrub my stitching when I lived in Orlando. It’s annoying that soaking them in Oxiclean isn’t getting the pencil out the same way it used to. Oh well. Just another thing added to the list of differences I suppose.

One upside to the whole “Oxiclean no longer works” thing… It gave me a reason to go out to the craft store. I bought a chalk pencil. I’m giving it a shot with the new project I’m working on. It’s another silhouette; this time of a mermaid. I’m using a pretty blue which I had to get more thread for, too, so the craft store was going to happen regardless. I’m also out of fabric, but sadly the store was out of the count size and brand I like so I guess that means at some point I have to go back… oh, shucky darn…

I’m almost done with the mermaid’s hair. From there I’m moving on to working on her head and arms. I’ll try to be better about taking progress pictures. I’ll also, at some point, remember to post the pictures of the fairy I stitched, and Jon’s since it’s done.

I feel a little better. Maybe showering and going to the gym will help keep that going.